'AITA for not making any efforts to get my kids to like my mother's boyfriend?'
"AITA for not making any efforts to get my kids to like my mother's boyfriend?"
My (36M) father passed away when I was 20, and my mother didn’t cope well. She got better with time, but she didn’t attempt to pursue another relationship until 15 years later. She has been dating “Jim” for two years.
I don’t hate Jim, but I don’t like him either. He drinks a lot (my mother has had to cancel on us several times because he was drunk), has made several offensive jokes to my brother (43M) that I didn’t appreciate, and is overall a pretty unpleasant person to be around.
Still, he seems to genuinely love my mother and makes her happy, so my brother and I don’t interfere. One problem I do have with the relationship is that my mother has been trying to get my children (9M and 5F) to form a “grandparent bond” with Jim.
He’s also been trying to take on a grandfather role, which neither me nor my wife (34F) want for the kids. They don’t try to push boundaries too much, but we’ve had some minor arguments in the past. Anyway, my daughter had her first ever dance recital last December. There was a limit of four guests per child.
The kids usually ask us to invite one of their grandparents to events like this, but my mother was out of town (I didn’t even ask her) and my in-laws were busy. Instead, my daughter invited my brother to join me, my wife and our son. My mother and Jim came to visit us during the weekend, and she saw pictures from the recital for the first time in a photo album.
She asked why my brother was there and not her, and I reminded her she was traveling at the time. She said, “Well, Jim was in town.” I’ll be honest, we didn’t even think of inviting Jim back in December, and neither did my kids. I told my mother that it was my daughter who chose to invite her uncle, and we respected that.
Then Jim turned to my daughter and told her that she could invite him next time grandma wasn’t around. My wife chimed in and said she could invite whoever she wanted. After they left, my mother called me. She said she was upset that we weren’t making any efforts to welcome Jim into the family, and we were depriving our children of a wonderful grandfather.
I told her that we would never force our children to like him or spend time with him if they didn't want to, and that wasn't up for discussion. We ended up having an argument over this before I hung up on her. I spoke with a few family members yesterday who think I'm being too harsh on Jim. So AITA?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Imaginary-College-38 wrote:
NTA I hate hate HATE when adults try to force kids into having any sort of relationship with other adults. LEAVE THE KIDS ALONE. This is how you foster resentful feelings in children and teach them that their feelings and decisions don’t matter.
LeaJadis wrote:
NTAH, honestly I’d be more blunt with your mom and stop telling her it was your daughter’s choice. Tell your mom that you can’t trust an alcoholic and you only put up with him because of your mom. If she’s not around to wrangle him then he’s not invited. Period. You don’t trust him around the kids.
StacyB125 wrote:
NTA. If the man is so irresponsible that he prioritizes drinking to the point where plans made in advance have to be canceled, then why on earth would anyone think sane and safe parents would encourage a relationship with him? I’m a daughter of a man who could do nothing or go nowhere unless he carried a cooler full of beer with him. He’d sneak out of science fairs to drink at the car- if he came at all.
Softball games ended with him being dr#nk and aggressive with coaches, umps, and other parents. My friends were often not allowed back at my house a second time after they reported my father’s behavior to their parents. If I were you, I’d tell your mother exactly that. “We will absolutely not be encouraging our children to spend time with a man who clearly has a drinking problem."
"We will not be building a grandparent relationship with a man who cannot be trusted with the safety of our children. Full stop.” If she makes the decision to continue justifying his behavior or forcing the issue, you’ll need to create some space and see her less often.
OrnerySnoflake wrote:
NTA This was your daughter’s dance recital and it was her’s to decide who to invite. You showed excellent parenting here in allowing her to make mature decisions and backing her decisions. You showed her that not only is she capable of making mature decisions, you have her back.
This was a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with your mother or Jim. They immaturity inserted themselves into your daughter’s decision in a childish attempt to manipulate her into regretting her decision and making her feel like the “bad guy”. You again showed stellar parenting by continuing to back up your daughter and by respecting her autonomy.
Your mother sounds like she was a different person before she met Jim. You write almost fondly of her prior to dating Jim. For her sake I hope she hasn’t disregarded your or your brother’s opinion of her in place of Jim’s acceptance of her. As for you and your immediate family, you sound like you have your priorities in check.
mama2babas wrote:
NTA. You don't know this person well. Your children haven't formed an organic bond and forcing that is not reasonable, especially when you have reservations yourself. He's unpleasant and unreliable. He should focus on your mother rather than focusing on getting more access or fulfillment from your children.
Your mother has to base herself in reality and not try to force relationships with him on everyone just because she chose him. I had a step-grandma I knew my whole life and had no idea she could be considered a grandmother.
My grandpa left my grandma for her and she was very shrill and unpleasant. I did not gain anything from a relationship with her and when my grandfather passed, she stole a lot of what he left to my aunts and uncles and gave things to her children. After their 30 year marriage, no one in my family speaks to her.