'AITA for not inviting my ex husband to one of the birthday parties I had for our kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for not inviting my ex husband/his family to one out of two bday parties I had for my kids?"

I have 2 children with my ex husband. My kids birthdays are literally one day apart. For birthdays I always have done one party, with two cakes/two different themes to make it more individualized for each child.

Rewind to last year, it’s birthday time. I invite friends from school, my family, my exs family, work friends of mine, etc. Important context- I invite my Ex SIL Jane (fake name), and her son Parker (also fake name). I have never met them in person as she lived multiple states away until she recently moved closer.

It was an at home birthday with rented inflatables. Everyone shows, and it started off great. Until it wasn’t. Parker started misbehaving. I’m not talking misbehaving as a normal 5yo might. He was screaming, having tantrums, not playing nicely with any of the other kids, not sharing toys/games I had put out, and hit several other kids in attendance.

He even shoved a toddler down because he wanted to go first on the inflatable slide. It was so bad just about everyone except family started leaving before we could even cut the cake. At this point I was at my limit, and kicked both Jane & Parker out. He had an immense fit, ended up grabbing a kn-fe I had on the table for the cakes, and punctured one of the inflatables putting a massive gash in it.

Jane did not offer to pay for the damages, nor did she try to apologize. It was just “oh kids act that way” “you’re being ridiculous.” My ex nor his family said anything to her, and just said they didn’t want to be involved. I ended up paying 3k in damages to the inflatable company. This year I decided to throw two parties. One as I usually did, and the other for my ex & his family.

The first party was a week before the one we originally have. I did the usual inflatables, games, photo booths, etc. Neither my ex, nor any of his family was invited so it was fair and I wasn’t excluding just Jane and Parker. Everything was great, and everyone had a wonderful time.

The next week we do the second party. My family, and my exs family are there. I had everything else as the other party at this one, excluding inflatables as I was not risking paying another few thousand if Parker’s behavior had not changed within the last year. Everything goes okay, we did have some outbursts from Parker, but no one was injured this go around so it went a lot more smooth.

It is now a couple weeks later, and I started getting blew up with text messages from my ex/his fam saying how awful I am for throwing two parties, and acting as if they were “too stupid to find out."

I ignored it at first, but the messages continued so I eventually started a group chat and just explained to each of them that I did what I did due to everything that happened last year. I’m still getting messages saying I’m being an AH, so am I really TA?

Commenters had plenty to say in response.

saltedfish wrote:

How could you be an AH here? Most people would have simply told Jane and Parker to kick rocks and never come back. The fact you threw two separate parties means you're a fucking saint.

NTA. I wouldn't let Jane or Parker step foot in my house until she paid me back for the damages her kid caused. Tell Jane the reason you threw two parties is specifically because of her poorly trained kid and you had to insulate yourself from the potential damages.

Trick_Delivery4609 wrote:

NTA for this but Y.T.A TO YOURSELF.

Why would you still invite the stabber and his mom to ANYTHING that you host?

2. You no longer have to have joint parties. If the ex wants to throw a party and invite his family, HE can.

I would reply back, "thanks for your input. You are all no longer invited to parties at my house in the future."

johnlocklives wrote:

NTA. Also, my opinion is that you throw a party for your family and your kid’s friends. If your ex and his family want to celebrate your kids birthday they can throw and pay for their own party. I would MAYBE consider inviting ex to the party you throw but otherwise, they are capable of arranging their own celebration.

Solid-Feature-7678 wrote:

There is a really simple solution that my parents used to solve your problem. You and your family throw a party for the kids and your Ex and his family through a completely different party at a different time and place.

The next day OP shared an update.

Update- thank you all. To answer some questions because I was at my original character limit I did request Jane pay the damage invoice from the inflatable company. She denied of course. When it came down to it I signed the rental contract accepting responsibility for any damages done so they would not pursue her for it.

I did consider the possibility of small claims. I didn’t follow through because I was trying to keep the peace between myself, and ex husband for the benefit of the kids. It’s been a long divorce journey, and I was honestly just so tired of arguing. I did the two parties, again, for what I thought was the benefit of the kids. They love their dad, and his family.

So I was trying to arrange a way in which they’d be able to celebrate with everyone. Even if it meant me being out of pocket for a double birthday/double cakes/etc. If I excluded Jane, and Parker I feel none of his other family would have shown. I just didn’t want that heartbreak for them. They are 5 & 6. While they knew what Parker did they didn’t know the ramifications it caused me (being out 3k).

I try to keep any adult things shielded from them, as I want them to form their own opinions regarding their father and his family on their own. With no influences of my experiences with them. I took your advice and wrote back to the group chat. I let them know that moving forward my ex/they can throw a birthday for the kids if they wish, but they’d no longer be invited to any event I had.

We could coordinate dates so we ensure they don’t fall on the same day, but that is the extent I will be going from this point forward. I guess you guys gave me some courage, because I told them they can kiss my a--. I left the chat, and blocked them all except my ex husband (due to having to have contact to coparent). Thank you all. I was second guessing myself, and even questioning my sanity at this point.

The internet had OP's back in response.

Curl8200 wrote:

Yessss! You did exactly what I was going to say to do. You don't have to deal with the drama they bring.

swillshop wrote:

Wonderful update! You are doing the great co-parenting thing of not exposing the kids to issues among the adult issues. In trying to not say anything negative about ex and his family, you were actually going so far above and beyond trying to create positive ex/his family interactions with the kiddos.

They took no responsibility for the excess cost and disruption they caused you. So now, you are leaving it to ex to do HIS job to create his family memories with the kids. He/they will do whatever they do. Your kids will continue to enjoy the family memories you create and will form their own opinions about the ones their dad chooses to create.

Aggravating-Pain9249 wrote:

As your kids grow older, you may often have two parties.

When I grew up, and when my child was younger, there was a kids party for the child and their friends. Then there is a family party for the extended family (Grandparents, cousins etc).

Raven_Maleficent wrote:

While it’s commendable that you were trying to include your ex and his family in events it’s pretty clear that will no longer be feasible moving forward. It’s also clear why your ex is your ex. You are under no obligation to do anything other than what is in your custody agreement.

Your ex has shown he can’t coparent in a healthy and he and his family are super toxic. My family would have been on our family member like white on rice if they pulled that crap your SIL did. It is not okay.

If I were you I would start documenting everything for future custody hearings. Please don’t brush this aside “to keep the peace”. Obviously you don’t trash your ex or his family to you your kids. But that doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself legally. There is a difference and your children will see it and understand it as they grow up.

Tatapapamama wrote:

So good, the first step to stop being his secretary! also review if this "for the kids sake" you are taking also his part of parenting, instead of leaving him take the initiative with his kids.