'AITA for not dropping out of a house party despite it making my ex's new fiancé uncomfortable?' UPDATED

"AITA for not dropping out of a house party despite it making my ex's new fiancé uncomfortable?"

My ex (27M) and I (26F) split two years ago. We met through my best friend, who worked in the same theatre as him then, and the reason we broke up was because he didn't think we were working anymore.

It was pretty amicable (I didn't put up a fight or anything), but I strongly believed there was no reason for us to to be friends anymore (that always causes problems), but I'm still friendly with his friends, and I make small chat if I run into his parents. We live a pretty close knit environment.

Don't ask me how, we live in a city, but most of my friends and his come from either the same uni or have a common hobby, or we roam around the same circles and we definitely see each other once or twice a couple of months. My ex has a fiancé now, and I am happy for them. I have never met her, and till now I thought this didn't matter or anything. We are all adults (or so I think).

One of his closest friends, Peter, just bought a house. I am friends with his girlfriend. And we are both invited to the housewarming. I didn't think any of it, however, my ex, texted me yesterday, after like a year? Albeit, very politely, that maybe I could skip the housewarming, as he was bringing his fiancé, and she will feel uncomfortable.

I was pretty weirded out by his wording, so I called him. He said, his fiancé, feels uncomfortable that I would be anywhere close to him, and the fact that they both feel like I sometimes 'intrude' into their social gatherings, just to prove I'm better than her to his friends.

I got pretty mad hearing him say these things and I asked him in what way. We are not friends, and I stopped hanging out with his friends the moment we broke up to not make things difficult for him. There were a lot of people in his I became close to, but I stepped away, just so that things weren't awkward for any future partner.

And how was it my fault? My ex explained two of his friends didn't like or respect his gf and think she's an airhead, and so did his parents. Our circles are I admit, full of literature and theatre people and I admit some of them can be pretentious. Again, I told him that was him being a spineless bf and not my problem.

I told my ex strongly that both Peter and his gf are my friends and I would be going to their housewarming, and his relationship issues are not my problem. I have blocked him now, and his fiancé sent a long text on how she was sorry, but now I was apparently being vindictive, and how did it matter if I didn't go to a housewarming?

She asked me to not make any drama and please respect her. I didn't reply and blocked her. My friends are pissed at my ex and I haven't told my friend or Peter any of it yet. I think maybe I could have handled it any other way. AITAH?

The comments quickly came rolling in.

sparklinglavenderr wrote:

NTA. This is definitely their insecurity problem, not yours. You’re going to your friend’s party, not showing up to their engagement photoshoot. You’ve already done more than enough to keep things chill post-breakup. TBH way more than most people would.

If his fiancé feels some type of way, that’s on them to work out. You’re not responsible for their relationship drama. Go to the party, have fun, and let them figure out their issues without dragging you into it.

Flora-Leely wrote:

NTA. You’re not obligated to skip social events just because it makes your ex’s fiancé uncomfortable. You’ve already made significant adjustments by stepping back from mutual friends post-breakup to avoid any awkwardness, which is more than considerate. Your ex’s inability to manage his new fiancé's insecurities or the opinions his friends and family have of her isn’t your burden to bear.

You have every right to attend a party hosted by your friends, and it's unfair of them to ask you to miss out just to ease someone else's discomfort. Blocking was a bit extreme, but it sounds necessary to avoid further drama and maintain your peace. Stick to your plan, enjoy the housewarming, and keep rocking your independence and respect for boundaries.

Mother_Search3350 wrote:

You should have told the airhead bimbo to f-ck off before blocking her. The audacity of giving that woman your contact numbers is shitty AF too. You are right he is a spineless idiot who thinks everyone is supposed to dance to his bimbo's music. If they don't like the friend circle, they can stay away and make other friends, or hang with her circle of bimbettes NTAH.

Additional_Emu1427 wrote:

NTA. The gf’s insecurities are not your problem. His friends and family being snobs isn’t your problem. They are all your ex’s problem and he is trying to make this easy on himself instead of actually fixing his relationship.

Obviously his gf needs reassurance and he needs to stand up for her if people are being pretentious twats. If she can’t handle you being there maybe they should skip the housewarming? The childishness of this is ridiculous.

