'AITA for not forcing my fiancé to choose another Best Man since he bullied my brother?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for not forcing my fiancé to choose a different Best Man, even though his Best Man -llied my brother?"
My fiancé and Jack were next door neighbours but my fiancé attended a private school so didn’t go to the same school as us. They’ve been best friends all growing up and I met my fiancé when we both worked at a restaurant and we have been dating for 4 years.
My family have met my fiancé, including my brother, and they all love him. That much that my brother, fiancé and Dad went on a guys fishing trip pre-c0vid. I’ve also met Jack, which was a bit of a shock initially as I knew he was really mean to my brother growing up, especially with him being really nice to me.
I still am not keen on him for what he put my brother through but I respect the bond he has with my fiancé because they are literally like brothers and are incredibly close.
The problem:
After the engagement we were talking about the bridesmaids and groomsmen and fiancé was adamant that when we get married Jack must be by his side.
Jack was by him throughout really challenging times of his life and that it is non-negotiable whether he is best man or not. I made an attempt to speak to my brother privately about Jack being best man and offer him the joint role with my dad to walk me down the isle so he can really be included but he accidentally found out before I could speak to him after my mom mentioned it.
He then went mental at me for even thinking that he would show up to a wedding if Jack was there, and also thinking he would accept a pity position of walking me down the aisle, especially since Jack is getting a special role all to himself.
He is now refusing to even talk about possible solutions with me if ANY of them include Jack.
I honestly didn’t realise that Jack would be that much of a problem because they both had attended my fiancé’s birthday party a few years back.
AITA if I refuse to make my fiancé change his best man?
Quick Edit: My fiancé, brother and Jacks ages are 24/25 years old. The b-llying happened when they were between 10-14 years old and the b-llying was largely name-calling and excluding my brother from playing with them.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
[deleted] wrote:
INFO: have you taken to your fiancé about the fact that Jack b-llied your brother? What was his response?
OP responded:
After I realised that my fiancé and Jack were best friends, we had a massive conversation about it and what Jack had done to my brother. My fiancé didn't justify what Jack had done and they spoke about it themselves and Jack assured my fiancé that he's not like that anymore and has grown up.
I'm still not overly friendly with Jack, but he has said to me if my brother is willing to talk to him, he's willing to apologise for everything. My brother has refused him of all social media or communications hence why I'm having to be the relayer of information.
shallweskate wrote:
Alright so your fiance knew. But if Jack is truly changed as he insisted, was there any conversation about making amends to your brother? You all will be family, and Jack is his best friend, and there was no talk about how your brother will react? Seems like you were hoping that there would always be some distance between you, your brother, and Jack. In hindsight it seems so horribly naive.
Without Jack apologising, I don't know what your fiance's apology is going to mean - sorry you were bullied by Jack but he's my best friend, and I want him as my best man in the wedding to your sister? Sounds like you two want to sweep this under the rug and have your brother squash down his feelings for the sake of attending this wedding. I really hope this isn't the case.
OP responded:
Honestly I thought that the distance between them was fine. Definitely naïve of me I know and you all can shout at me for that because I accept that.
They had been around each other before for my fiancé’s birthday parties so I assumed that giving my brother an important role would be okay but honestly it’s not. I’ve honestly been really oblivious to the entire thing and now trying to find any solution :/
MyFriendsCallMeEpic wrote:
ESH. "He then went mental at me for even thinking that he would show up to a wedding if Jack was there, and also thinking he would accept a pity position of walking me down the aisle, especially since Jack is getting a special role all to himself. He is now refusing to even talk about possible solutions with me if ANY of them include Jack."
I don't know what extent of the b-llying did to your brother but it clearly has had lasting impact on him. Honestly I'm not surprised and it doesn't even sound like he is being unreasonable (your brother that is).
You don't get to make victims deal with their ab-sers, he just won't attend your wedding and your relationship will probably die on this hill to be honest. I will probably get the down votes considering everyone is saying his being immature about it but how else is he supposed to deal with it?
I see all the time in these posts that people don't have to accept an apology from their high school b-llies so what's the difference here? We are only getting op's side/interpretation of the events but based off how the brother is acting we're definitely missing context here.
TriggeredPumpkin wrote:
YTA. But not just a typical AH. You're a really s-ty sister as well. THANK GOD you're not a member of my family and therefore not my problem. But what the F are you even thinking allowing your fiancé to invite your brother's B-LLY to YOUR wedding? Let alone making him his BEST MAN.
