'AITA for not cooking all my parents meals while they were visiting me?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for not cooking all my parents meals while they were visiting me?"
For context, I live with my fiance in a different country than my family. I haven't seen them in over a year because, so my parents (61F and 63M) offered to visit me, and I was beyond happy.
They have very humble beginnings in a third world country and this was their first time making an international trip, so I tried to make sure everything was perfect and as smooth as possible.They came and spent about a month in our house.
They had their own bed, their own bathroom, I arranged for all their necessities, and, even tho we're not rich, my fiance and I tried to provide them with everything so they wouldn't have to spend their money here, where the currency is 5x their own. About our eating habits, my fiance and I have different schedules, different diets etc so we don't eat together.
Whenever one of us is hungry, we go to the kitchen and make ourselves a plate of food (we work from home). I explained this to my parents, and I also said, the kitchen is yours grab whatever you want and cook whenever you want. As time went own, we noticed my parents weren't eating much, so I asked them what they wanted from the grocery store so I could buy it for them.
They said everything was fine, that they were indeed eating while I was working. My mom is naturally peckish so I thought that was just how she ate (I haven't lived with my parents in over 10 years so I wouldn't know for sure). In any case, my fiance brought my dad to the grocery store with him and told my dad "grab whatever you want." And he only grabbed a few items.
Anyway, this went on for pretty much the whole month. And every time I asked they said it was all fine. At some point, I started taking them out for dinner every day after work, which quite literally broke the bank but at least I could see them eating. They left a few days ago, saying they loved their stay and that they had a blast.
So to my surprise, my sister (40F) called me today ripping me a new AH, saying that my parents told her that they had no food to eat. That there was food in the fridge that they couldn't eat because it belonged to us and that they had to keep making trips to the convenience store to buy food for themselves and that they spent a lot of money. I couldn't believe my ears.
I'm feeling totally blindsided by this. I thought they knew how to cook their own food and if there was something missing, that they would've told me to buy. I took their word for it when they said everything was fine and that they were eating. My sister says I should've been more attentive to their needs and that I acted like I didn't give a f---.
So now I'm feeling bad, thinking my parents were miserable and starving the whole time, while I thought they were fine. I don't want to bring this up to my fiance, he will be devastated. He was genuinely trying the best he could to make my parents happy. AITA? What more could I have done? My head is spinning right now so sorry for the long text.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
princessperky wrote:
I think you need to tall to them asap. Say exactly what your sister said and ask why. Tell them you asked them many times.
OP responded:
I tried, but nobody answered my calls. So yeah...feels like a very sh---y place to be rn.
twelvedayslate wrote:
NTA. You offered several times to buy them different food. You spent a good amount of $$ taking them out for dinner. You told them they were welcome to the kitchen. I’m not sure what else you COULD have done. You’re not a mind reader. Did you see them making several trips to the local grocery store?
OP responded:
Thanks for reading this. Yes, the thing is my dad smokes, so I just thought he wanted to buy cigarettes. There's also a park nearby that my mom claimed she liked to go for walks so I just assumed that's what they were doing.
hadMcDofordinner wrote:
Your sister is overreacting. Just ignore her for now. Don't feed the drama. Your parents are adults and even if they expected you to cook for them 3 times a day, when they saw that they needed to eat independently, they just needed to adapt and get on with it.
You asked several times, they had access to the store, it's too bad that they acted like this and didn't take care of their own meals.
NTA Your parents are for acting like spoiled children unable to feed themselves while at your place and then complaining to your sister.
OP responded:
I think you're right. I tried calling and understanding the situation but got no replies. I feel very upset too so it's probably best I just let things cool down.
Cassowary32 wrote:
INFO how much time did you actually spend with your parents? Did you ever cook in a way that generates leftovers? You never noticed that there were no used pots and pans? No smell of cooked meals? You didn't notice them going to the convenience store?
How do you not know what food they would like to eat?? You work from home! Yes, they should have spoken up but you didn't make an effort to eat with your parents for a whole month??
OP responded:
I did reply to another comment: we ate cooked meals together. Weekends I had more time to cook, at times we would also visit my fiance's family and we had cooked meals as well. The issue was during work days. I also mentioned I noticed these things, that's why I asked if they were eating and they guaranteed that they were eating and according to them, I didn't see it because I was working.
MizzShay wrote:
My in-laws are like this. When they come to visit, they are so out of sorts that even though we take them to the store and everything is the same, cooking in our kitchen is "complicated," and they can't do it; they get sick from the air here, they are hungry but don't want to be a bother or mess with anything, the water is different and upsets their stomach, etc. etc. etc.
