'AITA for not closing the door while showering even though my sister‘s boyfriend slept over?' UPDATED 5X

Sharing a small space with a lot of people can be complicated, to say the least.

"AITA for not closing the door while showering even though my sister‘s boyfriend slept over?"

I (17M) live at home with my two sisters and parents. My older sister (22) has been dating her boyfriend (21M) for three months now. He’s been sleeping over at our apartment ever since they started dating, but the frequency of the sleepovers have been increasing over the past few weeks. Our apartment isn’t tiny, but it’s small enough that we all share a bathroom.

The room doesn’t have air conditioning and only has one window that doesn’t really let a draft through. When you shower, the room steams up a ton, so my whole life we’ve just either left the door ajar or opened the door fully as soon as we stepped out of the shower and did the rest of our bathroom stuff.

The very first time my sister's boyfriend slept over, I was getting ready to go to bed in the bathroom and had the door closed, but unlocked. I was taking off my boxer shorts when he walked into the bathroom. He immediately apologized, closed the door and we never spoke about it again.

Well, last week I thought I was home alone and was taking a shower in the afternoon with the door ajar, as always. After I was done, I opened the bathroom door and continued with my routine (lotion, face cream, stuff like that) and noticed that my sister had come home during my shower.

When I was done, I walked into the kitchen to find my sister and her boyfriend having an argument. I didn’t want to intrude, so I left and soon heard the front door fall closed. In the evening I made dinner for our family and while I was cooking my other sister (20) came and talked to me. Apparently, our oldest sister and her boyfriend argument was about me and "my“ showering habits.

He thinks it’s disgusting that I shower with the door ajar and feels uncomfortable with me using the bathroom in my own house. This shocked me, because from the way our bathroom is set up, you can’t even see the shower from outside of the door. I went to my other sister and asked her if this was true, and she refused to talk to me.

It’s not as if I was the only one that showered like this. We all do. I’m just the only one taking showers in the afternoon/evening when her boyfriend is usually there, because that’s when I come home from hockey practice. So, AITA for not completely closing the bathroom door while I shower?

Not long after posting, OP shared an edit/update.

Hi guys! Okay, to make it easier I’m gonna give my sisters names, because otherwise I think it’s gonna get confusing. The sister whose bf was the issue I’ll call Ava and my other sister Vic. Sister's boyfriend I’ll call Ben.

Today Vic came home pretty early, so when I heard her arrive I immediately asked her to talk about yesterday. Since some of you brought it up, I asked her if he actually used the word "disgusting“ or if she thinks Ava was paraphrasing, and in her opinion Ava said it in a way she thought that Ben had actually said it.

I also asked her if he’d ever done anything to make her uncomfortable and she laughed it off, so I truly hope nothing happened there. When Ava came home, she was alone, so I asked her if she would talk to me and she agreed even though she looked really uncomfortable about the whole situation.

I asked her if Ben had actually said it was "disgusting“ or if he only implied it and she said that he actually said it. I also asked her if she was mad at me or the situation, and that’s when she got super angry. She started going off at home how I apparently always have to make every situation about myself and said some other unsavory things about me.

After yelling at me she left the kitchen and went to her room, dramatic door slam and all, which kind of was the trigger for me maybe being a bit too petty. Again, our apartment isn’t that huge so because the kitchen door and my other sister's door was open Vic heard the entire argument and came to the kitchen to tell me she’s on my side.

Back to the petty part, my dad is at a business dinner rn, but I’ll edit this post with a second update when he comes home, because I’m gonna tell him everything that’s been said. I don’t know if he’ll care yet, but I’ll tell him all the suggestions you guys gave me in the comments and tell him im worried about Ben.

Also, bc it might not have been clear in my original post: I said that I live with my parents, with that I only mean my dad. It’s not been long since my mom stopped living with us, so in the heat of the moment I wrote the wrong thing. My sister Ava used to have an apartment one town away, but bc of lockdown she lost her job, meaning she couldn’t pay rent anymore.

She went back to school and has a different job now, but it’s entry level and living costs are crazy where we live, so she’s still at home. My other sister Vic has a dorm room at her university, but her roommates are all AHs, so she prefers staying at our apartment when she doesn’t have 8am classes. Ben still lives with his parents, why, I don’t know.

