"AITA for not asking my sister to transfer us our sons savings despite my girlfriend's wishes/fears?"

My gf (24) and I (21M) had kids before we were financially stable, they were both oopsies and while we’re happy with our boys we struggle when unexpected expenses drop and we have no savings.

My sister (29) raised my brother (16) and I and adopted us both, so don’t ask about my parents please. She and her husband send us money weekly and take our kids on a Fun Day once a month. They put aside some money for our sons adulthood, which I am ever so thankful for (they hold the saving accts.) My gf has had issues with my sister since we announced we were expecting the first time.

My sister has no poker face so it was obvious she was upset for a few hours despite her congratulations. I moved in with my gfs parents when I graduated and my son was born soon after so we had help, but GF expected sister to be more hands on. To this day gf thinks sister is trying to buy our sons love instead of taking care of them even half as often her parents do.

I told her that wasn’t fair but it just starts an argument. More recently, my brother texted me “get your gf back in line and raise your own failed pullouts” which is harsh for him. Turned out Gf had dropped the boys off at my sisters for a sleepover without asking and told her “to act like family”.

TBH I don’t think gf told the full story coz later my sister called apologising for my childhood, she’s trying her best to keep me and my family happy and secure but she’s not Wonder Woman; she’s DONE raising other people’s kids (and my brother has been punished, a bit harshly imo).

There’s tension coz my gf wants to cut contact with them because of the text and call, but not before they transfer us our sons savings and agree to send the payments (her word) directly to us so they can’t be financially manipulative. I refuse: it’s beyond insulting, stupidly shortsighted, and I’m not cutting contact over this.

My gf says it’s our kids money so we get final say in where it goes and we need it now so sister should respect that. I don’t want that, life isn’t lavish but our needs are met. I feel safer knowing my sister is saving for our sons futures: they’re putting in more money monthly than we could in 6. It’s self serving, I know that, but it’s true.

But now gf calls my sister controlling and spiteful coz if she truly loved our sons and wanted what was best for them she would keep sending it even if we cut contact. I’m NOT cutting contact over teen angst that I chewed him out for and my sister shut down ASAP: I’ll ask for some distance but that’s it. Gf dropped it but is still asking for them to give us our sons savings.

I’m scared of what backlash could be tbh, but gf is right, that money as an emergency fund would help us A LOT, we could breathe a bit easier at the end of the month, its the one thing her parents can’t help with. But it feels very wrong and dirty. So WIBTA for not asking (and hoping it calms down)?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

HailTheCrimsonKing said:

So your girlfriend expects your sister to act more like parents to YOUR children? Is that correct? Your girlfriend sounds like a horrible person. YTA and your girlfriend is COMPLETELY out of line and your sisters savings is hers, not your girlfriends

Unlucky-Profession41 said:

My gf says it’s our kids money so we get final say in where it goes and we need it now YTA. No, I'm sorry to say it isn't your kids' money. It your sister's and if she chooses to build a pool and fill it with a million rubber balls, she can. Your gf is entitled. Has she no gratitude to this woman who adopted you when she could've let your life go in a completely different direction?

How did it get this bad that you've allowed this woman to treat your sister so poorly? It feels wrong and dirty, because it freaking is wrong and dirty. Get your gf in check! YWNBTA to skip asking your sister, but YTA for allowing this woman to disrespect your sister.

ThrowRA_Cottage said:

YTA.; N.t.a, my dude, I’m trying to be gentle, but your brother was right, get your gf back in line.

Edit: flipped my vote after those updates and comments. Hell op, you almost had me. Your sister is a saint. There are neurotypical, financially stable people in loving relationships who would never consider doing what she did.

Her husband too is a saint in his own right, he clearly loves your sister and your brother (who calls him Dad, powerful stuff), and by extension you, if you’re so sure it’s his money you’re pocketing every WEEK. Just how much do they give you ??!! What more do you need? Eventually you gotta step up and raise YOUR kids

ThrowRA_Balrog said:

YTA

I-N-F-O: I have so many questions, where to even begin?

Ok, the boys savings. Who’s name is on the account? That money belongs to that person. Your sister and her husband intended it to be for your sons adult lives, why does your girlfriend want to squander it?

