'AITA for not helping my sister with a reference for a job she's more than qualified for?' UPDATED

"WIBTA (33F) for not helping my sister (30F) with a good reference for a job she's more than qualified for?"

My sister Claudia and I are not close. Very low contact, always family related. Around 14 (her) and 17 (me), she stole my boyfriend (16M) by "giving up" more physically than I was willing to. After that kind of betrayal, I've never trusted her fully and have kept my partners distant from her.

I'd like to be clear that it's not just this event alone, but this was the major event that made me pull back from her. This awful behavior has continued throughout Claudia's life - she's stolen the boyfriends of several (3 that I know of) of her (now ex) friends, and always seems to get bored as soon as the guy leaves his partner for her.

Claudia is not a very nice person, but she is superficially charming and makes a good first impression. Twice now at work Claudia has seduced her (married) supervisor (this has happened with two different people at two different jobs) and caused an absolute s-t-show that ended up in the guys resigning. I have no idea what happened to their home situations, but it couldn't have been good.

Claudia thrives on drama and absolutely loves it.

I've suggested counseling, but was shot down - "I'd have to have a problem to need counseling." Claudia "likes the chase more than anything else" and "there's nothing wrong with that."

She justifies her behavior with "anyone that didn't want to cheat wouldn't cheat." You can see why we don't talk much. My friend Brennan (who I met through a previous job) is now in the same industry as Claudia, and Claudia recently found that Brennan's company is hiring. Brennan is sorta-HR for the small company Claudia is interested in, and Claudia has applied.

Brennan sent an email (I should note, it was from his personal address, not his company account) asking if I could vouch for Claudia, and I'm stuck now. Claudia can absolutely do this job. She will be great at it. Except for the fact that she will probably ruin someone's marriage in the process.

The fact that she's done this at 2/3 places she's worked long-term since college is uncomfortable, and there are SIX times I personally know of that she's done this. Claudia is currently single. I don't know what to do, but I'm leaning to not replying to the email and calling Brennan to give my honest opinion that she would be an excellent technical fit but a disaster socially.

That way it's not in writing, and Brennan can still be told.

But, I'm directly sabotaging my sister's prospects if I do that. But again, I'm directly sabotaging Brennan if I don't tell him what Claudia is liable to do. Claudia will pass any screen they give her - she's charming and has no record of any kind.

WIBTA if I told Brennan my sister would be a great technical fit but would be a social disaster?

TL;DR: My sister likes breaking up relationships, including in the workplace. WIBTA if I tell a former colleague this when he asks me to vouch for her?

Commenters had plenty to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

"Except for the fact that she will probably ruin someone's marriage in the process."

I'm assuming these are grown men she has been with? Grown men who have the power to make their own decisions and should take responsibility for said decisions?

She won't be ruining anyone's marriage because maintaining the fidelity of someone else's relationship is not her responsibility. It's the responsibility of these men who have failed at it.

That being said NTA. If she has a penchant for drama then you should be honest with your friend and let him know. He'll find out sooner or later anyways. There are consequences to her participating in drama in the workplace and one of them is a bad reputation. That's on her, not you.

OP responded:

I'm not discounting the guy's actions here. They are complete scumbags! But my sister is absolutely participating in ruining someone's marriage which while not as bad, is still pretty damn bad and a liability at work.

Adding someone like Claudia to a work environment is like adding either baking soda or vinegar. If a vinegar encounters a baking soda, it explodes. If a baking soda encounters a vinegar, it explodes. Claudia is an explosive component, and if added to a workplace could cause big reactions.

primeirofilho wrote:

But having drama between co-workers is bad for business, and the atmosphere in a workplace.

She does bear a degree of responsibility. The husband bears most of it, but she knows what she's doing. It certainly doesn't make her a good person.

Jon72flores wrote:

NTA. You're never suppose to use family as professional references.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. If you want an out, though, you can simply tell Brennan you're not comfortable providing professional references for family, good or bad. Odds are none of these other places are going to give her a glowing review, either - and even if they don't get into the specifics, the pattern will be enough on its own to tell him that there's a problem here.

OP jumped on with an update later the same day.

I called Brennan, it had been nearly a day since his email when I posted. Turns out the reason he reached out to me is because Claudia passed her screening/reference check with the company but Brennan had final say because he was going to be working with her directly on some policy stuff and so he had to like who they were hiring.

Brennan had been hearing rumors going on around about Claudia as well, and wanted to reach out to me to ask me if I'd be honest with him and tell him if they were true, and if working with Claudia was going to be a nightmare for him.

This is where my tightrope walk began. I said that I couldn't discuss any rumors relating to my sister with a potential new workplace as that would be inappropriate. I said that I refuse to give a reference on her as I've never worked with her and she is family. I said I hoped he understood.

Brennan thanked me and said he wouldn't be hiring her after my refusal. I panicked a bit, realizing I may have just cost her this job. He said it wasn't my refusal personally, but the rumors flying around were too much of a risk when he has a candidate with 90% of Claudia's abilities/experience and none of the potential drama.

Brennan said if I'd been willing to vouch for Claudia or if either of the other 2 personal contacts he had panned out to reply about her, he might have taken the leap. Everyone "declined/refused" and that was a pattern to him.

Brennan then freaked out a little that he might have said too much, so both of us were just sort of in an anxiety hoedown for a bit while awkwardly comforting the other. The end of the call was super cringey and embarrassing. I imagine it will be A WHILE before we speak again. So it appears my sister's drama has cost her a job offer.

But I now feel incredibly guilty because I could have been "the one" to stand up for her and make her get the job. I didn't. I haven't heard from my sister about it and doubt I will. Brennan was not the one to interview her or reject her (he met her on one group call) so I don't think she will even consider him (or me) as the reason for this. Thanks EVERYONE for your help in dealing with this neatly.

The internet continued to offer up their support.

lifeonthegrid wrote:

"So it appears my sister's drama has cost her a job offer. But I now feel incredibly guilty because I could have been "the one" to stand up for her and make her get the job. I didn't."

If she had blown up Brennan's workplace, you would feel guilty for that too. You seem like you're trying to make everyone happy, but there are some situations where you can't. You were placed in a not great situation and you acted appropriately.

Dogismygod wrote:

If you had "stood up for her," your friend would probably no longer consider you a friend when the drama started.

"Brennan said if I'd been willing to vouch for Claudia or if either of the other 2 personal contacts he had panned out to reply about her, he might have taken the leap. Everyone "declined/refused" and that was a pattern to him."

Basically, she burned her own bridges here. And you might very well find yourself applying for a job with Brennan or someone he knows, so declining was the right thing to do.

lotr_farin wrote:

You would have been lying if you have her a good reference. You did the right thing by refusing to go either way. It's the other rumors that cost her the job.

Alternative_Year_340 wrote:

If you gave a false positive reference, it would hurt your reputation and job prospects. Lying about Claudia’s work history wouldn’t just hurt her new employer, it would hurt you.

Claudia can find a dysfunctional employer which likes drama to hire her as a better fit. They’re out there