'AITA for not involving myself with my in-law's baby loss three years running?'
"AITA for not involving myself with my in-laws baby loss three years running?"
My SIL had a still birth 3 years ago. We were so saddened & offered support. She has 3 living children before this happened. At Christmas before the one year anniversary, she opened our Christmas card. A few moments later she then picked it back up, stated that she couldn't display it unless her babies name was included and proceeded to write their name in the card.
I tried to put it to the back of my mind but honestly felt she could've taken the card home and wrote their name to save making me the example in front of the entire family. For the first anniversary, we were asked if we would come to a memorial. We all went & felt very awkward.
My sibling was stillborn and I grew up in a household that didn't talk about it. Whenever my siblings and I tried to ask questions about our stillborn sibling, our mother would shut us down. For the second anniversary, again we were asked to go along. We went (husbands brother didn't) but again, found it very awkward.
During family gatherings, she makes excessive comments & social media posts that nothing feels right without her angel baby being there. My other sister in law & I find it upsetting that she makes these comments as we cannot help that our children survived and one of hers didn't. She has three other healthy children to care for.
During a family gathering she made a comment that her living children recently asked her who her favourite was & that she had responded that her angel baby was her favourite. The room went silent. As a child who was repeatedly told with much venom, that I wouldn't have been born had my sibling survived, that broke me.
So anniversary three rolled around recently. Again, we were asked to attend a memorial (although this time she called it a birthday which struck me as odd) but we felt it was too much for us to go through again after attending the first two.
We decided not to go but I chose to light a candle and wore my angel wings brooch for the week before and week after the passing date as a tribute. We've now received a message from MIL to state my SIL is very upset with us all as we didn't "make the effort" & we should apologise.
Whilst I appreciate she's still grieving, she's able to do that in her own way & if others choose to grieve differently then that's ok too. I don't believe you can dictate to others how to grieve nor can you have a monopoly on grief. Everyone is different & I respect that she wants to do a grand gesture each year but she needs to accept that not everyone wants to or feels comfortable being a part of it.
I feel like it's not my direct loss to carry on grieving so openly. Yes, I feel sad as it's a loss of life but at what point do we stop mentioning it all the time? AITA for not involving myself in my in-laws baby loss three years running?
Note: I've never lost a baby myself but am the sibling of a stillborn baby.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
BookWormsFTW wrote:
I will go against the grain here and say ESH. Her more than the rest of you but all of you are not handling this well. Your SIL is grieving in a very unhealthy way, especially the treatment of her other children is abhorrent, and she needs help to get things under control before she does more damage to her living children.
You however seem to think she need to hide her grief. The way your family handled your sibling's death was just as deeply unhealthy as what your SIL is doing. You keep on feeling "uncomfortable" with her displays of grief, not just now but from the start.
Yes, her behaviour now is, as noted, unhealthy, but she has also done things that are perfectly natural for a mother who lost a child, like talking about her baby or posting occasionally on SM about it. I may be misunderstanding and you were ok with it at first and have only recently become uncomfortable with it but it sounds from your text you felt this way from the start, which is an AH move.
She lost her child, had to birth a dead baby, she will carry that grief for the rest of her life. No, you do not need to go to a memorial after three years, but you also do not have to act like she should be over it by now or not talk about it anymore. And finally, the whole family are AHs for not getting this woman help! Has anyone suggested grief counseling?
Has anyone had a gentle but honest conversation with her about her needing help, not to get over her grief but to be a healthy mother to her living children? Y'all are either full on enabling it (MIL) or being cowards about it (you, your spouse and the other siblings). Find a way to talk to her, talk to her partner, get her help. For her own sake, and for her kids.
me_not_at_work wrote:
NTA. Your SIL needs some serious help. The loss of a child in this way is extremely sad (I know first hand) and grieving is part of that. But three years? That is not healthy and is clearly damaging her other children and probably her marriage.
The rest of the family either doesn't see this as a problem (and they need help too) or is simply enabling her problem by going along to avoid dealing with it, but everyone needs to sit your SIL down and get her to seek the help she clearly needs.
Exciting-Peanut-1526 wrote:
NTA. Your SIL needs therapy, this loss is consuming her. She can grieve how ever and for how long she needs, but the damage she’s doing to the kids who are living is inexcusable.
JulesSherlock wrote:
I believe I was around 8 when I learned I had a brother that had passed 8 hours after being born. It happened 2 years before I was born. I was snooping in some picture boxes and came across a baby bracelet and memorial leaflet. I just couldn’t believe the pain my mom must have went through and the courage it took to have me. Your SIL definitely needs professional help and you’re NTA.