'AITA for not dating a single dad my friends set me up with? They think I'm being judgmental.'
"AITA for not dating a single dad, even if he's a victim?"
I(19F) recently went on a date with a guy, Ben (25M), after meeting through mutual friends. He was nice enough at first but I found out he has two kids. One is 7M, which means he became a dad at 18 with a 19-year-old and the other is 2M. I’ve always known I don’t want to date someone with kids. There was nothing wrong with him as a person but I just couldn’t see myself in that situation long-term.
I'm not particularly a fan of kids. If I have my own someday, we’ll see, but that’s not happening anytime soon. However, I don’t think I could handle being a stepmother. After our first date, he messaged me saying he really liked me and wanted to see me again. I politely told him I didn’t think it would work out. That’s when he started pressuring me for a reason.
He said he thought we clicked so well, we had the same interests, and he didn’t understand why I was saying no. I tried to keep it vague at first, but he kept pushing, so I finally told him I wasn’t comfortable dating someone with kids. That set him off. He started saying things like how he thought younger girls liked experienced men and that I was being judgmental.
Then he said he didn’t plan for any of this to happen and asked "Don’t you think I’m a victim? I was just a dumb kid when I had my first and the second one was a surprise. I don’t even see his kids that often and that we wouldn’t have any problems. I was baby trapped. I have it way harder than you." At that point, I was done. I didn’t reply to him anymore. The mutual friends who set us up, he told them.
They said I was being judgmental. Nobody these days cares about how many baby mamas someone has or about being a stepmom. I told them I just don’t see myself in that position. My friend said they understand but that I should still apologize to Ben. So, should I do it? I don’t think I’m wrong, but my friends say my apologizing would make peace for their relationship with Ben too. AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
SwimmingProgram6530 wrote:
NTA. How the hell is he a victim? Stay clear of this man child.
OP responded:
He said that when the first child was conceived, his partner was 18 and he was 17. So basically, he was a minor at the time, and he wasn’t dating his baby mama. Tbh I thought he was a good guy but when he said he doesn’t see his kids, it made me change my opinion. Maybe I don’t like kids but they are YOUR kids. You have to be responsible for them.
SwimmingProgram6530 responded:
I get the first slip up but then he did it again two years later. He absolutely should be seeing his children and it’s a red flag that he doesn’t. You are way too young to be taking on a role as stepmom. Don’t do it.
OP responded:
Yup, I’m not caught between whether to date him or not because I already decided that I’m not going to after I learned about his situation. But I was wondering if I should apologize or not. While I don’t think I’m wrong, my friend says Ben is upset because someone is thinking of his children as "red flags" and not dating him.
xxdggxx wrote:
He's not even a good person tbh. Wouldn't accept your 'no' at face value, tried to pressure you with guilt trips, said weird s--t like 'young girls want experienced men so we should date'...and tried to make you date him out of pity, like that's something that ever goes well jfc.
The single dad thing is secondary to all that imo. You are entitled to your boundaries and your 'I'm not interested' would have been enough for a genuinely good guy. NTA.
Fluffy-Pollution-998 wrote:
NTA. He played the Victim card for sympathy. Red flag. Don't allow your friends to set you up anymore.
CareyAHHH wrote:
NTA. I’m another woman not interested in becoming a stepmother, and therefore will not date men with children (not that I’ve had to refuse any). And one thing that make me want to date a man with children even less, is if he is an uninvolved father.
Not to mention his calling himself a victim because he got 2 women pregnant. Unless both pregnancies were a result of some form of SA, then he was a willing participant.
Also, it was one date. Who wants to be involved with someone who gets this angry after one date.
And to save the creepiest for last, sounds like he is targeting younger women, because he thinks he can have more control over them.
Any “friends” telling you to give him another chance or apologize need to back off. No one should have to date someone they don’t want to. And if they think he is so great, they should date him.
Find new friends.
rmmomma4eva wrote:
NTA. You don't need a man with kids dragging you down at 19. He11 no. And if your friends were going to feel responsible for the outcome of the date, why didn't they tell you about his kids ahead of time? And the guy has the nerve to gaslight you? You owe no apologies. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
Itworkedinmyhead wrote:
Huh. This man told you he was too stupid to figure out how c--doms work, he really doesn't care that much about his kids, he thinks you owe it to him to date him, and that you should be thrilled an experienced guy like him wants to be with a young girl like you, and he believes any of that sounds remotely appealing?
I cannot imagine how many paint chips he ate as a child and why no one stopped him. Also, you need better friends. The ones who set you up with this jacka-- don't like you. Good for you for not buckling and giving him another chance.