'AITA for not showing up to my friend’s birthday surprise for me and now she’s acting like I don’t exist?'
"AITA for not showing up to my friend’s birthday surprise for me and now she’s acting like I don’t exist?"
I (21F) turned 21 last December, and one of my friends—let’s call her Amelia—wanted to celebrate. She didn’t bring me a gift, which is fine, I wasn’t expecting anything extravagant, but she did bring donuts. The issue is how everything went down. That morning, she texted me, “Happy birthday girl! You better not be late because I brought something for you.”
I told her, “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I might be running late.” She started sending voice messages telling me to hurry up, and a few minutes later, she sent a video of herself eating the donuts and said, “This is what you get for being late.” I arrived at school 10 minutes late and went straight to the library (I was stressed about a huge exam and needed time alone).
My mental health was at an all-time low, and I didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. I figured she’d understand that, but I guess not. For context, my birthday is December 22, but she only brought me something on December 30. I wasn’t mad about it, but it’s kind of ironic. The next day, she started avoiding me and giving me attitude whenever she was forced to talk to me. And then things got WEIRD.
One morning, she and my other friend, Jasmina, were ordering coffee. I was reading nearby, not paying attention. Amelia turned to me and said, “Hey, unknown, you want something?” I didn’t realize she was talking to me at first, but when Jasmina tapped me and said, “Sara, do you want anything?” it hit me—she was deliberately refusing to say my name.
Since then, she’s been calling me “unknown,” making it clear I’m dead to her. And the funniest part? She’s 22, older than me. Like, girl, this isn’t junior high. Acting this petty over donuts is ridiculous.
At this point, I was genuinely confused. Did I really commit some unspeakable crime by prioritizing my exam over a surprise donut “party” I never asked for?
Eventually, I apologized and explained that I’d been super stressed and my mental health was a mess.
I apologized to everyone in on the celebration, not just her. But even after that, she kept acting petty. Then one of Amelia’s friends pulled me aside and said, “By the way, Amelia is still really mad at you. She had to fight to get you those donuts because her grandpa drives her to university every day, and he yelled at her for stopping to pick them up.”
That’s when I realized this wasn’t even about me—she was taking out her family frustrations on me over donuts. When her friend told me that, I felt bad. I knew Amelia had a complicated home life, but I didn’t realize she literally got yelled at for picking up donuts for me.
I felt guilty, but at the same time…she could’ve communicated that herself. I didn’t ask her to do this, and I definitely don’t think it justifies ignoring me, giving me attitude, and calling me “unknown” like I’m some NPC in her life. So AITA for not showing up to my own little birthday celebration?
The internet strangers were quick to share their thoughts.
My_Dramatic_Persona wrote:
INFO:
Did she know you had an exam that day? Adding stress to an exam day as a late make-up for your birthday is a pretty AH move on its own.
When you said you might be late, was that to school or a planned meet up with her? I don’t think she has any call to expect you to be on time to school on a random day she decides to care about that. To be clear I think she’s definitely an AH, it’s just a question of degree.
Aledethanlast wrote:
NTA. If one of my uni classmates told me that they were behaving like this I would, at my most charitable, tell them to get a grip and just stop talking to you. Who the hell has patience for dragging out petty fights like this.
CryptographerFull581 wrote:
NTA. She couldn't have given them to you later? You needed a minute to yourself to mentally prepare for an exam. Some people find support in company, some do not. She's mad because the validation and attention she thought she'd recieve for doing something nice didn't happen. Plus, feeling like she "sacrificed" something to get the donuts for you (arguing with her grandpa).
For her to eat the donuts (which again, could have been given to you later) is super weird and petty. Then calling you "unknown" instead of your name is SO disrespectful and dehumanizing. Over donuts. That's crazy. Drop her. No one is worth that level of nonsense over donuts.
MyFirstNameIsLisa wrote:
ESH. Damn, girls in their 20s are EXHAUSTING. You should have visited her for the donuts - it was impolite and you know it. And no matter how old you get, women will always hold a grudge - thankfully as you get older, the reasons won't be as immature.
HumanAscending wrote:
Err. ESH. She’s NTA and you aren’t either. It was just bad communication. I would however say that a friend who braved her grandfather’s anger just to get you donuts for your birthday isn’t one you should be fighting with.
Buy her donuts and make it up to her somehow. She went out of her way to make your day special. It wasn’t hers or your fault that you were low that day. Y’all can talk it out. She’s not putting her family’s frustration on you, she’s upset that you don’t recognize the effort she put in.