'AITA for not being friendly with my partner's daughters now that they've 'warmed up' to me?'
"AITA for not being friendly with my partners daughters now that they've 'warmed up' to me?'"
I'm (42) dating Tim (59), a widower. He's in banking, I'm a bartender. I know what it looks like. His two daughters thought the same thing, but he's broke as a joke and I've got a trust fund, so actually no. He's broke because his late wife got cancer. 3 times.
He ran up 6 credit cards, 2nd mortgage on the house, cashed out his retirement, everything and anything to get her the treatment she needed and then to get treatment enough to see both daughters married. His daughters live 6hrs drive away. We drove to them for Xmas last year and the year before.
They ignored me, dragged Tim away when he tried to include me and prevented their husbands from making even small talk with me by talking over me. Year 1 Tim chastised them, they apologized (to him, not me) They blamed the pain of seeing their Dad with a woman who wasn't their Mum. Year 2, they did it again. This year I told Tim not again.
He could go, I would never ask him not to see his daughters for Xmas but I'll stay here. Tim didn't love the idea because me going with him means we can share the responsibility of driving when his back starts to bother him. (He hates to fly). His 2010 deathtrap is starting to go anyway, so I leased him a comfy luxury ride (my brother has a dealership).
He called the girls, super excited that he'd be able to see them more often without having to worry about his back, who then blew up and accused him of spending their Mothers money on a “bull**** house and car to impress some bimbo bartender and didn't offer them a dime for their weddings."
In the ensuing argument it came out that they assumed there had been a life insurance policy, nor did they have any idea about the credit card debt or the 2nd mortgage that the house was underwater on or that Tim was looking at foreclosure and bankruptcy until he moved in with me.
They did not realize it was my house, that he pays no bills save the water bill (man takes excessive showers) and shared groceries. Now the girls want my number. They are sorry I “felt lonely” at Xmas. They want to come visit and stay with us next year! Conveniently in summer, I live near a beach.
I've told Tim absolutely not about giving out my number. I'm happy to be polite if they come to visit Tim but, we're not going to be friends. If they had talked to me for even 2 seconds they'd have understood. I am not shy about admitting the only thing I have ever contributed to my blessed financial state is “not developing a crippling c0ke addiction” like my cousin Danny did.
Tim thinks I'm being too unforgiving. They would have warmed up to me eventually but knowing how generous I am being with their Father has made them warm up quicker. I maintain I don't care about now or later, they had their chance to not be catty brats over incorrect assumptions that I was taking advantage of him.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Masta-Blasta wrote:
Info: did your partner ever do anything to correct these assumptions or was he keeping up the lie to save face?
OP responded:
Yes and no. Yes, because I don't believe Tim had any idea the girls weren't aware that it's my house. I've heard him refer to it as my house to the girls. I also had heard him tell them I worked as a bartender for fun, that I don't need to work.
No because Tim is one, prideful and two, protective of them.
He shielded them from what was going on behind the scenes so that they could spend as much time with their dying Mother without being worried about him.
I know he mentioned some things about the move helping him when he first told them he was moving in with me, but the argument was the first time he actually laid everything out to them in no uncertain terms about the house and the debt and cashed out 401k etc.
I'm probably giving him the benefit of the doubt because I love him but I think he thought they would figure things out without him having to spell it out and that their coldness to me was solely because I'm not their Mum and they miss her so much.
Stardust_Shinah wrote:
NTA. You don’t owe them a damn thing. That being said, they are his kids and you gotta consider that if you don’t extend an olive branch that means he will be pulled in the middle and eventually push will come to shove. Is that something you’re comfortable with?
OP responded:
You make a good point and...I don't know.
Right now I'm like, sure I can go back to doing my own Xmas with my cast of characters, did that for years before Tim and I got together.
But what happens with birthdays, his 60th is coming up, that's a biggie. What happens when the girls have kids and he wants to go there more often. I asked Tim to move in with me so he'd have less stress in his life, not more....
KBD_in_PDX wrote:
Considering that the daughters knew nothing at all about their parents' financial state BEFORE you arrived, it's safe to assume that they did not regularly have conversations with their parents about planning for end of life, etc.
It's hard to say who is the asshole without knowing if your partner ever corrected their assumptions that you were being supported by him. It COULD be concerning as an adult to see your parent making extravagant purchases for/with a partner.
You say you know what the situation looks like to outsiders...so why would you not be understanding of them thinking it is what it looks like? So my question would be: Did your partner ever tell them that they have things backwards, and that he doesn't support you financially at all, and in fact you support him?
OP responded:
"Considering that the daughters knew nothing at all about their parents' financial state BEFORE you arrived, it's safe to assume that they did not regularly have conversations with their parents about planning for end of life, etc."
Correct. Tim didn't want them to worry about him when they were losing their Mum.
As for your question, he set them straight during the argument, once he realized that they had it backwards. That was really the first time it had been aired out.
"You say you know what the situation looks like to outsiders...so why would you not be understanding of them thinking it is what it looks like?"
Because they aren't outsiders. They had opportunities to talk to me and get to know me. This whole thing could have been avoided if they'd said more than "hi and bye" in 2022.
Live-Work8189 wrote:
Info: did Tim ever correct their assumption? Im assuming that the ‘bimbo gold digger’ commentary has been floating around and he knew about it. If so, why were they never corrected? Also how did they not know that he was flat broke especially when the mother was getting cancer treatments and after death - will, funeral, etc? Seems like something that would have been shared.