Also I don’t know why they never stay at his place. That’s one of the things I wanted to ask Ava, but she apparently thinks I’m the villain here soooo. And lastly, we do have a second bathroom, but it only has a toilet and a sink, so it’s not as terrible as some people think it is in the comments. Also we all have our own rooms, they’re just small.

Hours later, he posted another update as promised.

Sorry it took me a bit to post this, but I talked to my dad!

When he stepped through the door I immediately asked him if I could talk to him about something and he was really confused what it’s about. (He actually asked me if I wanted to tell him I had a gf/bf haha)

So we sat down in the living room and I asked him if he knew what happened yesterday, but he said he only knew that Ava was mad at me, nothing more. I told him everything and he was extremely shocked and also kind of mad?

The first thing he suggested was also that Ben‘s upset, because two days before Ben complained about me, I had friends over and cuddled with one of my male friends while watching a movie, and apparently he seemed annoyed by that. The second suggestion he had was just that he disliked me for whatever other reason and that’s why he was mad and called me disgusting.

He went into Ava’s room to talk to her about it and I don’t know what was said, but he came out like half an hour later and told me that Ben wasn’t welcome to sleep over anymore. Of course I asked him what happened during the conversation, but he was really vague about the entire thing.

I’m going to make Vic try and talk to Ava to find out what’s going on, because now I‘m actually really curious as to what’s happened. Sorry it’s not that satisfying of an end for today! Also, is it fine if I just keep adding onto this post or should I make a new one?

Commenters had a lot to say.

LetsGetThisPartyOn wrote:

NTA. If he has an issue with how things are done in YOUR HOUSE. he is totally free to not visit YOUR HOUSE. Tell him to stay downstairs and away from the bathroom. Also, who walks into a bathroom with a closed door in someone else’s house without SPEAKING OR KNOCKING. Sounds like he wanted to run into the other sister in the bathroom. He sounds like a controlling creepy dude.

catskilkid wrote:

NTA. He's the AH for imposing on you and your family when he finds that normal living arrangements are disgusting. I bet there's a good reason they don't stay at his place, so that's pretty disgusting that the word disgusting should be coming out of his mouth.

Horror-Newt108 wrote:

NTA. It is YOUR home, you can walk around without clothes if you want.

That said, do two things:

Put up an “Occupied” sign on the door when you’re in there, and

Communicate with your sister and her boyfriend. “Due to steam build up, I/we tend to crack the bathroom door during showers. I’ll put a sign on the door when I’m in there.”

Confusedat63 wrote:

NTA does he also have to open the door some when he showers? If so, then apparently he is uncomfortable with this because he might not be able to help himself from peeking, or he got caught peeking by your sister but she is ashamed to tell you cause that would blow up so big? I hope it works out!

A week later, OP shared another update.

Strap in, because this update is actually kinda crazy.

Some of you guessed it correctly: he’s a close-minded prick who didn’t want to me to do, well, anything in my home, because it disgusted him.

Not a lot happened after my dad banned Ben from coming over. Ava wasn’t talking to any of us, but she didn’t argue with us either, so we all just kind of let her cool off. She only slept over at Ben‘s once, but also didn’t try to convince my dad to let him come over. I had a hockey game on the 28th and usually my entire family comes, but this time, surprise surprise, Ava didn’t come.

I wasn’t feeling too great afterwards and went to Vic to vent and Ava apparently heard that and came into Vic’s room to apologize to me. She said that she thinks she’s in love with Ben, so she doesn’t wanna break up with him, but that his behavior was stupid and close-minded, so that already confirmed that it was an issue, because of my s*xuality.

We kind of made up, which we would have been forced to anyway, because we made plans on the 30th to go to a concert together. The 29th and 30th went great. Ava was talking to me again and we just kind of avoided the whole Ben topic altogether. The conflict and what the update is about was the 31st. Every year I go watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show at our local theatre and every year I dress up.

The last three years I went as Brad, but this year I took two friends of mine who are a couple that decided to go as Brad and Janet. Me being me, I took this as the opportunity to go as Frank-N-Furter (If you don’t know The Rocky Horror Picture Show, he’s a self-described transv**tite and definitely looks the part).

