'AITA for not breaking up with my girlfriend back when I found out she cheated on me?' UPDATED
"AITAH for not breaking up with my girlfriend back when I found out she cheated on me?"
I have been with my girlfriend for about six years now. Five years ago she cheated on me. I found out but I didn't tell her I knew. If I'm being honest I had very low self esteem then and I thought she was the best I could do.
I threw myself into my work and I have improved my position at my employer. I have an opportunity now to move to a different location and I kind of want a fresh start. I told my now ex that I'm accepting a job promotion and moving.
She said she wasn't going to move away from her friends and family unless we had a more defined future. I said I understood and that I accepted that she was not going to come with me. She asked how long the job was for and I said it was a permanent move. She freaked out and said that I had wasted six years of her life planning a future with me.
I mentioned that it really wasn't six years since she cheated on me at her sister's bachelorette party. She asked me when I found out and I told her. Two of her friends told me about it and showed me pictures. I think they thought we talked about it and that I had forgiven her. I never brought it up after I found out.
I got tested and I was much more careful with our use of protection. But after I got over the shock of it I just considered her a roommate I slept with. It was easier to stay with her than to break up and find someone new. She is calling me all kinds of names and trying to get people on her side. I really don't care. I'm moving across the country.
I want an outside opinion though. Was I an AH?
I will state that I paid 75% of all our bills for the last five years. And I paid for vacations and gifts. I did fully treat her as a girlfriend.
The internet kept it real in the comments.
countytime69 write:
Run forest, she thinks it is not a big deal she cheats, but you leaving is the worst thing . If you know she cheated once, there must have been more glad you're out.
The_Ghost_Reborn wrote:
Your ex didn't deserve any better, but you did. You should have left when you found out she cheated, for your own benefit. I don't think this has been a developmental experience that men should have. It's damaging, and you prolonged it.
Snoo-9864 wrote:
Bro you are good. Move for the job. You deserve better then her. She didn't care about your feelings when she cheated so why should you care about her in general.
Chestlanders wrote:
If she could cheat on you and never say a word about it hen she didn't truly love you. So wasn't she also guilty of wasting your time? From her point of view, you thought you had a loving girlfriend. You didn't, but she let you think you did.
I will say NTA.
Bors24 wrote:
ESH Her for cheating, you for deceiving for years. People online love to demonize cheaters but deceiving someone for years, leading someone on with no intention of actually settling down with them is more sinister than cheating.
Kamin_of_Kataan wrote:
YTA. You pretended to be in a relationship with someone for 5 years. YTA. That's just a horrible thing to do and isn't justified by their cheating.
If their cheating meant that you didn't want to be with them, then say that and break up.
But their cheating doesn't give you an unlimited, ethical, get-out-of-j-il free card to treat them this way. Don't fall for the internet's "the cheater is always wrong." Sure their cheating was wrong, but pretending to be in a relationship is also wrong. Treating them as you have is also wrong. Classic 2 wrongs don't make a right.
Three days later, OP shared an update.
She went nuts. I am glad to be a few states away from her.
The ones who said it wasn't a one time thing might be right. She spent the last month swinging between begging me to forgive her and calling me a worthless piece of crap.
At the end she said that she was glad she hadn't been faithful. That she hooked up with guys whenever I went out of town for work. Then she said she didn't mean it and that she was lying to try and hurt me. Since I don't know what to believe I am just going to assume the worst is the truth. I'm liking this fresh start far away from that drama. Thank you all for the advice.
The comments kept coming in.
Responsible_Side4347 wrote:
Well played sir.
I think you handled this pretty well all concidered. And as for her cheating when you where away? If she was prepared to do it with friends around who let you know, she most certainly had zero issue with cheating on you.
And how you dealt with her mentaly, a FWB you lived with. I can understand that given your mental state. Honestly, if you have moved, tell her your blockig her cheating ass and want no contect from her ever again. Oh and get tested.
Trailsya wrote:
Yeah, believe the worst.
And block this stupid idiot. She doesn't deserve any more attention.
Good luck with your fresh start!
make-u-sick wrote:
NTA.
"Since I don't know what to believe I am just going to assume the worst is the truth"
That's exactly how I approach life in general, and it never let me down even once.
CakePhool wrote:
Good luck, fresh start and a full panel of testing is all you need.
WinterFront1431 wrote:
Of corse it's the truth, she is saying the truth out of anger.
Just block her everywhere and forget she existed.