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'AITA for not knowing about my SIL's allergy? My husband freaked out in front of his family.' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for not knowing about my SIL's allergy? My husband freaked out in front of his family.' UPDATED 2X

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When someone shows you who they are, listen to them.

"AITA for not knowing about my SIL's allergy and my husband's reaction in front of his family?"

My husband 36M and I 30F have been married for 6 years. We have two kids (4F/2M). I'm a SAHM now. We didn't discuss this before marriage but when I gave birth to our daughter I just couldn't manage working. Taking care of our daughter. and doing all the house chores. There were times when I needed help at home but I felt like I couldn't ask for help because I wasn't bringing in any money.

It was also very difficult for me to be financially dependent on my husband. I never asked for anything for "me" because he sometimes voiced how he felt a lot of pressure as the sole provider. Fast forward to 3 days ago. His younger sister lives in another country and comes to town once or twice a year. Last week she told him she would visit. My husband and I invited the family for dinner.

We were all having a good time when my SIL started coughing and had trouble breathing. It was then I knew she was horribly allergic to peanuts (I later knew that she had gone into an*phylactic shock a few times before). We all rushed to her side to help. I then got sl*pped on the face from behind (not so hard but it did sting) I was facing away from my husband so I didn't see it coming.

I tried to explain that no one told me before (I had only seen her a few times after the wedding and never cooked for her). He was yelling at me the whole time I was trying to explain myself. When I told him that he knew I would be doing all the cooking for tonight then why didn't think of telling me about it. He pushed me down the couch and smacked me on the arms/back and the back of my head.

His family rushed to us and stopped him. They checked if I was okay for a minute then went back to my SIL's side. His older brother stayed by my side to ensure I was okay and to see if I needed anything. After a few minutes my husband came back to the living room and acted like nothing happened. My BIL asked him if he had told me about their sister's allergy before and he didn't answer.

I told him I never knew about it until now. My in-laws checked on me one more time and then excused themselves. Only his older brother stayed with us. He asked me if it was the first time my husband laid his hands on me. I couldn't answer with my husband sitting across from us. He suggested we take time to process and think about what just happened. I left that night with my BIL and took my kids with me.

I'm still with him and his wife (my family lives in another country). both my BIL and his wife suggest I stay until my husband realizes what he really did. My husband did apologize but said he panicked and was scared for his little sister (they are very close and growing up he was like a father to her).

He kept repeating that if I cared enough about his family I would have asked him if anyone has any allergies since I was the one cooking for the night and he blamed me for his brother's reaction.

I don't know where to go from here. I have no relatives in here to stay with until I sort everything out. I only have one friend and can't stay with her. I grew up in a house where being grabbed by the face or arm was normal.

But what happened that night was a little too much. I want my kids and I don't want to lose them over my decision. My husband suggested couples therapy yesterday. I'm thinking about getting a divorce or should I just let it slide and start therapy? I really have to think about it all because I know my family won't support me with my decision and I will be on my own.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

Edit: My sister in law is okay. She's not angry with me for what happened. She even texted twice to check on me and the kids and apologized for not mentioning her allergy before (his family has always been good to me).

The internet shared words of support.

DisillusionedCat wrote:

Well, definitely NTA. But this worries me:

"He asked me if it was the first time my husband laid his hands on me. I couldn't answer with my husband sitting across from us."

So this wasn't the first time, was it? Please consider if you can ever feel safe with your husband before you think about couples therapy or anything else. I'm sorry this happened to you and wish you a lot of strength, OP.

OP responded:

Thank you. It wasn't but he never slapped me before.

Aggravating_Style544 wrote:

That means he is escalating. It will only get worse. He has isolated you from work and friends by making it impossible for you to leave the house. Are your BIL and SIL able to help you find a safe way out?

Good_Focus2665 wrote:

NTA. The fact that BIL is taking your side should tell you that you need to leave your husband. You will need to start preparing for single life. He was ab#sive before by putting so much pressure on you that you had to quit your job. He has slowly been escalating it and now it’s come to this. It’s not going to get better. You need to be strategic if you want to leave.

OP responded:

I think I will just agree to couples therapy as a delay tactic until I get a job and try to plan my exit. I can't survive financially right now. Thank you 🙏🏻

trixxievon wrote:

Never take ab#sers to therapy. They only get better at hiding it because therapy teaches them how.

OP responded:

I know but I need time. Right now I can't even support myself financially let alone two kids.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I was hesitant about posting first but I decided to give as many details as possible and put myself out there to get outside insight and to make sure if I'm to blame for what happened to my SIL.

Up until my post got a few comments I was still sure it was somehow my fault but I'm glad I posted about it here. 🙏🏻

Most of you suggested I stay with my brother in law. I couldn't bring myself to ask him for help (if I can stay with them until I sort everything out).

