'AITA for not changing my holiday plans to accommodate my dad’s new wife?'

"AITA for not changing my holiday plans to accommodate my dad’s new wife?"

I (21F) am in college and usually go home for the holidays to spend time with my dad (48M) and extended family. My parents divorced when I was 12, and I’ve always spent part of the holidays with each parent.

My dad remarried early last year to "Lisa" (46F), and while we’re polite to each other, we’re not particularly close. This past year, I made plans months in advance to visit my mom’s side of the family for Christmas. We don’t always get to see each other since they live out of state, so I was really excited. I told my dad early on, and he seemed fine with it.

Fast forward to the second week of December—Lisa called me and said she and my dad were planning to host a big Christmas dinner for her side of the family and expected me to be there. I told her I already had plans and wouldn’t be in town. She seemed surprised and said, “Well, we assumed you’d want to be here since this is our first Christmas as a real family.”

I told her that while I appreciate the invitation, I had already committed to my other plans. She started guilt-tripping me, saying it was important to "blend the families" and that it would “mean a lot” to my dad if I made the effort. When I brought this up to my dad later, he said he understood my plans but also mentioned that Lisa was upset because she wanted a “perfect” first Christmas as a married couple.

He asked if I could at least rearrange my trip so I could be there. I said no—I planned this trip long ago, and just because Lisa suddenly decided to host something doesn’t mean I should drop everything. He sighed and said he wasn’t mad but that I should “think about what kind of family dynamic I want in the future.”

Fast forward to now (February of this year): Lisa has not spoken to me since that phone call, and a few family members (including my grandma) have said I could have tried to compromise. My mom says I did nothing wrong, but I’m wondering if I should have made more of an effort for my dad’s sake. AITA for sticking to my original holiday plans?

The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.

NextSplit2683 wrote:

Red flag. She hasn't spoken to you in months, just because you couldn't make the perfect Christmas dinner? Your dad knew about your plans well in advance. This could all have been avoided if he just told her not to include you when she was planning her dinner. There was a real family in place before she joined the family. Thank God you have your mother. You are definitely NTA.

yamahamama61 wrote:

I have started this 1 shtick. If someone still wants to argue about something after I already explained why I wont/can't do what they want me to, I just hang up. I am not going to say the same thing a 2nd time. They heard me the 1st time. Hang up.

chaserscarlet wrote:

You would have been an AH for cancelling plans with your mum's family for last minute plans with your new stepmums.

It’s actually ridiculous that your dad didn’t call her out for it. NTA.

Fickle_Toe1724 wrote:

NTA. You made plans well in advance. You told your dad your plans. That should have been the end of it. Your step mother making plans for you, an adult, without consulting you, was wrong. Now she is pouting like a child because she didn't get her way. That is her problem, not yours.

Just ignore her. Still talk to your dad, but don't worry about his wife. She needs to grow up and understand she can not dictate to you.

She can invite you, but not command you.

InfamousCup7097 wrote:

It was her responsibility to discuss plans with her husband (your dad) who already knew about your plans. He should have told her and maybe instead had her move her party to New years. Their marriage and family expectations are not your problem. If she wants to act like a brat and not talk to you over something like this then she is not mature enough to even be married.

Follow her lead and let your dad know that you do not appreciate how she handled the situation and that going forward you want nothing else to do with her unless she apologizes for trying to make you out to be some sort of villian for no reason. If she can't do that then you can still try to meet your dad for lunch when you are in town but never with anything to do with her. NTA.

cressidacole wrote:

This is your father's problem, not yours. I have no doubt he was fine with your plans until his wife decided you were required to attend their gathering. All communication should go through him. You should not have to answer to his wife, and he should not be trying to avoid conflict by staying out of it. You are not a child, and she is not a parental figure to you.

Illustrious_March912 wrote:

NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. You made the plans way in advance and don’t need to change them for anyone plus I find it really weird that someone that only married your father when you were 20 years old wants to guilt trip you.

I don’t know when Lisa came into your life but if it was just in the past couple years then IMO she wants to pretend you’re her “real” family. Your mother and your father are your real family and unless you previously established a real relationship, she's just your father’s wife at this point.