We all had a great time and let’s just say, I was pretty buzzed and disheveled when I came back home. This was at like 4am and I’m gonna be honest, I was probably obnoxiously loud, because I knew my dad and Vic wouldn’t be home.

Vic being at a college party and then her dorm and my dad sleeping at his partner’s house. I only took off my heels, nothing else, and went into the kitchen to eat something when Ben walked in (who would have guessed, my sister broke my dad's rule as soon as he was out).

Seeing me he went off on a tirade about how i’m disgusting, called me a f--, told me how no one would ever love me and told me to go find a church, because I was a disgrace (funnily enough, I’m protestant, meaning I was literally in church roughly 10 hours before this interaction, celebrating Martin Luther with my entire family).

He was loud as f**k, so of course my sister came out of her bedroom and told him to calm down and said that he should just get back to bed, because he was drunk.

Well, he didn’t like that and also started shouting at my sister how she was a sl*t for allowing me to dress like that and I don’t even know what else. Reminder, we live in an apartment complex so of course someone heard us, because during his rant against my sister one of our neighbors knocked and shouted through the door to ask if we were alright.

I went to open it and Ben just kind of stormed off into my sister's room and came back a few minutes later in some clothes with his phone and left. Neighbor dude asked if we were okay again after he left, but since we confirmed that we were, he went back to bed. After I had closed the door, Ava was already gone, so I just kind of got ready for bed.

I never did get my post-going out snack. Well, if the last update wasn’t exciting enough for all of you, then this surely has to be. I told one of my friends about it in the morning and her only reply was "I think I’ve read that in a book before.“, so I’m gonna take all of this with humor.

A few hours later, OP added yet another update.

It’s currently around midnight for me and it’s only been a few hours since my last update, but something else just happened. I was feeling like crap about the whole situation, so I asked one of my friends if I could go over to his house.

But his little brother is sick, so he asked if he could come over to my place. My dad was in his room, so I went to him and asked if it was okay and he said it was all fine for him to come over.

Ava’s room is right next to his room and she had the door ajar (yes, I do see the irony in the issue with the ajar door) and apparently heard what I said. My room is across from her‘s, so as soon as I went back to get out the spare blankets, she rushed over to complain to my dad about how "unfair“ it is, that I get to have sleepovers and she doesn’t.

My dad’s only response was that I’m not having my boyfriend over, but a friend and told her to go to bed. Now it’s pretty clear to me that she does also have an actual problem with me and not just her infatuation with Ben making her upset with me.ad

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

So here’s the thing. There’s two things going on here. First and foremost, it’s incredibly sad that some people still allow obvious AHs like this Ben douche into their lives. The sister sucks too. But there’s a bit of a heartwarming aspect to the story as well.

Because the original poster has lived in such a nurturing environment that they seemed legitimately confused about the issue and didn’t even immediately jump to the bigotry theory. Not to mention how the dad handled the whole situation.

OP responded:

Gonna be honest, this is the first comment that’s made me cry and actually think about the situation. i complain about my dad way too much, to actually see how great he’s been. gonna go give him a hug in the morning.

Visualoven6250 wrote:

Am I crazy but, how soft are people. You should be able to shower and leave the door open he is a dude why would he care. I guess not everyone has lived on their own with roommates but, I used to shower while my buddies used the washroom brushed their teeth etc.

It’s not like you are in there cranking it and if he knows where the washroom is he and he is uncomfortable he can just stay away until it’s free.

Runnrgirl wrote:

NTA- I would be disgusted at my sibling having sleep overs frequently in an apartment full of people.

OP responded:

Yeah, I try not to think of it. Like I don’t bring anyone over either.

Almost two months later, OP shared another update.

First of all, sorry it’s actually been ages, gonna be honest, I kind of forgot about my post with everything going on. And now, what you were waiting for: what did my dad do in the end?

I’ll just pull the bandaid off, Ben got arr**ted for unrelated charges.

He hasn’t been to court so I’ve got no clue what his "sentence“ is going to be, but I’m 90% sure it won’t be jail or anything like that. Now that there’s "proof“ he’s a horrible human being, my dad gave my sister an ultimatum: stop all contact with Ben or our family stops talking to her and supporting her until she comes to her senses again.