Last night he asked me if it's okay to talk about it now. I told him some things because I couldn't lay it all out. I told him that it wasn't the first time and nothing was new to me that night except for the slap. I asked him if he can help me find a safe way out because I'm scared to go back and need help looking up for resources.

Both him and his wife assured me that my kids and I are more than welcome to stay with them until I get back on my feet. They made it clear that they're willing to help us in any way possible. BIL said I have the right to decide what to do about it that he could even drive me to report my husband if that's what I want but just don't get him involved. I get it.

I thanked them for everything and promised them to try and find a job asap. He also mentioned that my MIL offered to pay 3 months' rent and childcare if I’m planning to leave but he thinks it’s better for me to stay with them for now and promised he will make sure my MIL follows through once I find a job because it will be more helpful then since it will be hard taking care of the kids and working.

He told me to never feel like I owe them something because I would've done the same for them (I met my husband through my BIL when I worked with him for 6 month) and that he doesn't want my children to grow up wondering why no one loved them enough to step up and help their mother.

Or end up ab#sed or being ab#sers in the future. His words made wonder If he referred to his own brother as an ab#ser then why am I still trying to look for ways to justify it or accept the blame. Although I'm not planning to get the police involved but my BIL's wife is helping me document everything.

She took pictures of the marks the moment we made it to their house. She's also helping me get him to admit to everything that happened that night and before. to this moment I have two texts and one recorded call (along with other pictures I took before). I don't know why I ever took them because I never planned on doing anything.

She said even if I'm not planning to press charges now I could document everything just in case for later and citing safety would be enough reason for my delay.

As for my family I called my parents this morning and they weren't happy with what I told them.

It's nothing I didn't expect. I knew they would not take a divorced daughter with two kids in. My cousin called me later and was so sad to hear about my situation and promised to send me some money to help. I'm not gonna lie. I never asked for help before but when she offered I found myself ready to accept. I really want to make things work for my kids.

I don't want to lose them. By the way both my BIL and his wife on top of letting me stay with them without any financial contribution. They do things. if I cook my BIL or his wife do the dishes (they both work and share the chores) yesterday I only did the laundry and some cleaning around the house and they insisted I do nothing for dinner. While I'm glad to have some time to rest throughout the day.

I can't shake the feeling that I should do more since I'm not paying for anything. I also want to mention that I'm planning to see a lawyer this week to understand my options and start the divorce process. I'm hoping this will help me take the right steps to ensure the safety and well being of my kids. I'm also planning to start looking for a job this week but I need to get my documents first.

I'm beyond thankful for everything my in laws doing for me but I'm still scared and I don't know what I'm even scared of precisely now that I decided I won't go back to him. But yesterday I couldn't close my eyes and get some sleep. Whenever I close them I imagine my kids getting hurt. And if I'm being honest I still feel like at some point I will mess everything up but I hope I don't.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and all the advice you gave me 🙏🏻

Edit: I'm sorry I just realized I've been referring to him as "my husband" instead of "soon to be ex-husband" I'm still adjusting.

The internet was glad to hear the update.

cthulularoo wrote:

Document and report! He h*t you twice! After you explained. The guy will absolutely b#$t the c*p out of you in the future. Listen to your BIL. Good luck.

canyonemoon wrote:

I'm so glad you're out of there, that you're free from him. He was absolutely going to step up the ab#se now that he'd felt comfortable enough to slap you in front of people; he just hadn't counted on the people around you to rally around you rather than support him.

Also I'm sorry if I missed it, but I really think that you should, alongside starting working with a lawyer, seek out therapy and therapists specialising in d*mestic v**lence. You carry a lot of shame and guilt in your words that do not belong to you; you've done nothing wrong, you deserve help, you deserve to be protected, you deserve what your BIL and his family is doing for you.

You deserve it. It's probably a really overwhelming realisation when you've been so used to ab#se. I really think you would benefit from therapy, and maybe your children as well.

OMGoblin wrote:

Yeah talk to a lawyer, because child support and alimony are meant for cases like this. IDK why you are so afraid of losing your kids, it's not going to happen. He's responsible for you and the kids, even if you divorce (until you get on your feet enough to be financially independent).

This is assuming a country with decent marriage laws like most of the US has. Anyways, you seem fine with being ab#sed, but think of your children and grow a spine for them.

OP responded:

I'm not. Maybe it took me 3 years to realize it but I know better now and trying my best to ensure my kids safety and well being.

TheLastWord63 wrote:

The fact that the whole family on his side is showing you sympathy and checking on you just tells that you're not his first victim. They seem to know how he is. His mother, brother, and sister all are worried for you and the kids. They're not trying to get you to go back to him at all. They're trying to help keep you safe and get you away. Please always remember that.

Sources: Reddit
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