'AITA for not going home during our semester break and letting my family deal with the mess they made?'
"AITA for not going home during our semester break and letting my family deal with the mess they made?"
So, for some context: I’m in my second year of college and transferred to a school 2–3 hours away from home, so I stay in a boarding house. After my mom passed away a year ago, I took over a lot of household responsibilities—cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping—because, well, someone had to.
My older sister is a nursing student with a crazy schedule, my younger sister isn’t very independent, and my cousin (who moved in at my dad’s request) helps with cooking, but that’s about it.
At the start of the semester, before I left for school, I made sure the house was spotless. The laundry was done, the fridge was stocked with fruits, veggies, and meal-prepped food, and everything was in order. I figured they’d at least try to maintain it.
But...no. The first weekend I came back, the house was a disaster. Shoes scattered everywhere, dishes piling up, trash overflowing, unfinished takeout rotting in the fridge, and my meal-prepped food? Completely ignored. I was frustrated but cleaned it up anyway, thinking they were still adjusting.
I reminded them—nicely—to at least clean up after themselves not because I was a clean freak but because I want them to live in a clean and healthy environment as it was one of my regrets when my mom passed from health complications and I deeply blamed myself.
The next weekend? Same mess. And the weekend after that.
At that point, I was done. Home was supposed to be a place where I could rest, not somewhere I had to play housekeeper after a long week. So I just…stopped going home. I made excuses—school projects, group hangouts, whatever it took.
Then semester break came. It was also a big religious holiday where we honor the dead, and family would be coming over. Normally, I’d be the one running around, making sure everything was clean and prepared. But this time? I told them I had papers to finish and wouldn’t be coming home on time. In reality, I knew that if I wasn’t there, they would have to clean the house themselves.
And sure enough, while I was away, I checked on our group chat and saw them absolutely panicking. They didn’t know where things went, struggled to buy all the food they needed, complained about not having space to prepare food because the table was too cluttered, and even ran out of clean plates.
Honestly? I felt satisfied knowing they were struggling. I came home the day after the holiday to spend time with them and visit my mom’s grave. As expected, they hit me with, “Oh wow, how convenient that you couldn’t come home earlier.”
But the house? It was cleaner than usual. Not perfect, but better. I know they’ll probably slip back into old habits, but at least now they’ve felt what it’s like to handle things without me. Maybe next time they’ll think twice before taking it all for granted. So, AITA for ditching them and making them clean up their own mess?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
chaingun_samurai wrote:
“Oh wow, how convenient that you couldn’t come home earlier.”
"Nah. Totally planned, because if I came home earlier, you'd expect me to clean up after all y'all, and I'm done with that."
oop_norf wrote:
But seriously, you need to tell them that you're not going to be coming back just to do cleaning, and then follow through.
You don't live there.
OP responded:
I still have to go back sometimes since. I also need some things back home but I have also mentioned this a few times and discussed with them.
LadyMunk wrote:
NTA at all. Actually, if you ask me, you shouldn’t be cleaning and taking care of everything at all. If you do keep with taking on the entire responsibility, you might just come to resent them. And another thing. Why would you blame yourself for anything involving your mom’s passing? First off, a parent’s health is not the child’s responsibility. That’s on the parents.
The fact that your family made that comment shows, that they take you for granted. Don’t let yourself be taken for granted. Also. It’s okay to expect grown ass people to take care of themselves. It’s their own life and their own responsibility (and choice).
CatmoCatmo wrote:
NTA. They just showed you what they think of you. And I gotta say, it’s pretty insulting. Rather than being happy you’re home because they missed you and wanted to see you, instead they decided to be petty and make a passive aggressive remark. Saying the “how convenient” line tells me that they ONLY wanted you to come home because they expected you to clean up after them.
They view you as, and want you to, essentially be their unpaid maid, personal cook, and slave. You haven’t even been there. The mess is NOT yours. Period. Yet they expected you to come and pick up the pieces of their lazy a--es?!?
They do not value you, for YOU. They value you for what service you can provide to them. They made it quite clear with that text, that if you’re not going to do their bidding, then they have no use for you. This isn’t about you not cleaning up their mess this time. This is about their overall attitude and behavior towards you.
They aren’t treating you as a family member they love, support, and respect. This is the crux of the issue and is a massive problem. I’m not sure how to solve this. But ultimately you need to do what’s right for you. Only you know what that is. But you need to see the bigger issue here and decide how you want to go about things. Because their behavior is NOT OK.
fallout4_addict wrote:
NTA, but you need to stop being their caretaker. Unless you're planning on spending the rest of your life living in that house looking after everyone else knowing that if you leave for any length of time, you will be coming back to a hellhole.
You need to let them deal with it.
You've just proven that when they need to, they will, so just stop! You've got more important things to worry about...like your whole future!