'AITA for not punishing my daughter for telling my parents she prefers her other grandparents?'

"AITA for not punishing my daughter for what she said?"

My husband and I are slightly more well off than my sister's family. Because of this my parents do more for them than they do us. When it comes to gifts my daughter (Maddie 7) get things from the dollar store while my nephews get whole Lego sets, iPads and even Disney trips.

If my sister needs babysitting they will drop everything for her last minute. If I need it I have to give them a two week’s heads up as well as proper payment. Because of this clear favoritism my daughter doesn’t have a good relationship with them. If you ask her about her grandparents her mind automatically goes to my husband’s parents because she forgets that she has two pairs.

Earlier today we having a rare meet up with my parents. My daughter asked if she can go on the trampoline outside. My dad said no because it’s for my nephews. My daughter begged but dad still said no. Maddie then stomps away and said this is why I like other grandma and grandpa more.

My parents looked at me expectantly but I didn’t do anything. I recently got off a call with my mom saying I should have told Maddie that was wrong to say. I told her what do you expect she thinks y’all hate her and y’all do nothing to dispel those thoughts.

She just got quiet for a bit then said I still shouldn’t let her say something like that to family and hung up.

My husband is on my side but he also isn’t a fan of my family so I need an outside opinion AITA?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit: To make some of you feel better we don’t bring her around them often she only sees them on holidays with the rest of our extended family. We were only visiting today to get something I was left in a will. As for babysitting I have only asked twice in extreme emergencies and they said no. I have talked to them about this but they say it’s not favoritism she just needs less help because we are better off.

Update: Just got off the phone with my uncle. Apparently dad called him ranting about how disrespectful we are. Apparently this all stems from me going to college. Dad said since I had to be all hoity toity and go to college I shouldn’t need his help and I should be living the easy life. He also said I’m selfish for trying to take help away from those who need it.

Not sure what to think about all that he’s never brought up having a problem with that before. I’m going to discuss this with the rest of the family because with the holidays approaching I don’t want to cut everybody else out to avoid them so I’m going to ask how they feel about all this.

The comments kept coming.

Bestbettsie wrote:

NTA for not punishing your daughter, but why do you force her to be around your parents when she clearly knows they favor her cousins? Why was she the one to point out the favoritism? As her parent, you should have been reprimanding your parents for their treatment of your child.

Maddie deserves grandparents who appreciate her, and if she can't have that, she should at least have a mom who sticks up for her. Go low contact with your parents until they're ready to treat all their grandkids equal.

OP responded:

I’ve spoken to them several times and the excuse is always that it’s because we make more money as for why we still see them it’s mostly for holidays and special occasions when the whole extended family is around. We only visited today to take care of some legal stuff. As more Maddie this is the first time she’s said anything negative about them.

Immontes wrote:

NTA. Why bother bringing her with you? They don't deserve her as a granddaughter. Is it because their other grandkids are boys our is your sister the golden child? It should not matter if you are slightly better off...they are being cruel.

OP responded:

She was only with us because it was an impromptu visit to their house, my sister was never treated as a golden child and they’ve never mentioned gender so other than money I don’t see any other reason for their favoritism.

Pandacotton wrote:

NTA. Your daughter SAID something they don't like and it's a direct result of what they DO. Your parents are more concerned about your daughter owing them respect (or what they consider respect) than they are about her preferring her other grandparents and feeling unloved.

The favoritism of which your daughter is the victim is not acceptable and she should no longer be put in this situation. They wouldn't be allowed to see my daughter if they made such a difference between their grandchildren. This kind of injustice leaves its mark right up to adulthood and build resentment between the kids.

Apart-Ad-6518 wrote:

NTA. "My daughter asked if she can go on the trampoline outside. My dad said no because it’s for my nephews. My daughter begged but dad still said no." The rest of the favoritism to their other grandchildren aside, forbidding your daughter to use the trampoline makes no sense. Of course a 7 y o isn't going to understand.

"She then said I still shouldn’t let her say something like that to family and hung up"

Perhaps she should start treating your daughter like she is family then.

StripedBadger wrote:

ESH except Maddie. How to phrase this; I think Y-T-A for subjecting your daughter to this. For asking us ‘is it okay for my daughter to stand up for herself’ instead of having stood up for her already, set boundaries and limitations and cut these people out of Maddie’s life entirely when they failed to treat her fairly and equally.

For talking about what Maddie did at the age of 7 instead of putting your foot down when she was 4.

You’re N-T-A for supporting what Maddie said. But you are an AH for letting it get to here in the first place. The way Maddie advocated for herself wasn’t super appropriate, but you’ve never once advocated for her and shown her a good example of what they should be. If you had, we wouldn’t be here.

Otherwise_Degree-729 wrote:

NTA. I would not bring my child around my parents if they treated her so unfairly.

Are you sure it’s just the difference in finances? When we were little, me and my siblings were treated like your daughter or worse from our parental grandparents.

At the time we didn’t get why they hated us and it hurt, growing up we learned something they never tried to hide but we were to little to understand: our father was the scapegoat, they treated him horribly and the other siblings could do no wrong. It's been 7 years of this behaviour towards your daughter, that’s enough you should cut her time with your parents.