'AITA for not letting my ex-DIL and her kid to vacation at our house?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not letting my ex DIL and her kid to vacation at our house?"

I’m 68 years old and have three kids with my wife (65). My oldest son lives across the country. He and his wife, Jennifer, got separated (never divorced) 8 years ago. They have three kids ( 2 teens and a 4th grader). They are still best friends which great for the kids. Since separation, she had another baby from a very brief relationship. Jennifer’s youngest kid is 3.5.

My son met a lady in our hometown and has been dating her long distance for years. Every time he comes to see her, he stays at our place. We love having him so it’s not a problem. Sometimes he comes with his kids so we get to see our grandkids. Today, he told me this summer he is coming with the kids, his ex-wife, Jennifer and her kid and they will be staying at our place.

I reminded him that his mom has terminal cancer and we really can’t host another adult and a young baby! I suggested booking an airbnb but he got upset. I asked why exactly he is bringing Jennifer and her kid to this trip (and paying for them)? He said because she helps with the kids. I reminded him again that we love Jennifer but her kid is not really well behaved and his mom needs to rest.

My son thinks I am an AH for saying no and my wife thinks we will be ok and it just two weeks.

PS: We live in Ontario, Canada My son and Jennifer live in British Columbia, which is a five hour flight from us . My son’s gf lives in the same city as us. We are civil with Jennifer. We call for her birthday. We send gifts for her and her kid every Christmas.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: First off, yes my son pays alimony and child support and even still pays for Jennifer’s rent. His finances are non of my business. They decided not to formally get divorced. I have no idea why because I guess I’m too old.

Second, son believes Airbnb would be a waste of money because Jennifer an the kids would be out all day sightseeing. My fear is the baby gets sick and we are stuck with a screaming sick toddler for two weeks. I will call Jennifer myself tonight.

The comments came flowing in.

boredathome1962 wrote:

Hmm...your wife may well want to see her grandchildren, she won't have many visits left. So check with her before you make any decisions. With son, new gf, 3 teens it'll be busy, will it actually be much busier with ex wife and her infant?

Your wife may well have had a good relationship with Jennifer, and might like to see her, maybe for the last time. In the end OP, it's all down to your wife. I am really sorry you are all going through this.

OP responded:

Usually he spends all his time with his girlfriend and my wife and I take care of the three kids . My wife doesn’t wanna be rude so she thinks we should just bite our tongues

nylonvest wrote:

Is your son being pushy and a bit presumptive? Sure, I guess. But if your wife says this is going to be okay, why don't you just let HER make the decision? She has terminal cancer dude, she is probably thinking that having the visit is way more important than whether the toddler is a bit annoying.

OP responded:

Because I prefer her to be comfortable considering mess stress her out! Jennifer’s kid trashes the place and Jennifer never says no to her! My wife is being the kind hearted selfless person she has always been!

New_Combination_7012 wrote:

Sounds like your son is hiding the true nature of his relationship with Jennifer from you. Teen's and a 9 year old need little assistance from parents (ours are a similar age). He's bringing her because he wants her to come.

Additionally, I'm not sure how much time you've spent with the 3.5yo, but you have very fixed views on her and how she is being raised. Have you actually spent enough time around her to hold such fixed views?

OP responded:

We only met her once. Honestly we have no hard feelings against her. It just the idea of hosting another adult and toddler for two weeks is too much for us.

Two days later, OP shared another update.

I called Jennifer and explained the situation. I asked if they all can stay at an Airbnb so we don’t have to worry about hosting. She just said fine and l thought the problem was resolved. An hour later my son called screaming at me.

Jennifer called him after my phone call and cried because she hadn’t been on a vacation in years and I ruined it by suggesting Airbnb (she planned to call my wife directly because she felt unwelcome). He said at Airbnb she still has to cook and clean up after the kids so it wouldn’t be a vacation. I told him my goal is right now for his mom not be stressed out.

I made him promise not to transfer any of this drama to her in return I pay for their hotel instead of Airbnb . I’m beyond disappointed at my son and Jennifer. I’m so mentally drained . I have no energy to fight anyone. I just want my wife to be happy.

The internet was quick to respond.

90skid12 wrote:

Your son and Jennifer deserve each other ! Major selfish AH! You are a great husband.

Katana1369 wrote:

They're both incredibly selfish people. NTA and honestly I wouldn't pay for anything. Your wife has freaking cancer and your son doesn't seem to give a s**t.

Separate_Kick3186 wrote:

This might be your wife's last summer, your selfish son and family will likely bring drama. I would say uninvite them and spend the last days with your wife in peace. You will not get this time back and if there is drama you will have to live with the guilt.

Broad-Discipline2360 wrote:

I'd be so sad if my kids behaved that selfishly towards my spouse (their parent)

They were counting on you being their servants. So distasteful. ESPECIALLY with a parent who is struggling with their health.

I guess paying those mooches for their hotel so that you can see the grandkids is a reasonable compromise. They are going to try to guilt you into taking care of the 3.5 year old, you know that right? Jennifer hasn't had a vAcATiOn in years eyeroll (imo kinda the price of being a parent for most people).

Murky_Tale-1603 wrote:

The whole “poor Jennifer and her lack of vacation” bit is what sent me over the edge, I’m surprised OP didn’t lose their s*#t. This person was expecting to be catered to, by a woman with cancer. And is boo hooing over her vacay. STFU Jennifer, and the son too for enabling her disgusting behavior and screaming when he didn’t get his way. Poor baby.

OP did the right thing, there's no question about that.