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'AITA for not letting my daughter go to her cheer competition and grounding her for four months?'

'AITA for not letting my daughter go to her cheer competition and grounding her for four months?'

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"AITA for not letting my daughter go to her cheer competition and grounding her for four months?"

I (42F) attend church regularly and have a 15-year-old daughter named Abby. Abby is part of the church’s youth group, and I sometimes volunteer as a youth leader. There’s a girl in the group named Zoey (16F) who lives with her grandparents. During one session, we were taking turns reading from the Bible. Each time it was Zoey’ turn, she asked to skip.

Initially, I let her skip because I thought she might have anxiety. However, after the fifth time she asked to skip, I told her we couldn’t keep skipping her turn. When she started reading, it became clear she struggled significantly, mispronouncing many words. Later, I learned that Zoey only learned how to read around age 12, so she’s still working on her literacy skills.

Halfway through, I told Zoey she didn’t have to continue reading.

Later, I found out that Abby had been making fun of Zoey for her reading difficulties. She would sarcastically ask Zoey to read things, like words on posters, and would exaggerate stumbling over words when reading aloud to mock her.

I didn’t know this was happening until one day, I walked into the kitchen and found Zoey crying on her grandmother’s lap, explaining what Abby had been saying to her. Zoey then told me everything, and I promised I would handle it. When Abby and I got home, I asked her about it. She admitted to making the comments but dismissed them as harmless and “not a big deal.”

Abby is on her school’s cheerleading team and had a competition coming up, so I told her, "If it’s not a big deal, then it won’t be a big deal for you to miss the competition this weekend." Abby froze and started pleading with me, saying, "You have to let me go! It’s different—what I did wasn’t a big deal. Everyone is counting on me. Don’t do this to me!"

I told her, "If it wasn’t a big deal, then you’ll explain to your team why you’re not going. Tomorrow, you’ll also apologize to Zoey in front of the group and write her a note to express your regret." Abby started pleading with me, asking me not to make her do it. She screamed at me, "Mom, you’re being a f--king AH!" I replied, "You just earned yourself a grounding on top of this."

She stormed into her room, slammed the door, and punched a hole in the wall. At that point, I decided to ground her for four months. I later spoke to Zoey’s grandmother to explain the situation and how I handled it. She agreed that the consequences I gave Abby were appropriate and would help her understand the impact of her actions.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Shot-Artichoke-4166 wrote:

NTA, but in addition to punishment, your daughter needs to develop some empathy, anger management, and coping techniques. I don't think a 4 month grounding is going to accomplish that. Also, that seems like a 4 month grounding is unrealistic, so you will likely let her off the hook early after she's learned nothing.

It seems to me that a shorter duration grounding combined with somethings to help her become a better person might be in order. Maybe something where she can earn her privileges back. Education and understanding about learning disabilities and the impact of her terrible behavior.

Discussions about what she's learned. Perhaps some volunteering. Apologies all around, of course. And fixing the wall. And I agree with the others that Zoey's grandmother's opinion about your approach is not relevant. This is your daughter who behaved badly and it is your responsibility to help her become a better person.

slight-book-2296 wrote:

NTA. What Abby did was pretty cruel, and grounding her seems like a solid way to show her the consequences of her actions. It was a harsh move, but honestly, it seems like she needs it.

Disastrous_Pan_2015 wrote:

As a person who was b-llied by a fellow peer, don’t have her do a public apology, for me a teacher made that happen during class and not only did it mortify me but it also brought attention to the issue and created more b-llies towards me.

Other than that I think it’s a fair punishment and she needs to learn that actions have consequences, I know a lot of teams have a code of conduct towards their players so maybe discuss with her coach about it as well..

crippled_cryptid wrote:

ESH. Your daughter is TA for obvious reasons. Zoe isn't the asshole at all. I agree fully with your punishment for your daughter. The only small 'Y T A' aspect for you, is for insisting that Zoe read aloud, after making it clear she was uncomfortable doing so. You saying something like 'we can't keep skipping our turn' is something I'd expect a parent to say to a toddler, not a teenager.

It's patronising and unnecessary. You already knew that she might have issues that make her very afraid of reading aloud (you said you thought she might have anxiety or something).

So why keep insisting, despite acknowledging that there may be a reason for her hesitation? If it's really a big deal that 1 person doesn't read aloud (which I don't think that is a big deal but that's just me) then you should have waited til the session was over and talked to Zoe privately about if she has any personal issues that are why she's afraid to read aloud.

Instead of you singling her out in front of everyone in the group. Also, small Y T A because I feel like there must have been signs that your daughter is a bully. I can't imagine that this is suddenly the first and only instance of behaviour like this from her. You should be very concerned about if she was raised to act like this, or if this is a new behaviour.

And if it's new, you should be much more concerned, and put in some serious effort to find out why she's suddenly a huge b-lly and change that behaviour before it becomes ingrained in her forever. You don't seem to be concerned enough about how your daughter came to think it's okay to be bully so casually like that.

Equal-Brilliance-2640 wrote:

If I had called my mother a f--king AH and punched a hole through the drywall…

Well I wouldn’t be alive to type this, or I’d be in a wheelchair using voice to text. The reality is, your daughter is a b-lly, and I’d bet you $5 Zoey isn’t her first victim.

You need to get to the root of the issue here, therapy is a good start, and make sure you let her coach know why she won’t be at the competition and that shes been grounded for four months. And for the love of god, DO NOT make her publicly apologize to Zoey. It’ll just make things worse for Zoey and your daughter will just resent her and you more.

Not to mention other kids might start to b-lly her too. ETA there was a nasty comment directed towards me (they also PM’ed me in an attempt to harass me further 🙄). Nothing in my post said or implied that I think OP should do what my parents would have done to me, or what many other readers parents would have probably done.

But in case it’s isn’t clear, I DO NOT CONDONE VI-LENCE AGAINST CHILDREN (outside of a few specific situations. Because there are exceptions to every rule).

But it’s clear some folks lack basic reading comprehension skills. So I figured I should lay it out explicitly.

Sources: Reddit
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