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'AITA for not inviting two of my three stepkids on a vacation my parents paid for?'

'AITA for not inviting two of my three stepkids on a vacation my parents paid for?'


Dealing with rude stepchildren can be a very stressful situation, for a lot of reasons.

"AITA for not inviting two of my three stepkids on a vacation my parents paid for?"

I have five children. Three stepkids and two biokids with my husband. My kids are 21f, 18f, 13m, 6f, and 3f. The oldest has moved out, all the others live at home with us. My two step daughters have always been clear that I am not their mother. They are polite and reasonably good kids.

But they are not my biggest fans. I did not meet their father until two years after his divorce before you ask. The second oldest is an adult now and will be attending college this fall. She is busy working. My parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary and are taking everyone to Cartagena this summer. They want everyone to come.

Neither of the oldest kids has come with us on vacation for the last couple of years. They prefer to stay with their mom. Even when we went to Orlando or Myrtle Beach. I asked my husband and he said not to bother. So I didn't. Then they found out about it from their brother and they both said I was being rude excluding them from a family vacation.

And then the oldest said something hilarious. She said she would have said no but that I was rude not to ask. Like she really wanted the opportunity to turn me down. So I invited them and they both said no. So I don't really understand what the problem was. We ended up at the exact same place. My parents would have been okay with them coming. AITA?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

okIhaveANopinionHERE wrote:

NTA - Let's start with the fact that 21yo who is not even living with you is not entitled to an invite on a family vacation; the 18yo who still lives at home may be. They are adults, that means that there are only two reasons to invite them: 1) they may want to come and 2) you want them to come. Neither applies here.

Your stepdaughters seem to be complaining that they deserved a non-vite. In most cases, a non-vite is something you do either as an insult or because you are inconviencing someone. They seem to just want to be jerks here.

Robbes_Watch wrote:

NTA, but your husband will be if he does not call his kids on their disrespectful behavior. He needs to tell them to knock it off and grow up.

RamonaDanger wrote:

NTA unless there's a reason for their dislike of you. That being said, while I realize they're adults, divorce is hard and heartbreaking for kids, even two years after the fact, so it's not surprising accepting a new person in their lives was tough.

Their birth parents should have worked together to make sure they accept new partners. I speak highly of my ex's fiance to our son so he knows it's totally ok to love her too. It's too bad that this is what it has come to. Keep being kind and trying to include them. Hopefully some day, maybe once they have more life experience and their brains have finished developing they'll appreciate it.

loverlyone wrote:

NTA in future have their father handle all communication.

They set you up and that was not cool. My mom begged me to invite her boyfriend some where I knew he didn’t want to go. So I did and he used the opportunity to tell me how he would NEVER join us on a trip. No one needs that s**t.

OkFoundation7365 wrote:

NTA. They don't deserve an invite. They are power tripping. By you not inviting them, you rejected them first- the audacity. So now that you've asked them, they have their Itty bitty power play back and have rejected you. Stop playing their dumb game. Next time, listen to your husband and whp cares if their feelings are hurt. They would only seek to ruin the trip anyway.

Mentalcomposer wrote:

NTA. You should have told them the truth- They’ve never wanted to come on vacation before, so their dad said to not even bothering extending the invitation. I’m thinking they think it was your idea to not invite, since it’s a your side of the family trip.

RazzlesnDazzles wrote:

This is literally the "Just cause I don't want to go to the party doesn't mean I don't want to be invited" situation brought to life! In all honesty that might be what's going on, not saying it's not dumb or rude, it's one thing to not want to go on a family vacation, it's another thing for family not to invite you you know what I mean?

You could try telling her "Look, I'm sorry I didn't invite you, it's not that I don't want you there if you want to come you are more than welcome to I know your dad would love it."

"We both wanted you on the trip but you've shot down vacations with us for 2 years in a row and I know you're not my biggest fan which is fine because you've always been polite to me (at least that is my understanding from you post) which I've greatly appreciated."

"We genuinely thought you would not want to come with us since it's with my side of the family and be annoyed if we asked which is why we didn't invite you, if you ever want to come on vacation with us let me know but we figured should respect your feelings."

I know your husband said not to bother but odds are if you say that to them that could either 1. make them feel like their dad is pushing them out and choosing you which isn't true or 2. They might decide you are lying to them either way it ends in drama.

Electrical_Bat_7311 wrote:

YTA - While I may have been able to give you a pass on the 21 year old, how the hell did you expect this to work with the 18 year old who is currently living at home? She found out from her brother so you told him in private? How were you planning on telling her that you and everyone was going to be on vacation for a week or two?

Would she just come home from work one day and find everyone gone? Or were you going to be openly planning your vacation and how fun it was going to be in front of her, even though she wasn't invited?

Simply put, you needed to invite the 18yo living with you. Not doing so is extremely rude, imho. Given that you should have invited the 18yo, then you should have invited the 21yo as well as to not exclude just the one person. Inviting them after they had been excluded isn't the same thing as inviting them from the beginning and you know it.

It's the thought that counts and your lack of invitation showed what you thought. I'd be similar to your step daughters as well regardless of whether I'd have accepted in the beginning or not "I'm not going as I'm obviously not wanted." Yes, they set the precedent of not going previously, but you as a step parent, have to be the bigger person. This is especially true for the girl living in the same house as you.

She isn't independent and living her own life yet and I still can't imagine how you expected that to work, going on vacation and not inviting your teenage step daughter who is living in your house. You escalated the conflict in that relationship. She has been polite to you and the polite thing to do would have been to invite her. Now I can virtually guarantee that she feels unwanted in her own house.

Sources: Reddit
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