'AITA for not bringing the women in my family wedding dress shopping?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH for not bringing the women on my family to wedding dress shopping?"

I am gonna be clear, if my father didn't want a wedding, me and my fiancé would not be dealing with the preparation. I(30F) have two brothers, two sisters and I am the middle child. My older sisters are twins(34F) and both them and my mother has always been really into girly stuff. Me, not so much. My brothers are 25M and 21M. My mom (59F) is into every stereotypical thing that women generally like.

She likes dresses, house chores (yes she does), cooking, tea time with her girlfriends. Me, not that much. The problem I have is, I hate these things. Growing up, I have always been a tomboy and I was mostly a daddy's girl.

My dad(61M) is a mechanic who also sells spare car parts and I love working with him, even still I sometimes help him even though I work as an engineer in an agricultural machinery company.

My mom is still not happy with my profession or my life choices but she begrudgingly accepted it when my father put the divorce as a possibility on the table after she tried to make me wear a frilly dress to my high school graduation.

She was always persistent about me looking like a "pretty girl" but I hated that aesthetic. Right now though, I have long beautiful hair and I realized I liked wearing other stuff than buttoned shirts and jeans when my mom wasn't there.

I met with my fiancé when he was an intern at my company in the accounting department. He is younger than me (26M) and this was a big problem for my mom but she didn't try to intervene after I told her to back off. She also didn't like the fact that my fiancé is an orphan and his family history is unknown.

Last month, my fiancé proposed to me and we decided we will get married within this summer so the wedding preparations have been hectic. Luckily my father is paying all of the expenses (he said you're doing this wedding for me so I have to pay it, he is also considerably well-off) and we have managed most of the venue-related stuff but my wedding dress has been a hot topic in the house.

My sisters both had really princessy dresses and I hate that kind of aesthetic. I would possibly wear something more plain and I even think of having a veil that is like a hat. I also don't want a veil.

My mom on the other hand, is really insisting on gowns that I hate. So last week,I had enough and I called a boutique which is known to make alternative wedding gowns, I called my dad+my brothers and we went there. It was a lot of fun,we brought some whiskey, champagne, and Jaeger with us.

We have gotten tipsy while I was trying wedding dresses with the staff and we have found a gown that will suit my father's leather jacket from the 1980s. At the end, my fiancé also joined us and we had a blast. When we were tipsy, the alcohol got the better of my judgement and posted myself wearing the wedding dress and the jacket, saying "Here comes the bride" with fire emojis.

Well, my mom and my sisters threw a fit next day and they started to complain about I don't include them in anything in my life,I 'm ruining my life with a guy that is far less successful than me (I am currently in managing position while doing my PhD and my fiancé works as an accountant in a small agricultural company which he doesn't have any plans to leave anytime soon).

I got fed up because I was hungover and cranky. I looked at my mom and said : "You and your princesses have each other. Maybe try to be nice for once and don't bother yourselves with other people's business." and left the house to meet with my fiancé. My dad thinks they deserved this warning but my fiancé thinks they're just nosy people and I should be the bigger person. AITA?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Ipso-Pacto-Facto wrote:

You’re off the rack if the wedding is this summer. Bad AI!

OP responded:

Girl, not everywhere is a busy city and also not the US. Most of the people in my country buy their wedding dresses 2-3 months before the wedding.

Crazy4Swayze420 wrote:

NTA. Dad sounds pretty awesome. I'd definitely see if he can help run damage control since he understands this wedding is only happening because of him. That said supporting you at ever turn and trying to make the experience as postive for you as possible is a W for dad and even your brothers who went dress shopping with you.

Obviously Mom wields very little power in your household since trying to pick your dress in high school almost got her divorced. Normally I'd say this a bad thing or red flag but in this case though your Dad is just being awesome and picking you his daughter over his wife about boundaries.

OP responded:

I am sure my dad never meant to go all the way for divorce at that time but my parents love each other deeply so even the thought of divorce made my mom stop I think.

Pandoratastic wrote:

This confrontation is genuinely shocking. Your mother expressed a profound lack of empathy, conditional love, an obsession with appearances, and complete emotional detachment during a moment that should have carried real weight. While no one can or should diagnose someone from a distance, these are all hallmarks of narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies.

I'm really sorry that you and your father had to go through that. But keep in mind that you are not unlovable. Your father and your fiancé's love proves that. She was just incapable of giving love. That's nothing to do with your worth. It's only about her limitations. What she showed you was extremely toxic and controlling behavior but you should be proud of the fact that you were never fully controlled by it.

Despite her expectations (which are very performance and image-driven) and demands, you became a tomboy engineer who pairs a leather jacket with your wedding dress and doesn't mind that your love is a younger man. You are your own person, despite everything she said or did. And the fact that your dad said what he did is very validating for you. He sees her clearly and he sees you.

shdfx1 wrote:

Congratulations on your wedding. Please, would you consider posting an update with what you wore? It sounds awesome. While discovering the depths of your mother’s character flaws must be uniquely painful, I think it will ultimately turn out to be a blessing. You could have spent decades of your life trying to maintain a one-sided relationship with your mother, dealing with the rejection and drama.

It’s not you. It’s literally not you. Your mother is a deeply flawed person who chose to dig in to her position, instead of growing and improving. She revealed the ugly extent of her issues. HER issues. Not your fault, and not your problem. This way, only those who love and support you will attend your wedding, which is as it should be.