"AITA for not forgiving my friend for repeatedly crossing a boundary? Now his wife is after me."

"AITA for not forgiving my friend for repeatedly crossing a boundary, now his wife is after me?"

I (32 F) have had this friend (30 M), we'll call him Bob, and his wife (33 F), we'll call her Mary for a little while. We enjoy each other's company from time to time and have a relatively chill relationship.

About a year ago, I confessed to Bob that my husband and I are TTC but have been unsuccessful, resulting in multiple miscarriages. He was empathetic, stating that he and Mary also suffered a miscarriage recently, so we kinda trauma bonded through that. Fast forwarding to a week ago. We had some friends over for a game night and all was going well until the topic of kids got brought up.

The conversation was going fine, frankly. I said something like, "Oh, whenever (husband's name) and I have a kid, we'll probably do (this activity here)." And Bob mutters underneath his breath to me,

"Yeah, if you ever get that far."

I was shocked, of course and gave him a look that screamed, "Are you kidding me right now??" Nobody else heard the comment but he seemed to shrug it off in a nonchalant way, and we carried on with the night. Then a few nights ago, I was on discord with the same group of friends, minus my husband and his wife and another person, but we decided to play "Overcooked 2" because, why not?

We boot up the game, and make funny voices through the opening cut scene with the Onion King, when the part of the cut scene comes up with "The Unbread" (zombie bread) start rising from the graves, Bob says out loud,

"Look, (my name), they're "un-bred" like you."

The whole conversation stopped at that point and one of the other discord members chimed in, telling him off. He gave a noncommittal apology but it pissed me off. I left chat and went to bed. He sent me a msg, saying he was sorry and that it was a joke, and I told him his was a prick and that he has no write overstepping my personal boundary like that.

Since then, I haven't spoken to him. Now, his wife, Mary, is on my case. She's telling me I'm being overly sensitive and her husband's joke and to just forgive him, because now he's acting all mopey around their house. I told her that "it's not my fault he feels guilty for what he said. I'm allowed to stand up for myself."

She now says I'm being a b**ch for making her husband depressed, and to make things right. In the mean time, his comments have put me in a state of depression again that I can't shake, and now I have his wife on my case too.

AITAH for not forgiving Bob? Or should I stick to my morals?

The internet had a lot to say about the dynamic.

Preimentalpause wrote:

Why are you a b word for him being upset, but he's not a massive prick for basically making a mockery of your fertility struggles? You don't get to have feefees because the big boy has hurt ones? What a crock of s#$t. NTA. I'd end this friendship. And then I'd also tell Mary:

"Hey, you know what sucks? Having your fertility struggles shoved out there like it's fodder for sh#$ty frat boy humor. Do you see me mocking YOUR miscarriage?"

"Or imply he can't shoot his shot that's actually functional? No. Because it's f#$king hurtful. He's not affording me the same respect, and what he's saying aren't jokes. They're evil little jabs and he's being cruel. Maybe you should be more concerned about what's going on in your own house instead of what's happening between him and I."

"Figure out why he feels the need to be such a cruel AH about something he's also going through. And why I'm the bad guy for being upset, but he's allowed to mope like a f@#king toddler. Figure that one out, Mary, and then maybe we can talk. And don't fly at me like his monkey again. I have a hose. I'll use it."

Figuringoutpuzzlez wrote:

NTA - always a red flag when anyone is saying you are the AH for making someone feel bad about saying something offensive AND COMPLETELY unwarranted. Do they have children? Just curious.

Trying to figure out why he would even say something like this multiple times. Especially after you were vulnerable about something sensitive and he claimed to understand what you are going through because they had similar problems.

It makes no sense honestly. Can you point blank ask him “I just want to know why you said those things? Like what were you trying to accomplish with saying those things?” Make him explain it. Did he ever express interest in you and is mad that you are trying to have a kid with another man and he’s unhappy in his relationship?

UnicornAllie wrote:

Oh poor baby boy is mopping around the house because actions have consequences. Omg who would have thought that people don’t like to be ridiculed by their own problems that they have shared with people that they trust . Let him mope and cry , it might make him a better person. NTA.

Special_Lychee_6847 wrote:

Tell the wife that if she thinks making a mockery of miscarriages publicly, she should step up and be the focus of her husband's 'jokes'. But you're not going to be his emotional punching bag.

IF he really feels bad, it's because he should. If he's depressed, he should find professional help, and not demand it from the victim of his own immature cruelty. NTA. And just stop being friends with them. They sound vile, the both of them.

Harmony109 wrote:

It’s not on you to make it right. It’s on Bob to make it right and his noncommittal apology isn’t the fix. Forget his wife. Cut her off since she’s just as bad as he is. If she were a real friend, she would have stood up for you and called him out. He did this to himself. You are not responsible for someone else’s reaction, especially when they’re the one who caused the issue. Find new friends! NTA.