Your gf: -What does she expect your sister to do with the boys? It lowkey sounds like she wants her to be a grandmother?!?! (ok she legally is, but she’s also 29 and raising a 16yo)

-she has her own parents helping with the kids, your sister helping with money (and fun day), how is that not enough? Are your kids special needs?

-Has she explained why she’s worried your sister will be/is financially manipulative?

-Is her grudge against your sister really because she didn’t jump for joy when she heard you were gonna be a father while still in highschool? (I’m assuming because of your age).

-Please tell me she doesn’t actually think she can demand the transfer, cut your sister off AND still get weekly help plus boys savings? That’s pathetically naïve of her.

-Also, whatever she said to your sister the day your brother sent the text, it sounded entitled judging by your sisters phone call. Just point that out

Financially manipulative women don’t really adopt their brothers, send them money weekly, treat their nephews, save for their nephews future. Maybe your sister is a terrible toxic person, but financially manipulative she is not. does it even count as financial manipulation when it’s their own money they’re handling? Imma say no

lizzyborden666 said:

YTA. Grow a backbone and get your girlfriend in line. The money does not belong to you or your girlfriend. You are entitled to exactly nothing. The money is not for you two screw ups to pay bills. Get jobs and stop mooching off your sister. You and your girlfriend chose to have children.

The burden is yours and yours alone. Your sister has done enough for you. My guess is she cried when that harpy got pregnant because she knew the two of you were irresponsible, spoiled ingrates. You’ve proven her right.

vance_mason said:

1). Your GF wants the money for herself, not for your kids. She says you all "need" it now, but you say you guys are living comfortably. So that means she wants it now. You seem to k ow or suspect this already, so you should keep the money with your sister where it's safe.

2) It's not cutting contact if you're still getting money from them.

3) If I read this right, your sister is both giving you money weekly and putting money aside for your 2 kids and then I addition taking those kids out on a monthly basis...all while still raising your brother? That woman is a saint.

Your GF needs to grow the heck up. Your sister k ew what was going to happen the minute you told her your GF was pregnant the first time. You guys were what, 18? And she knew right then that she was going to be stuck raising this kid too if she didn't start putting up boundaries. And she still chose to be insanely generous and involved, but I a healthy manner.

But your GF doesn't like that, she wants your sister to be free babysitting like her parents while continuing to subsidize your lifestyle. YTA. You less so, but for allowing yourself and your GF to take advantage of your sister's kindness. And your GF massively. She's the definition of a choosing beggar and an entitled parent rolled into one.

Commenters overwhelmingly agreed: YTA. And OP's girlfriend is even more of an a$$h@le.

OP later shared this series of updates:

Update #1

ok the amount of negative comments is overwhelming. I get that my sister did a lot, but shouldn’t that make her more sympathetic to our situation? She has adhd and maybe autism, my gfs family are a lot more affectionate than she was, at least they say “I love you” almost daily.

My sons are 3 and 1, they’re not the easiest ages to handle, some support from my side of the family would be nice, it’s always gfs family babysitting. I also don’t think my gf is toxic or entitled, just stressed and overwhelmed.

Update #2

I wasn’t clear but the money likely comes from my sisters husband. He’s a coder, so he’s flushed, he moved her and my brother into his house, and she’s a waitress doing an online degree, so I don’t think she makes enough a ton?

Also, she doesn’t want to be pregnant and her husband can’t have kids, so I think they’re childfree but not really because my brother calls him dad ? *and he’s always happy to see my kids, he’s always taking them to expensive places I know my sister can’t afford

Final update

The tide went from NTA to yta real fast. I feel like nothing here is straightforward and black and white. I feel like as much as I can appreciate my sister, I can feel sad that I missed out of the whole warm unconditionally loving nuclear family my gf had and introduced me to. They had a lot of questions about my sister and like I knew she wasn’t “normal”, but they seemed horrified at some of my stories?

I know some (like having all 3 share a bed in a 1 bedroom apartment when she first “adopted” -it wasn’t legal yet she just snuck in, packed our bags and snuck us out) weren’t her fault per se, but it still made me realise that she did some shady stuff, she just always got lucky coz people pitied us. Even the landlord was nice about her having 2 kids im a 1 person rental and put a futon in there.

