'AITA for not booking a makeup artist for my MIL for my wedding day with the rest of us?'

"AITA for not booking a makeup artist for my MIL for my wedding day?"

So, I’m getting married next month. A few months ago I booked hair and makeup for myself, my mom, and my close friend who is my bridesmaid so we can get ready together in my hotel room. Now for some background context - I am not close with my fiancé’s parents.

We don’t really get along and never have but I do my best to be respectful of them for my fiancés sake. Up until now they haven’t asked me about any wedding-related stuff and haven’t really been involved in planning.

On the rare occasions they do bring it up they just seem disgusted or confused by all of my choices, so I don’t see the point in talking to them about it. MIL recently asked me if I was getting my makeup done professionally, which I said yes to, and then she asked if our makeup artist could do her as well. I told her I’d have to get back to her on that.

She kind of put me on the spot and I wasn’t sure what to say so I wanted time to think about it. However before I could think about it, she texted my mom the next morning saying that she felt saddened because we hadn’t thought to include her, and when we booked the services we should’ve arranged for her hair and makeup too.

I’m not 100% sure what my mom responded to her but I believe it was along the lines of “I’ll have to ask and see, or I can find out if she has any recommendations for another artist that can do your makeup that day.”

Since then she has been going back and forth texting my fiancé and my mom about this and she thinks we have been excluding her. I feel so confused and conflicted because of course I don’t want anyone to feel excluded, but I didn’t know I was supposed to include her in something like this!

She hasn’t shown an interest in the wedding before, and as far as I know it’s not common for the mother of the groom to get ready with the bride unless they have a close relationship, which we do not. So I ended up texting her that I’d prefer to get ready with just my mom and best friend on my wedding morning. She said that I’m being hurtful.

AITA here for not just giving in and letting her get ready with us? If anyone has advice on what to do in this situation I’d really appreciate it, I don’t want to start my marriage off by having a rocky relationship with my mother in law but this whole situation feels so strange. I honestly wasn’t intending to be hurtful. I’m just not really sure what to do here.

People had a lot of comments and questions to add.

greta_cat wrote:

Background: I am a MIL, and it is different when it's your son getting married than when a daughter marries. You can feel a bit left out, especially if the bride has a very tight group around her and even when she is very sweet (as is all her family.) I'm going to say NAH, but please try to figure out this relationship with the new in-laws before much longer.

By your own admission you have been excluding them from wedding planning ("I don’t see the point in talking to them about it.") Your future in-laws may be "disgusted or confused" or they may just react differently than your family does or this may be the first wedding in decades that they've seen close up & they really are baffled by all of it.

You might be expecting squeals of delight or just smiles & nods from them, and that may not be how they react on the fly. You may also be doing a lot with your mom & your friend and never even thought of them. Don't count on fiancé to keep them informed, because the wedding is an entirely different experience for him than it is for you.

In general, guys do not plan their weddings when they are little boys. If their friends have just married, the details of wedding planning were probably not the all-consuming topic of discussion that it is with women. If you are in doubt, just ask your fiancé how much he talks with his parents about the wedding, and you may be surprised how little info has been passed on.

Things may work out better if you look for a little nuance in both their reactions and yours. Try being more chatty, especially on low-stakes items ("We just did the cake testing! So delicious!" "We've finally got all the invitations addressed!") Ask if there are any special wedding traditions in their family, ask to see their wedding pictures, or whatever will bring you to common ground.

OP responded:

Thanks for your perspective as a MIL, I appreciate that. I can see how it’s different for a son getting married vs a daughter. I will say that my parents have tried to include his parents in wedding planning a few times (like we all went to look at venues together).

But his parents generally don’t show an interest, and when the topic comes up they often become very judgmental. As an example, my FIL hated that I suggested my fiancé could wear a black suit and acted like that was a ridiculous color for a suit. But I will make an effort to include his mom more if she isn’t too mad at me.

VeronicaSawyer8 wrote:

It's time for your fiancé to step in here and talk to mom - to help explain that your intent was never to upset her, but that you want that time to be with your own mom and moh. NTA.

Aggressive_recipe604 wrote:

NTA it's not a thing for brides MIL to be with bride on the morning of the wedding. Its only brides family and bridesmaids and flower girls 99% of the time. The grooms mum may chose to see her son or get ready with grooms other parent or with other family.

Don't feel bad. If there's a hen/bachelorette party or dinner then yes she would be invited/involved. If she hasn't taken interest otherwise turn that's on her not you. Your fiance should sit with his mum and discuss this.

Futurenebula74656 wrote:

NTA.

But it seems that she may be the type where her son needs to tell her to back off. Because think about it now if you guys decide to have children how she going to react if you want your mom with you while you're in labor and not her...

Lilac-Roses_Sunsets wrote:

NTA. But she is giving you a picture of how she is going to be in the future. She wants everything her way. If you aren’t doing what she wants she will go to your mom and your husband to convince you to do it her way. She is not above blaming you about hurting HER feelings. Making you into the “bad” guy. Look I only have sons. One of my sons is getting married next year.

There is NO WAY I would ever guilt my future DIL into doing anything with me that she doesn’t want! I assume she is going to want to get ready with her mom and her sister. You should feel comfortable on your wedding day. This is a special day for you and your mom. Do not feel guilted into doing something that you are not comfortable with. This is YOUR day.

HappeeHousewives82 wrote:

I'm actually pretty close with my MIL and we have a great relationship. I talk to her more than my own mom 😂 but on our wedding day she spent time with my husband and his friends/family and my mom and sisters (and sister in law since she was a bridesmaid) all got ready together.

Tell your husband to be to plan something special that involves her - it's not your responsibility especially if you aren't close.

But moving forward I would try to make time to involve them with you as a couple because you're together hopefully for a lifetime and you want it to be good. Maybe after your honeymoon plan a dinner for your groom's family and you to get together and look at wedding pictures and make sure to get some nice pictures of you with his parents.