Organic_Mix-9422 wrote:

A friend of mine got a very insecure jealous possessive girlfriend. She hated all of his platonic female friends and did her best to keep him away from all of us. I in particular was targeted even though I had just left a long term relationship and was broken. She tried to break up 10 year friendships and eventually was hammered. Women like this are just insecure idiots.

A little over a week later, OP shared an update.

Thank you for all the lovely suggestions in my previous post, which is why I am doing an update. I did go to the party. Honestly, after reading that yes, my ex had in fact lost his mind, I decided not to bother Peter or his gf; my friend, and just go and mind my business. It's not like my ex and his fiancée would come and scream the house down on seeing me.

Again, I guess I didn't mention in my last post, and the reason I was more mad at my ex, was because I have a very serious boyfriend. The idea that my ex's fiancée would think I'd go anywhere to spite my ex despite having a boyfriend was really insulting.

We went to the housewarming, and I ignored them. I don't care, we are all adults, and I am not going to fuel drama. And my ex and his fiancée (her especially), made a fool of themselves, and at some point, even I felt bad because I saw how desperate she was for my ex's friends to respect her or take any ONE of her sentences seriously.

Whoever, she tried to talk to ignored her or straight up walked away. Again, Peter and my ex's friends are a different group, and I'm not friends with them. But the way my ex let his friends treat his fiancée made my blood boil. I mostly hung out with my friends (Peter's GF's friend group), and I didn't speak or look at my ex once.

One time he said hi, and my boyfriend said hello back, and we didn't see him near us for the rest of the night. His fiancée just asked me if my dress 'wasn't a bit too modest'. And Peter told her, everyone there followed the dress code; casual-elegant, (don't ask me, I didn't make the rules), but she didn't. My boyfriend already loathes my ex, so we did not mingle near them again.

Overall, I had a good time, we even got to leave early and have some more time to ourselves, watched a movie, and had a good time at home. However, what pissed me off was how much of a sh--ty fiancé he was, and how much his fiancée was trying to fit in, and failing, and he wouldn't even help her.

My boyfriend isn't just a 'bookish' person, and he doesn't fit in with some pretentious people either, and he is very blunt, so some people don't like him. Plus, he loves video games, and comics, and has hobbies (trekking, diving) which scare me. But we compromise and learn to adjust to each other's interests.

Plus, if someone treats my bf even a little like how they treat my ex's fiancée, I'd cut them off, no questions asked, and I am already LC with a few friends who judged and made comments about him in the past. I really hope she leaves him, if she has any dignity, or he gets his s--t together. All in all, not my problem.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

PristineArmadillo812 wrote:

Something about the first story and the 'modest dress' comment has me thinking the new fiance was an affair partner and she's always been insecure about OP. She's been competing with you longer than you realise probably.

HillMickaelson wrote:

I agree with you. It seems like that girl was the AP of OP’s ex-fiancée. That would definitely explain the competition, insecurity, why his friends treat her so badly, and why his parents don’t like her. It would also explain why he doesn’t respect or try to protect her—why would he take someone with no morals seriously?

I bet OP's ex-fiancé’s friends and parents like OP more, and the girls in the group are probably making that girl’s life hard out of fear that she’ll go after their boyfriends, just like she did with OP's ex. OP, keep your distance from them. They don’t deserve even a minute of your time.

SurroundMiserable262 wrote:

You handled this perfectly. Part of me felt like she didn't want you there because she didn't want the reality check because she has now had the opportunity to see how you interact with people, how your boyfriend interacts with you and how people interact with her boyfriend. And the paradox between your situation and her situation.

It's a shame you blocked them because i imagine if they were messages in backlash to your success vs hers they would have been glorious to read. But importantly. You don't care in fact you have empathy for her. That's great. Shows how beautifully you've grown over two years.

Bonnm42 wrote:

Wow you are a genuinely nice person. After she took a petty dig at you, you are more mad at how your ex’s friends treat her than your ex was. I think that says a lot about your character, and what a strong and confident person you are. Bravo OP 👏🏻

Suitable-Park184 wrote:

NTA for attending. But I think all of your friends sound like pretentious AHs. A dress code for a housewarming?? And being rude and ignoring someone’s partner because they’re not smart enough or interesting enough?

MsMourningStar wrote:

Having an excuse to dress up is fun, plus they’re theater kids so it just amplifies that. I doubt anyone would’ve commented on her outfit if she hadn’t tried to throw shade at OP. She made herself look bad.