And Like she used to steal food right? Then she got caught, and that dude set up her with an Italian restaurant (owned by the brother of the guy who caught her stealing!!) who gave her their leftovers, and even clothes the kids no longer wore, pads/tampons, toys for Xmas. It’s like she had her own private shelter and she even was a bridesmaid for that guys niece last year.

Some real Oliver Twist sh!t I didn’t think actually happened irl. Even this one dealer would give her a free joint when he saw her, I don’t think she even knew his name. Stuff I found funny/sweet, my gfs family looked traumatised. So yea.... not a normal upbringing.

I didn’t mean to bash my sister with the adhd comments, but I don’t know if you actually know what it’s like living with someone who shuts down when she’s overly stimulated or gets fits of energy and bugs out until she goes out for a walk, no matter time of day or weather.

It doesn’t sound that bad, but it happens during dinner, movie time, homework help, in the middle of night.... plus there’s the whole start one thing and 3 hours later she’s actually started 5 others things, nothings finished and probably won’t be for like a week unless it’s urgent. It’s not abusive, it’s hist a lot to deal with you know?

I know it isn’t in her nature to be maternal and she admitted she’s not sure shes ever felt LOVE because she can’t relate to any media about it. (I know she does live us in her own way, but it’s hurts hearing her say that.) It’s complicated between us, but she is my sister/mother figure, even if the money stopped I wouldn’t want to lose contact. That was never an option in my mind.

I understand where the comments related to money came from. For the record, I’m not keeping contact with my sister for the money. I don’t sound credible because I literally said it’s smarter to let her keep the account because she could put more into it, but hey, I’m an AH on behalf of my sons, not stupid.

With the money I was simply pointing out that I understand my gfs POV and some cash could help us (short term, not long term, I really do want my sons to have the full amount). No one in her family can help with it, my sister probably couldn’t/wouldn’t of her husband wasnt so chill.

I asked my sister for money when we moved out of my in laws, and the second pregnancy was more complicated. She sent us money but after she got married she cut down her work hours yet the money I received tripled. I have thanked her and her husband and made them ty cards from my kids.

I know this post made me sound really bad and money hungry, but please know this is just what’s going on recently, not reflective of the time before, I don’t take her money for granted and my sister knows this. But I’ll never be able to pay her back and they know it.

I rarely think about the boys savings unless I stress over the boys futures. I certainly don’t consider it theirs, it’s legally my sisters until she gifts it. I hate that this is even a fight between gf and I because I get her POV but I can’t bring myself to ask my sister about it or ask for more money/loan I feel too guilty. I can’t ask her to stop the weekly help, we’re struggling without it some months.

Someone asked, we get 250 a week. When she drew up the plans for my sons savings, she committed to 150/month but her husbands slipped once and said he sends in 500 (250 per child). So like yea. some distance between my sister and gf for a bit would do some good.

I’m going to have to explain to bf that my sister can’t be fill traditional aunt/grandma roles because while she’s both, she has very little free time. she’s trying to catch up her education and career (she’s transferring to a more reputable school with in person learning to finish her degree), and my brother has been really struggling with remote learning this year so she and her husband spend a lot of time helping him.

My brother also has adhd so that’s got my sister very stressed, because they’ve yet to find meds that work for him. Just saying that stress may have led to the explosion. I don’t think my gf is toxic or manipulative, No more than my sister was at her age.

Imma tell her to back off my sister and forget about the boys savings, we have a long way to go before it’s theirs, and it won’t be a life changing amount, just a boost to entre the adult world. But er, my gf holds grudges so the tension will be here for a while I think. If I ever throw her families lack of financial help in her face again I can kiss my sons goodbye, it’s a sore spot for her.

Well. My question was “AITA for not asking my sister to transfer us our sons money”. Imma take it the verdict is “no, stand my ground, my sister is a modern day saint, I need to get my sh!t together." Stuff I knew and unbiased brutal honesty is a real shake up I won’t lie.

Maybe I’ll update if stuff gets interesting. I’m really realllly hoping to get this behind us drama free though. Maybe I’ll answer more questions, but I got hat I came for