'AITA for not making my fiance a 'list' of things to do for our daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for not making my fiance a 'list' of things to do for our daughter?"

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible I 24F and my fiance 25M had a rather large disagreement this morning. While I was brushing my teeth and using the bathroom my fiance placed our daughter to watch her show in her high chair and then just proceeded to watch Tiktoks for the next approx 10-15 minutes straight while my daughter waited.

I finally came out and saw this and asked why he hadn’t made any breakfast for her yet… he proceeds to say “I was waiting to ask you what to make for her” (note: she is one and eats scrambled eggs on daycare days like today) I said that’s a lie you know what she eats by now.

Anyways this comment sparked a disagreement between us because I vented about his lack of assistance in helping to get her or any of her belongings ready to go in the morning.

His solution after getting frustrated with me was to tell me I need to “make him a list of what I would like him to do for her” and I refused as I said I don’t want to mother him as well, and as her parent he should know what needs to be done (diaper changes, outfit, teeth brushing, daycare bottles cleaned and filled up, etc.)

I tried explaining that as her mom no one ever gives me a “list” I simply look around or think about what needs to be done. So I guess my question is AITA for refusing to make the list?

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

SarahBanxx wrote:

NTA. You’re right...he’s a parent too, and these are basic tasks he should be able to manage without needing a list. It’s understandable that you don’t want to take on the mental load of managing everything for him, especially when you already have your hands full.

Parenting should be a shared responsibility, and it sounds like you just want him to step up and be more proactive. Maybe a conversation about expectations and communication could help clear things up, but asking for a list seems like a cop-out on his part. You're not being unreasonable at all.

StripedBadger wrote:

Ugh. Weaponised incompetence. Be aware I’m biased in my vote: that is a complete deal breaker for me, so I can’t even imagine why are you engaged.

NTA.

FancyGoldfishes wrote:

There is a social media guy who makes posts explaining to men the mental load they put on their partners and how egregious it is to expect the wife to carry their lack of awareness/accountability as well as all the kids. He breaks it down in language that works w the guy brain and makes it super clear.

Like - do you know kids birthday, do you know their teacher or pediatrician. Who are their friends. What goes in their lunch - do they even pack a lunch. Why do we have to explain how to clean the bathroom or even mention to another adult the bathroom gets cleaned either periodically or on a schedule?!?!

And he goes on how exhausting it is for the wife/mom to carry not only hers, and the kids, but also his weight for all of this. No one tells us the floor needs swept, the garbages is full, the kid needs shoes on their feet before we leave the house…why do we have to inform you of these things?? If I find him I’ll come back and update - it’s a credible source to support your very valid point.

curiouslycat wrote:

NTA. It's often the female partner's job to carry the mental load of everything that has to be done and men try to tell us that they only need instructions or they want to be told what to do, or asked to help around the house. This is not your responsibility.

Their boss doesn't make a list of every small thing they need to do at work and they still manage to get their job done. Similarly, there's a big disconnect if your fiance doesn't know what your daughter eat for breakfast, he's simply not bothering paying attention. Also make a list.

KBD_in_PDX wrote:

NTA and honestly I am so proud that you realized this, called him out immediately, indicated that as a parent he holds the same responsibility to care for his child, and to be familiar with her needs. Babies don't come with manuals and the only way you get 'good' and recognizing their needs is to...trial and error.

This is all exactly correct.

If he needs a list, HE should write down the list, think about the things, and then pilot it to see if anything is missing.

an_achronist wrote:

Stay at home dad here - nah you're cool. Your mister needs to get his head in the game. Babies need food and he knows that. He's f-ked a baby into you. It's safe to say he's allowed to knock on the bathroom door to ask what you usually give your child for breakfast for f-ks sake.

Sea_Job1724 wrote:

Had to stop and make sure I didn’t write this my damn self! NTA. I (25f) am in the same boat with my partner (27m)...I swear all he does in the morning is watch videos and brushes her teeth when I ask.

One night I asked him to prepare our daughter’s supper and he literally said, verbatim “this is the third time I’ve made it this week” my jaw dropped, then I laughed and asked if he was joking...he was not. Good luck to us lmfao.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Update: Hi everyone thank you so much for all your responses. I just wanted to let everyone know a few things, we have been engaged since before she was born for everyone asking why I would be engaged to him if he acted like this. I would also like to clarify we do already see a couples counselor to help us navigate our other occasional but rare issues (mostly in law relationship issues).

She helped explain the mental load concept and I have to say ever since then things have improved SO much. Ever since he has really flipped the switch and helped me out a ton especially in the mornings. He really is a great guy with a big heart but sometimes a bit aloof to certain things hence why I even wanted to write this post so he could see I wasn’t alone in my perspective of his behaviors.

Lastly for those wondering if I’m the “naggy/controlling woman” the answer is no lol I didn’t care what he made or what task he took off my list for the morning. Whether it was diaper changes or picking her outfit instead of making her food that would have been perfectly fine I literally do not care as long as stuff gets done. Happy to say we are doing much better now.

The internet was opinionated about the update.

Single_Vacation427 wrote:

Who are these people saying "he has ADHD" or "my husband is absent minded"? WTF? If someone is so incompetent that they cannot give someone to eat to a toddler, then how are you feeding yourself or breather or holding a job?

pearlychan15 wrote:

I have ADHD and I don't understand why it matters? Since when did mental illness became an excuse for being a sh*t parent? He's an adult, if he has ADHD and he neglects his kid because of that, he should should be more responsible and get help. I've read her comments and she mentioned that she has ADHD, not him.

Gwynasyn wrote:

"I would also like to clarify we do already see a couples counselor to help us navigate our other occasional but rare issues (mostly in law relationship issues)."

Hmm methinks this little throwaway line is likely linked to OP's fiance using weaponized incompetence along traditional gender role bullshit, even if it wasn't explicitly stated by OP.

Just_Here2020 wrote:

I bet if you asked him details on a hobby, he’d know. Basically he doesn’t believe his kid deserves the same level of attention.