That's incredibly disrespectful to your brother.
What I would do if I was you: Tell your fiancé that you're not comfortable having your brother's ab-ser at your wedding (let alone as best f-king man).
If he refuses to disinvite Jack, call off the wedding (and maybe break up).
You and your fiancé are completely disrespecting your brother, and I'm glad he's going no-contact on you. You deserve it. You're a very sh-ty sister. Time to grow up and be a better sister.
Two months later, OP shared an update.
Some of you wanted a bit of an update so here I am, sorry that it’s really long and sporadic but my mind still isn’t clear. After the post I also reached out to my mom and dad begging them to let me speak to my brother or at least ask him if he would be okay with me being there and listening to why he didn’t feel comfortable with Jack (the b-lly) in the wedding.
I promised that I would listen to anything he had to say without hesitation and that I need to make him a priority. My brother agreed to it as long as I agreed to stay silent throughout and not speak back.
We met up about a week after my post at home with my mom and dad there as witnesses and to help enforce my not speaking rule. To sum it up my brother was upset that he was going to be replaced by Jack at the wedding and thought that this time fiancé would have chosen him over Jack for the best man.
The b-llying when he was younger was usually to do with Jack being more athletic than my brother, or smarter than my brother, or funnier and more well liked than my brother. It really hurt my brother that Jack came back into his life and again it was like Jack was a better choice for Best Man than my brother.
He was quite upset and I ended up breaking my silence rule to say that I am incredibly sorry. My fiancé and I spoke about the wedding and what my brother had said. There were none that would lead to both of us being truly happy so for a few days we tried to take a break from the stress.
Jack came over to visit around this time and sensed something was really wrong and he found out my brother was refusing to come to the wedding. Jack knew it was because of his presence and being the best man and decided to tell fiancé that my family is his family and he wouldn’t show up to the wedding but celebrate with us before and after.
He didn’t want fiancé to start our married life on the wrong foot and he said that was his karma from being a bully. We ended up respecting Jack's choice, albeit my fiancé was upset but understood that Jack was trying to look out for him.
We relayed that Jack was no longer in the wedding back to my immediate family and my brother agreed to go. So things were fine for a while until we met up with my family again for the first time since the fallout. My brother ended up speaking to my fiancé alone and started trashing Jack and asking if he could be the best man now since Jack got kicked out.
My fiancé told my brother that Jack left the wedding with dignity himself so my brother could be happy there. Fiancé ended up walking out after some more harsh words from both sides. Fiancé ended up walking out the house and we had to have a frank discussion.
We’ve chosen to not get married anymore. It’s too much hassle and if we were we’d just elope. Right now we’re needing a lot more time to fix ourselves, our relationship and our relationships with our families. We may be taking some time apart soon if things don’t get better soon but in the end my fiancé is the man I thought I was going to spend my life with.
The internet continued to share their two cents.
HappinessHero wrote:
Sounds like your brother is stuck in his trauma. And what you are seeing is a trauma stress response. Your brother is going to need a therapist who specialises in trauma or complex trauma. As for you, I’m sorry to hear it has affected your wedding plans. I don’t know what to say.
tiny_lolita wrote:
I read your previous post. I can’t help but get the feel that your brother wants your fiancé to be his best friend; it might sound bizarre because of demanding to be best man and just the general vibe I’m getting.
The feeling like your brother is trying to replace Jack in some sort of way. Yes, Jack was a b-lly and I’m sure he has hurt your brother deeply, but I do commend Jack for being respectful in his method of retreat. I’m getting vibes of jealousy, envy, and a strange sense of possessiveness from your brother.
Strong-Bottle-4161 wrote:
What did your brother say about Jack to your fiancée. It honestly sounds like he wanted the best man position as a way to “beat” Jack. It sounds like he’s gloating about getting Jack removed and is wanting to find a way to add to that superiority that he feels.
OP responded:
He was calling him self important, manipulative, cheap but the last string was when he was saying how he was a selfish C-word. Since what he did was the opposite of selfish it just was the last straw.
dataslinger wrote:
Props to Jack for taking responsibility for being the author of the situation. Your brother seems unhealed from the past trauma and unhealthily fixated on his place in fiancé's circle of friends. Has he had any therapy?
OP responded:
He’s been in therapy before but decided he wouldn’t go back as he feels a lot better now. Tbh I was really uncomfortable about him asking to be best man, it was like rubbing salt in a wound and I don’t know if he just wants the validation from fiancé or to one up Jack now.