Man tries to keep woman's dog after breakup, threatens to sue. 'He became my lifeline.' AITA?
"AITA for not giving our dog back to my ex after our breakup, even though I said I would?"
Eight months ago, my ex (30F) broke up with me (32M) after a year and a half together. During the relationship, we bought an apartment and adopted a stray puppy—Doggy—who became incredibly important to me, especially after I went through a period of severe depression and anxiety triggered by workplace harassment.
Both my ex and Doggy played a vital role in my recovery. I even considered registering him as an emotional support animal but backed out, not wanting to change his playful nature through training.
After we split, we agreed she would stay in the apartment while I found another place, and that we’d share custody of Doggy, alternating every two weeks. Meanwhile, we’d figure out what to do with the apartment (sell, rent, etc.).
The apartment had issues—it needed renovations we never finished and was facing partial expropriation—so selling it seemed like a long, complicated process. She initially offered to buy my share but backed out when I asked how much she’d pay. Later, she proposed buying my part for two-thirds of the original value, despite us having invested more money in it for repairs.
Two months ago, I went to collect some things, and she pressed me for an answer about the apartment. I said I needed more time because her offer was too low. That’s when she told me she didn’t want to share custody of Doggy anymore.
I said if that was the case, we’d have to settle it legally. On the day she was supposed to hand him over, she told me she wouldn’t—that I had “threatened” her and that Doggy was hers all along, and she’d only “loaned” him to me. I had a panic attack. I was devastated.
Later, since I had made a counteroffer on the apartment (asking for just the cost plus what I’d spent on improvements), she accepted. I told her how much her actions were hurting me. She agreed to let me have Doggy one last time—under the condition that it would truly be the last time. I didn’t want to accept, but I felt I had no choice.
She kept her word and gave me Doggy. I followed through on the apartment sale. But in the month I spent with Doggy, I realized how deep my bond with him is. I didn’t feel it was fair to be forced to give him up completely.
The day before I was supposed to return him (two days ago), I texted her saying I didn’t agree with how things were handled and asked to talk things through so we could reach a mutual agreement.
She was furious and reminded me I had promised to give him back and that this was meant to be the final time. I truly meant to return Doggy, but when the moment came, I couldn’t do it. The anxiety of possibly never seeing him again overwhelmed me.
Still, I offered a compromise: she could keep Doggy, but we’d share custody until the end of the year so I could gradually detach from him. I sent that message yesterday, and she hasn’t replied yet. I do feel guilty for not keeping my word, but I honestly didn’t know what else to do. Am I The AH?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
ESH. Legally, the dog belongs to whomever is listed as the owner on the microchip of Doggy has one, otherwise whomever is listed as the owner at the vet. Also, ESAs do not require any training.
They are not service dogs. And training also doesn't get rid of a playful nature. Many people seem to share that same thought about ESAs because they are, as a whole, the worst trained and most consistently reactive dogs I see as a vet tech.
ESH you both are playing revenge on each other. It sounds like you will need to settle this legally once and for all. You made deal to return the dog and didn't-verbal agreement. As much as you need the dog, she may as well. It will probably all come down to whose name is on the receipt for the animal, as it is considered property. Find yourself a good counselor.
Ilovemydog2025 (OP)
We never made an official agreement, we both trusted each other after the breakup. Doggy was a stray dog, there is no receipt (the food and vet were paid by both). But, you are probably right, we both suck here.
A verbal agreement is still a legally enforceable agreement. Proving what the verbal agreement was is usually the limiting factor, but it sounds like you've made several texts that I bet could be used to convincingly establish the existence of the agreement.
You're a hypocrite. You complain that you were devastated when she kept the dog but now you're doing the exact same thing. But you're solely focused on your feelings with no thought to hers. You're both selfish AHs. Anxiety and depression don't give you a free pass to hurt each other. ESH.
Ilovemydog2025 (OP)
Yes, I'm doing the same and I feel guilty. I did not want to hurt her, but what could I do? I just wanted the original and consensual agreement (not the one she did in all his favor and I had to accept to see Doggy). I don't want a special treatment, even I'm willing to give Doggy (our dog, not only hers) if she accept to share a couple of moths more.
You're not going to gradually detach from him in a couple months. I've owned dogs since I was a kid. That's how I know that you become more attached to dogs the longer you have them. So don't make it seem like this is a temporary thing when you know that you'll want to keep the dog longer.
You need therapy to deal with your anxiety and depression. I've suffered from a severe anxiety disorder and depression for more than twenty years. But I don't use that as an excuse to go back on my word, and neither should you.
Talk to a lawyer and a therapist if you want to keep the dog. Or go to an animal shelter and get another dog. You and your ex are solely focused on what you want, but it's not just about you or her.