'AITA for not allowing my stepdaughter in my house without my wife present?'

"AITA for not allowing my stepdaughter in my house without my wife present?"

So I (41M) have a stepdaughter, we'll go with Becky, (22F) who has had a rough go of trying to figure out adult life. I'm going to skip a lot of details because I'm trying to not bias the audience, but let's just say, Becky's struggled to support herself due to quitting most of her jobs within the first few weeks and then taking months to get around to finding a new one.

Skipping ahead to the relevant bit, Becky's currently living with us for a month and a half because her grandparents, who she has been living with, are traveling, and they don't trust her unsupervised in their house. I was reluctant to agree to it because she has problematic behaviors.

Generally refuses to shower, gets in screaming matches with her mother, let's go with Ashley, in front of our two young children (Becky has called Ashley a c#$t in front of our 4 & 5 year old kids), asks us to leave a door unlocked so that she can come home late, and then doesn't come home so the door is just unlocked all night (everyone in the situation agrees that giving her a key is a bad idea).

As recently as November of last year, Becky got into a fight with her Ashley and bragged that every time she's been in an environment where she shares space with my Ashley's professional peers, she's told everyone who would listen that Ashley is a horribly abusive mother. Also, Ashley works in a profession where an ab#$e accusation could cost her her license and her career.

At this same time, it was revealed that the story's Becky has been telling Ashley, Ashley's sister (Becky's Aunt), and Ashley's mother (Becky's grandmother) about how physically and emotionally a#$sive Becky's sometimes boyfriend sometimes fiance are, are also complete fabrications.

So, now Becky is staying with us, and as a condition of her staying with us, I was adamant that if Ashley isn't home, then Becky isn't home. Both because I don't trust her in my house, and I don't trust her around me.

(I also work in a profession where an a#$se accusation would be problematic, not that they ever aren't). We are now several weeks into the arrangement, and Becky and Becky's grandmother are complaining to Ashley that I am being unreasonable and that I need to relent, show some compassion, and just let Becky in when Ashley is out working late or spending time with friends.

I respond with a "not going to happen, and also stop bullying my wife for what is my decision, even if Ashley tells me to open the door, it's not going to happen. Becky can go kill time until Ashley gets home."

So what say you, AITA?

Relevant information to make sure I'm not putting my thumb on the scale. Becky has been employed now for two full months, which is a record for her.

She hasn't been outwardly rude to Ashley since moving in, and has been...not a negative influence on her younger siblings. She has pushed some boundaries on some of the agreed upon rules, but more in the area of annoying and inconsiderate (cooking shrimp patties at 11:30 at night when everyone else in the house is in bed) than harmful or dangerous, which is an improvement.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Oddly-Appeased wrote:

I had a cousin that lived with my family, I’m married with two children. Cousin was 17 at the time and my kids I want to say 8 and 4. She only stayed for a couple of months and would not do much of anything to help around the house. Wouldn’t go to school and pretty much just watched tv and played video games.

One evening while I was at work my husband let me know she threatened him with making claims of s#$ual ab#$e because he was insisting she help clean up the mess she helped to create. She was out of my house the next day. This was something I would not tolerate in my house and I knew my husband would never do such things, also cousin had a long history of lying. NTA and stand firm on this.

LTK622 wrote:

False accusations of abuse are a Big F-ing Deal. You’re right to require a chaperone. You’re right to let a 22yo sweat. For future reference, there’s battery-powered electronic door bolts where you can give somebody an entry code that’s only valid for the time and date you specify.

Bigstachedad wrote:

Becky's a mess, I'm surprised her mother and/or grandparents have not seen to it that she has on-going professional therapy. Also what's with the grandmother saying OP is unreasonable and not compassionate. The reason Becky is staying with OP and his wife is because the grandparents (with whom she usually lives) are traveling, but don't trust her to stay unsupervised in their house! NTA.

Annahare833 wrote:

If I followed the timeline correctly, it seems like setting the boundary of not letting Becky be around without her mother present has helped her be more responsible, respectful, and tolerant to be around. I can see why you’d want to put that boundary in place given her behavior, and it seems like it’s working in everyone’s favor. NTA.

wlfwrtr wrote:

NTA. Start by telling Becky's grandmother that if she doesn't like your arrangement then she can house Becky. If you don't have them already get cameras put up all over house, inside and out. Not sure why you'd allow her around your children at all. Do you want them to learn Becky's ways by watching her?

bumbalarie wrote:

You’re being more than generous allowing Becky to stay in your home. Perhaps, naive/stupid. Ideally, if she needs to stay, she would be staying in a separate unit (garage loft, etc) or elsewhere. Your young kids do not need any more exposure to Becky.

This is going to blow up. You know it. Maybe contributing to the cost of an AirBnB (rented in her name) would be a better option. It speaks volumes her grandparents do not trust her in their home. Should you continue to play these destructive games with Becky, cameras should be everywhere — especially if a false accusation could blow up your careers. NTA.