'AITA for not letting my friend use my apartment as a 'crash pad' whenever she’s in town?'

"AITA for not letting my friend use my apartment as a "crash pad" whenever she’s in town?"

I (25F) live in a major city where a lot of my friends from college often visit for work or vacations. One of my close friends, "Emily" (26F), lives in a different state but frequently travels to my city for business. Whenever she’s here, she asks to stay at my apartment, and for the most part, I’ve been happy to let her crash with me to save on hotel costs.

However, lately, it’s become a bit overwhelming. Emily visits at least once a month, and she usually stays for 4-5 days at a time. When she’s here, she treats my place like a hotel—she comes and goes as she pleases, doesn’t really help with cleaning up, and expects me to be around to hang out when she’s free, even though I have my own life and responsibilities.

Last month, I gently told Emily that while I love seeing her, I need some more space and suggested that she consider staying at a hotel or splitting her visits between my place and other friends. She didn’t take it well. She accused me of not being a good friend and said that since I live alone and have the space, it shouldn’t be a big deal to let her stay.

I tried to explain that it’s not about space, but about feeling like my home isn’t my own when she’s here so often. Now, she’s barely speaking to me, and some mutual friends think I’m being unreasonable for not wanting to help her out.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Worth-Season3645 wrote:

NTA…why can’t she stay with all these other friends that think you are being unreasonable? If she is traveling for business, would she even have to pay for a hotel? Wouldn’t business expenses cover that? How does she get to travel so often and for so long?

Does she even contribute food? A true friend would not treat your place like a hotel. They would contribute. They would clean up after themselves. They would not expect you to be at their beck and call every time they visit. She is a mooch.

Trania86 wrote:

NTA. Have you considered that your friend might be pocketing the money her employer gives her for expenses (hotel, food, etc.) while on a business trip? If she gets a fixed sum instead of a reimbursement of actual costs this might be why she is so eager to stay at your place.

Also, you are not a doormat and your private house is not a hotel. Don't let people b-lly you. If your mutual friends think you are unreasonable, they can host Emily themselves.

MercuryRising92 wrote:

NTA - when I traveled for business and stayed with family instead of at a hotel, I still received an amount of money each day to offset the cost of lodging (not as much as a hotel, but probably $50 a night at today's rate). And money for meals. I take it your friend has not mentioned this or shared it with you. So she may be recieving $$$$ for her stays and doesn't want to give up that tax free income.

DeepValleyDrive wrote:

NTA. If she's staying with you 4-5 days a month consistently, that means out of a year, she's staying at your place 15% of the time. If you paid $1,500 a month in rent (which is either really low if you're in a high cost of living city or quite high if it's lower), she's basically putting you out $1,450 a year in shared rent (not including utilities or other fees) from her time staying with you.

Hosting friends on visits is one thing, but treating you like a "whenever I feel like it" roommate with a high degree of consistency, while also expecting full guest treatment, is a very different story. At the very least, you need to come up with some kind of agreement for how these visits are structured and she should contribute if it's a recurring deal like it seems.

Snowball_in_heck wrote:

NTA If she's traveling for business, the business should be paying for her lodging. I'm cynical, but what if they are paying her and she's pocketing the $$$? My lodging budget, back when I had to travel, was $200/night and $100 per diem for meals. I could see why she'd take it hard if she's grown used to an extra few hundred or more every time she imposes on you.

OK_You_17 wrote:

NTA. You’ve been accommodating and generous by letting Emily stay frequently, but it’s reasonable to set boundaries for your own well-being. It’s important for your home to feel like your own space, and asking for some space and suggesting alternative accommodations is a valid request.

Emily's reaction indicates she might not fully appreciate your perspective, but that doesn’t mean you're in the wrong for needing to establish limits.

fallingintopolkadots wrote:

NTA. She's been taking advantage of your kindness. She should have most certainly been cleaning up after herself, perhaps taking you out a time or two, and making sure she's not getting in your way.

She's being a bad friend and a terrible house guest.

Having firm boundaries (and learning to say a firm no) is very helpful when you live in a city people looooovvvveeee to visit and always will hope to crash at your place.

Clean_Factor9673 wrote:

NTA. If she's traveling on business, her employer should provide her a hotel. If it's her business and she can't afford a hotel she's underfunded and not your problem.

BlackFlash3003 wrote:

NTA. You don't owe her free accommodation when she feels like popping b . 4-5 days a month is a lot to have someone over that doesn't do anything around the house. I get wanting to stay with you, but she should pull the weight around the house, cook you dinner as a sign of appreciation, clean up after herself. You did the right thing and honestly you could've done this sooner.

OP responded:

You're right I should have done it a lot sooner.