My husband would beat himself up, then would bend over backward, and now they are just at a breaking point because there are cultural barriers and age-related barriers we can't seem to get through that have only increased with age. His sisters will call us when they are here and tell us the same things.
We can take them to the store to get the exact coffee they drink at home, and they will say no they like ours, then call his sisters and say they are getting sick because of our coffee. This may be a challenge because they are so uncomfortable outside of their norm, whether it is out of the country, out of their home, or their environment, that they lose the capacity to be self-sufficient.
You should try and talk with them but keep in mind they may have some barriers and walls built that they need to realize (or can't realize). Especially if they are older and have not left their comfort zone most of their life.
OP responded:
OMG thank you so much for this insight!! I think you're absolutely correct. My dad has the terrible habit of complaining about everything. We took them to see literally one of the seven wonders of the world, paid for a huge Airbnb and his first comment was "oh the clock on the wall is broken."
I feel like there's nothing that I could do that would be enough, he'll always have something bad to say. Yeah, your comment helped me make sense of this situation so thanks again.
A day later, OP shared a major update.
Thank you so much for all the replies, I appreciate all insights. It was kinda funny to see how invested some of you got over my family drama lol so that made me feel less down. Anyway, so I got a hold of my mom, who is the most level headed family member and asked her what they said so my sister had such a strong reaction.
Some of you were correct, my sister did blow this out of proportion. But ALSO, my parents, particularly my dad, have a strong feeling of inadequacy, which I knew of but I never thought I would become the focus of it. Essentially, she said my dad felt like he didn't deserve any of the things we were doing for them, hence why he chose junk food over the quality food we provided.
My dad has some self hatred that was present my whole life, he is very overweight, he smokes and he's also a functional alc-holic. Me and my partner are fitness oriented people, so we paid for a monthly gym subscription for both of them so we could all go together.
They both said they wanted it but my dad went a few times only. I did notice he was smoking a lot more than I remember and he was also buying beers every week.But I guess it was his way of coping with whatever feelings that were triggered by his first international trip. Apparently, he never thought he would go anywhere.
My sister heard all of this and thought that I did something that made my dad feel this way. That I mistreated him or that I somehow caused this idk. None of this is true. I was super happy to have my parents here and I'm not ashamed of them whatsoever, I was proud to introduce my family to my American friends and everyone went above and beyond to make them feel welcomed.
I did everything I could possibly thing of. I'm not rich, but I'm prudent with my money so I do have a comfortable life. This doesn't mean I can stop working tomorrow, I'm not a millionaire. But the issue is not with me, is with how my parents feel inside.
It's almost like I'm being punished for leaving poverty behind and somehow, they chose to distance themselves, like I'm an outsider. So it wasn't about the food, it was about my dad and his extreme inferiority complex, that stopped him from enjoying his time and connecting with me, my partner, in my house and my new reality.
My mom did apologize on behalf of my sister, said she planned on talking to me and regretted that she didn't, because of how my sister brought this issue to me. Idk how to digest all of this but yeah, I guess I have some therapy sessions ahead of me. Anyway, thanks for reading it.
The internet was invested in the update.
Hina74656 wrote:
Once again, I'm super thankful for my totally boring family. These parents sound exhausting.
EducationalTangelo6 wrote:
I had a parent like this. We're now no contact (for different reasons), but she's a disability pensioner and whenever she came to stay it always became an issue because I happily paid for everything and tried to get her to put food in the trolley she could eat (she has many GI issues), but she refused.
Then she would go home and moan to other family members about me feeding her things I couldn't eat and taking her places that were too expensive (I was paying!)
It was just exhausting. I'm glad OP has a mother she could communicate with; hopefully they can organize another trip in the future which will go better because everything is out in the open now. And sis needs to shut her mouth and take a seat. Meddling nitwit.
Mizzshay wrote:
My in-laws are like this. When they come to visit, they are so out of sorts that even though we take them to the store and everything is the same, cooking in our kitchen is "complicated", and they can't do it; they get sick from the air here, they are hungry but don't want to be a bother or mess with anything, the water is different and upsets their stomach, etc. etc. etc.
My husband would beat himself up, then would bend over backward, and now they are just at a breaking point because there are cultural barriers and age-related barriers we can't seem to get through that have only increased with age.
His sisters will call us when they are here and tell us the same things. We can take them to the store to get the exact coffee they drink at home, and they will say no they like ours, then call his sisters and say they are getting sick because of our coffee.
This may be a challenge because they are so uncomfortable outside of their norm, whether it is out of the country, out of their home, or their environment, that they lose the capacity to be self-sufficient.
You should try and talk with them but keep in mind they may have some barriers and walls built that they need to realize (or can't realize). Especially if they are older and have not left their comfort zone most of their life.