I (25F) am child-free so maybe there is some aspect of parenthood that I’m missing here. My friend Stacy (26F) had her first baby about 9 months ago, Hailey. Stacy and I had some tension brewing in our friendship since she was pregnant. In the past, my time and energy had been very much available to Stacy.
At times I felt that she took advantage of my empathy and willingness to bend over backwards for her. She lived about an hour away, and was always in some form of drama or crisis.
I drove up to be with her nearly every single weekend, and the times when I told her I couldn’t for one reason or another, she would beg and usually guilt me with things like “I’m in such a dark place, I don’t know what I’ll do if I’m alone, I really need this”.
She also did a lot of passive-aggressive shutting down from conversation when she didn’t get what she wanted, leading me to always give in and put my own needs aside. This went on for years. I grew tired of this pattern and started therapy, where I learned to set healthy boundaries, speak up, and prioritize myself when it was important.
These changes led me to cut the weekends I spent with her in half. I was in the process of buying a house, starting a new job and masters program, on top of family issues. I knew that she saw the change in our friendship and wasn’t happy about it, but thought that with time she would understand and adjust.
She never did, and insinuated that I changed because I didn’t support her pregnancy or because my partner was manipulating me into not spending time with her. I explained to her many times that this wasn’t the case and that I am doing all I can to be there for her. Things came to a head when I had a health scare. I told her about it, and the next day she tried to call me.
I was on the phone with someone else and couldn’t answer, but texted her immediately after to let her know and make sure that everything was okay. She once again got upset because I didn’t answer right away, and I had had it. On the very rare occasion that I ask for support from her she had to make it about herself. I didn’t usually call her out but this time I did.
I told her I didn’t understand why she had an attitude, she said “thanks for making me cry” and then didn’t respond to me for over a month. Then, when she finally did, she didn’t ask about my health. She didn’t apologize or even bother explaining.
She instead accused me of using her daughter as a pawn by not acknowledging her. She said that Hailey didn’t deserve absolutely no effort just because her and I were in a fight, and that it was so messed up that I would add Hailey into the equation.
I’m so confused. Hailey had nothing to do with the fight, and Stacy was the one who had ignored me for over a month. What was I supposed to do in this scenario? I can’t text a 9 month old or just show up at their house. I’m genuinely lost, can someone please explain this to me? AITA?
Kindadhesive wrote:
Girl, take a step back and look at what is happening. NTA. She is NOT YOUR FRIEND. She's using you. You are a means to an end for her, a way to make herself feel better.
You're confused because this is complete BS. Shes manipulating you with her daughter.
This is ab-se 101. They make you question reality with their absurd expectations and demands, acting like they're so obvious when they're actually insane. Obviously her 9mo infant has NOTHING to do with her ignoring you, altho she's trying to rewrite history now. The way ab-sive people work is they don't have a moral compass or integrity. Whatever absurd reasons justify their emotions will work.
They don't live in reality; they constantly bend things to justify their perpetual victimhood and how you will always, always owe them. She isn't going to change or adjust. Your relationship is built off you meeting her needs; there is no compromise because she's a shitty person to begin with. She will never reciprocate, let alone treat you with dignity and respect.
ThinkingInfestation wrote:
NTA - Stacy's behaviour reminds me of my own, back before I started taking the therapy for my personality disorder seriously, and that kind of thing is NOT something you can make rational sense of. Keep enforcing your boundaries.
Edit to add: this is also NOT YOUR KID, and you have zero responsibility to it. You are not a second parent, you are just the parent's friend. Don't let her make you something you're not.
Motor_Dark6406 wrote:
NTA, Bail on this friendship. This is about controlling you and making sure you keep bending to her whims. She doesn't care about outside of the attention you give her. My regrets to poor Hayley who is going to have a rough go growing up with such a self involved mom. She didn't miss a beat using that kid to try and guilt you into apologizing.
Mumtaz2004 wrote:
No, NTA. Stacy is a manipulative, high maintenance, narcissistic, pain in the butt, draining, leech. Nothing you do will ever be enough or right. Nothing. You are right to focus on yourself! She has proven that she certainly never will do so. Let that “friendship” d-e a natural d-ath and focus on the relationships that are mutually beneficial, school, your family, home etc.
introspectiveliar wrote:
NTA. Her old manipulative tricks don’t work anymore, so she is trying new ones. You do know don’t you that most friendships, even healthy ones end over time? People just grow apart, move in different directions or in this case, one friend finally gets fed up with the other’s behavior. You don’t owe her anything, so walk away completely and avoid her entirely.
Retsuko666 wrote:
NTA. She's weaponizing her daughter to make you feel guilty, since the guilt trip over her suffering isn't working anymore. I've been there. I had a Stacy in my life. And then, I decided I didn't want it anymore. It was hard, it was difficult. We even tried to connect again, and yet again she proved that I had made the right decision back then. Prioritize yourself.