Ava has now officially moved out into a town 3 hours away from us and, as far as I know, hasn’t spoken to my immediate family since then. She still has contact with my cousin's ex-wive (random, I know), but she’s kind of a crazy b so I’ve got no clue what they’ve been cooking up.

She’s still invited to our Christmas dinner on both the 24th and 25th, so we’ll see if she shows up to either of the celebrations. I’m assuming (kind of hoping, ngl I wanna see her just to know how she’s been) she’ll be there on the 24th since our Italian family is coming to visit for the first time since 2019.

In better news, Vic and my dad have been absolutely supporting of everything that’s been going on and Vic has a new boyfriend who’s awesome and keeps showing up Ben in every way there is.

And lastly, because I got a few either weird private messages: no, I’m not dating my friend, he’s got a partner and no, I’m also not dating my neighbor? One person asked that and I gotta let you down, he’s like 45 and has two kids.

ADD-ON: I realize this post just created more questions than answers so I’ll try to answer as much as I can think of. Ava has always had pretty bad mood swings, she’s a very hot-and-cold person, so it truly didn’t surprise me that she can’t really "make up her mind“ on if she wants to be with Ben or acknowledges he’s prejudice.

Since she has officially moved out now at the beginning of December, she hasn’t contacted me, Vic or my father at all, but my dad has been texting her updates on what’s going on in our lives. She’s still in our extended family group chat, so she got the Christmas invitations, but hasn’t reacted to any of them.

Ben got into a bar fight that caused injuries to two people and then proceeded to drunkenly drive his car when he heard that the authorities were called. Then he also insulted said cops when they found him a block away not being able to drive in a straight line. The day after this happened, my sister broke down in my dad’s arms and he was really great at comforting her.

But as soon as she calmed down he set the ultimatum I talked about. Ben’s "trial date,“ (I truly don’t know what it’s called, since I don’t live in a primarily English speaking country), is set for the 26th and 27th, because apparently it takes my country’s government almost a month to even set a court date, yet alone hold it.

My extended family knows nothing about this. Most of them aren’t very close to us. For example, the only ones that know I’m queer are the queer ones themselves, because they were able to clock me. I’m really not hard to clock, but almost no one still got it, so I truly don’t think they know anything about Ava’s relationship troubles. I hope this helped clear things up, but I’m here for any questions.

The internet was happy to hear an update.

"It’s currently around midnight for me and it’s only been a few hours since my last update, but something else just happened."

"I was feeling like crap about the whole situation, so I asked one of my friends if I could go over to his house, but his little brother is sick, so he asked if he could come over to my place. My dad was in his room, so I went to him and asked if it was okay and he said it was all fine for him to come over."

"Ava’s room is right next to his room and she had the door ajar (yes, I do see the irony in the issue with the ajar door) and apparently heard what I said. My room is across from her‘s, so as soon as I went back to get out the spare blankets, she rushed over to complain to my dad about how "unfair“ it is, that I get to have sleepovers and she doesn’t."

"My dad’s only response was that I’m not having my boyfriend over, but a friend and told her to go to bed. Now it’s pretty clear to me that she does also have an actual problem with me and not just her infatuation with Ben making her upset with me."

This was your previous update, and with this new one it feels like there's a lot of information missing, but I'm guessing it's the "something else" that happened. Could you maybe fill in some gaps and elaborate a bit? Regardless, I'm glad to read this dynamic is mostly out of your life right now, and things are looking up. I hope things continue to go well for you <3

OP responded:

I tried to fill in the gaps, but if stuff is still unclear please ask!

Karou5804 wrote:

I just found this so I'm just wishing you well and hope you don't have to have such face to face encounters with AHs again :D

every1remaincalm wrote:

Thank you for sharing this update! I heard your story in a YouTube video around when you first posted and was regularly checking for an update for a couple weeks there, just to see if you were alright. It crossed my mind again today, so I looked you up and found this post.

Glad you and your family are OK, and I hope Ben swiftly reaps everything he's sown for himself (I suppose his trial date has already passed?). Much love from another queer up here in Canada.