'AITA for cutting off my niece and nephew since my SIL moved on from my brother’s passing?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITAH for no longer hanging out with my niece and nephew because their mom moved on from my brother’s d--th?"
Around 7 months ago, my brother passed away and left behind his wife, his son who’s 10, and his daughter who’s 8. My brother and I always had a close bond, and I was also a really close uncle to my niece and nephew.
When my brother passed away, everyone took it really hard, my SIL was inconsolable, and my immediate priority was just to be there for my niece and nephew and help them through this tough time. Last month however, as I was heading over to their house, I saw my SIL kissing some guy as he was dropping her off.
I was shocked, I knew she was going through grief, but I didn’t expect her to move on so quick. When she saw me, she said she had been seeing him for a couple of weeks through a dating app. I didn’t really blame her for how she was processing her grief, but I just felt really sad for my brother’s memory. I decided I no longer wanted to be with her kids and hangout with them.
My SIL has messaged me many times since asking why I’m no longer coming over, and she said she would even stop dating or seeing that guy if it meant I could be with her kids as they really miss me. However, I told her it’s not my life, and that she should feel free to date whenever and whoever she wants, but I just can’t be in her house anymore and I need to process my own grief. AITAH?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
ClaresRaccoon wrote:
Grief is different for everyone. Your niece and nephew are the only piece of your brother that you have now. Hopefully you can get to a point where you are ready to resume that relationship with them.
SecretaryPresent16 wrote:
I don’t want to call you an AH because you’re grieving, but I feel bad for the kids. You say you’ve always been close with them. You led them to believe you’d be there for them and now you’re just abandoning them when they need you the most. I just don’t get how you can do that to the kids. Now they’ve lost another adult in their life that they loved…
Flowerofiron wrote:
You're upset that she moved on and so now you won't have anything to do with the children?! How is that reasonable. I understand you're grieving, but so are those kids. They might be struggling just as much with their mother dating.
IndependentLychee413 wrote:
My mom passed away 30 years ago, my aunts used to come over every night for coffee when she was alive. When she passed away, they all said it hurt too much to come to the house and have coffee with my sister and I. It was like we were being punished or like we didn’t matter anymore.
They were so consumed with their loss. They didn’t care about how empty me and my siblings were and how we really needed them at that time.
Sunny_Hill_1 wrote:
YTA. Dude, you are punishing the kids, who are still your blood relation, for some non-existent transgression. You AREN'T close to your niece and nephew if your first reaction to their mother doing something you don't like is to hold the kids' affection hostage.
Nine hours later, OP shared an update.
Hey everyone, just a quick update. I do realize after reading the comments that I let my emotions get the better of me, and my niece and nephew did nothing to deserve this, and this is not what my brother would have wanted for his kids. They are already going through a tough time and I shouldn’t have abandoned them like that.
I spoke with my SIL, and told her I was willing to take her kids out to do outdoor activities, or she could drop them off at my house or I could pick them up from her house. I however told her I would never step foot in her house ever again, and that it had nothing to do with her, I just needed to process my grief.
My SIL apologized a lot and told me she wouldn’t date, and she asked me again many times if I could come inside their house.
I told her it had nothing to do with her and there was no reason to apologize, she did nothing wrong, and her dating life was none of my business. My SIL did cry a lot after that, and I told her it’s ok, and it sucks that life has been like this. That’s probably my only update, thanks everyone for the advice.
The internet was invested in the update.
Environmental-Age502 wrote:
I'm glad you've decided to stop punishing the kids, but please...
"I told her it had nothing to do with her."
...don't lie.
trvllvr wrote:
Glad you realized that the kids shouldn’t suffer more. I would suggest going to grief counseling to work through your grief and your feelings, especially your reaction to finding out your SIL was dating.
Away_Doctor2733 wrote:
Saying "I won't come in right now, I need some space to process my feelings, not sure how long" is one thing. Saying "I will never set foot in your house ever again" because she kissed another man 8 months after your brother's death is overdramatic and definitely comes off as trying to make her feel bad for processing loss in her way.
Skyrim_thanos wrote:
"Would never step foot in her house ever again"
This is still really f--ked up and frankly cruel. Please see a therapist for grief counseling. You are in a bad spot now but I think if someone helps you get perspective you'll realize what you're doing makes no sense.
FlinFlanFludder4 wrote:
Oh ffs. You'll 'never step foot in her house again'??? Wtf is wrong with you, man? You have a woman promising she won't f--king date ever again so you don't completely abandon her while she's grieving and trying to keep moving forward in life. Can you honestly answer whether you thought you were going to inherit your brother's kids and his wife? Because that's what it sounds like.
You're mad at her for acting on an attraction to another man. Think about that. She's single and windowed and she's not your wife to control. You're acting like a toddler. As I said in your first post, I actually think you'd be an awful role model to these kids if you teach them your s-xist, dehumanising beliefs.