'AITA for not supporting my partner wanting to be a SAHM?' UPDATED
"AITA for not supporting my partner wanting to be a SAHM?"
I (44M) have been dating a woman (35F) for two years. I have three kids (18M, 16F, & 14M) from a previous relationship. My girlfriend has none. We have discussed moving in together and starting to have kids, both of which I fully support. But, she is now indicating that she would want to be a SAHM. She mentioned it for the first time last week and I guess I made some facial reaction.
She asked me what was wrong and I downplayed it. Last night was our weekly date night. I was just completely honest with her about my feelings on it. I generally do not like either parent being SAH. I think parents who are SAH are high risk to lose themselves in their kids, I think it is generally better for kids to spend time around other kids who are not family.
It creates a social/financial dependence of the SAH parent on the other parent, and it can create guilt for the working parent if they express they are unhappy. She brought up the fact that my ex was SAHM for 8 years. I told her I was young and stupid and I would never agree to such an arrangement now.
Plus, financially my ex being SAH made sense because she did not make enough to justify the considerable cost of child care. That is not the case with my GF who is an engineer with a Ph.D. She brought up that we could easily afford to live our life on my income alone, which is true, but I still oppose it for the reasons I outlined.
Well, as you can probably guess, she is pretty pi#$ed off that I am completely opposed to the idea and our date ended on less than good terms. So, I am wondering if there is something I am missing? AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP, and his responses:
[deleted] wrote:
YTA you can't expect her to want to pop out kids and then go back to work, so she can pay money out the ass for someone else to bond with her children, and watch them grow up while she grinds and then probably ends up coming home and doing ALL THE CLEANING AND COOKING IN ADDITION TO PAYING.
The real reality is that you have three crotxh goblins from a previous relationship and you probably pay child support and have to come up with money for college, which is gonna be impossible...
You don't have money to get together with a younger woman and give her the life she deserves. You're wasting her time. Odds are you don't even really want more kids and are just using up her pretty years and running out the clock, hoping she'll be your little bread winner and bang maid.
You won't support her being a sahm not because you don't believe in it, your reasonings are bs and trash, but because you literally can't afford it.
OP responded:
What? First, I do not pay child support. Second, all three of my kids have college funds that will fully pay for their college. Third, any additional kids I have would get the same.
Dammbo wrote:
We're not passing laws here, for crying out loud. We are pointing out that OP was not the primary parent or partner in charge of household maintenance for his first trio of kids and is proposing to effectively "start his family over" at almost 20 years older than when he had his first child.
He's not going to have the same energy that he did at 26 and he's now insisting his wife should work, which will require him to step up as a parent MORE not LESS. The commenters are trying to point out that he's in danger of being hideously unfair not only to the woman he wants to make his second wife, but to their prospective kids, too.
OP responded:
First, when my kids were young, I was working 60+ hours as a young lawyer whose schedule was completely dictated by my boss. I also weighed more than 300 pounds with a number of health conditions like sleep apnea that drained my energy. Still, even then, I did the bulk of the grocery shopping and cooking for the family. And paying for outside help was out of the question.
Second, I now work less than 30 hours a week on average, weigh about 185, do not have any serious health conditions, dictate my own schedule, and can easily pay for any outside help that is needed.
My ex moved three states away three years ago and I have been doing nearly all the parenting tasks since. I know my GF working full time means more required from me. But, I am physically and financially in a much better position to not just split parenting tasks, but to do the bulk of them.
ergoagogo wrote:
Having kids should be an enthusiastic 'yes' by both partners or it should be a 'no'. If you are perfectly happy having no more kids, how are you going to feel if the marriage doesn't work out and the kids are, for example 6, 3, and 1? More than that, how are you going to feel when your second kid with this woman turns 15 and you are 65 and wanting to retire and he or she isn't even out of the house yet?
OP responded:
My ex and I both wanted kids, but we were both perfectly happy not having kids. Our marriage did not workout. And I am still incredibly grateful for it everyday because of my kids.
I plan on retiring in the next 5 years. If I do not have any more kids, my plan would be to foster some kids, like my parents did for years after my brother and I left for college.
Three months later, OP shared an update:
About a month after my post, my (now ex) girlfriend and I spent the weekend together discussing all of our perspectives.
She wanted to be a SAHM a minimum of 5 years (she emphasized she may decide she wants longer, but at minimum five years). I proposed a compromise of doing it for 30 months and then seeing where we are. That was not acceptable to her. So, I told her we are incompatible and should breakup. She was upset but understood.
Around Valentine's Day, she reached out to me and said she can compromise on the issue. I told her I thought it was best that we remain broken up. This past week I got a very angry text message talking about how "You wasted my time, you POS!" I have officially blocked her. So, that is where things are.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Nyankitty666 wrote:
Now would be a perfect time for a vasectomy. Your other 2 kids will be 18 in a few years.
DrSocialDeterminants wrote:
I mean this is for the best. There's guys out there that wants basically a SAHM and others that don't. There's little compromise on that and she should find someone that wants to support her. It was never going to end at 30 months or 5 years...the goal post will just move on and on and you both will resent each other. Good luck
Prudii_skirata wrote:
Nevermind that her plan to take 5 years out of the game as an engineer would be intentionally self-sabotaging and make her very unemployable compared to others competing for any positions she would be halfheartedly applying for to reenter the field.
wlfwrtr wrote:
You didn't waste her time. She chose not to be upfront with what she would want from this relationship. With every child the 5 years would be extended. