'AITA for not discipling my children for spoiling their new stepfather's birthday?'

"AITA for not discipling my children for spoiling their new stepfather's birthday?"

I have two kids with my ex aged 14 and 12. It's been 10 years since my ex and I broke up and we're not on the best of terms. All communication is generally through an app unless speaking face to face which is rare.

She got married in August of last year. Her husband's birthday was last weekend and according to her the day of she had a whole day together planned for her, him and the kids, but the kids had rotten attitudes the whole day and spoiled his birthday dinner that night with his family.

She claims they refused to wish him a happy birthday, tried to get out of spending the day with them and were sullen at dinner. And when she talked to them about it on Sunday they told her they didn't see why they had to celebrate her husband when she doesn't ever want them to celebrate me.

That's referring to the fact I always took my kids shopping for gifts for their mom for her birthday and for Mother's Day and I'd let them drop off the gifts on her birthday if I had them or I'd send them to their mom's with the gifts if her birthday fell during her custody time. The kids typically ask. I know they have asked her to do the same for me and she refuses, which bothers them a lot.

Ex has disliked me doing that. She said it's trying to make her look like a bad mom/parent because she won't do the same for our kids. There's also bad blood surrounding the relationship with her husband and the kids. She wanted them to keep it from me that she was dating someone but they didn't.

That's been a sticking point ever since too. The kids don't like him. They mostly just ignore him but the birthday celebration made that difficult. Add the fact she has said no to them when they asked for her help in getting stuff for me it's all very messy and honestly?

I don't care. My kids didn't do anything dangerous. They also didn't make a big scene. For me it's not great but I'm not invested in those relationships over there. My ex expected me to carry on the consequences she set for the kids at their house for their behavior on her husband's birthday but I didn't.

She realized this when she saw our daughter with her friends on Wednesday and my ex was pissed enough to come by the house and yell at me. She said I should be presenting a united front with her on this and demanding they treat her husband better as their third parent.

I just told her to leave and closed the door. Then yesterday my kids saw her outside the diner they typically go to with friends on Thursday's. They said she didn't look happy. So I guess she's getting ready to confront me about it again potentially. AITA for not disciplining the kids for the birthday incident?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

daniroo88 wrote:

That is her husband, not their dad. I would honestly say if she confront you again. If you showed me respect, they may show him with respect. Right now they see no reason to even show him the smallest amount. And she forced them to go spend a day with someone she knows they don’t like.

OP responded:

To her he's their new second dad and she's pissed they don't agree with her. Hell maybe they could've had a great relationship with him if this had all been handled better. But if she thinks I'm going to do the hard work to improve the relationships in her household while she does everything she could to make them worse than she's got another thing coming.

kragg_hack wrote:

NTA. She seems to show you no respect with the gift giving (because I suspect you only do that for your kids sake), so why would you help her in any way with this. But, if you do want to help her (and also perhaps your kids in the long run), tell her that anyone with knowledge about how to make kids react in a good and healthy way to step parents would say that her actions is exactly the opposite of what she is doing.

Because right now she is making the kids resent him even more and soon they will resent their mom too. Of course, if you don't care about that it is not your problem at this point.

Stoic_STFU Wrote:

“She wanted them to keep it from me that she was dating someone but they didn't. That's been a sticking point ever since too. The kids don't like him.” She created this mess. The coercing your children to lie about her relationship is not the way to cultivate respect and trust between them and this person she chose to marry.

Not helping them with whatever they ask her to do to facilitate getting you gifts is beyond petty and has backfired. This is proof that as a parent you need to lead by example - they see that she isn’t willing to help them do things for you - yet expects them to support her in doing things for the person she married?!

Whatever the cause of the divorce - she’s projecting and perpetuating negativity unnecessarily and it’s hurting her relationship with your children - not you. Her poor parenting choices are not your responsibility to mitigate - nor are you obligated to “punish” your children during your custody time - unless it’s something mutually agreed upon. Her stupidity is pushing her children away. NTA.

turBO246 wrote:

How are you ever going to "have a united front" when you can't communicate (outside of face to face) without a special app?

If you had a much more amicable co-parenting situation, then I would agree that you should be united in the discipline, but that's just not the case.

If you both showed each other equal respect (read, if she showed you respect), then the kids would likely show their stepdad respect.

The way they look at it, their mom consistently disrespects their dad, so why should they respect her husband. Respect is earned. NTA.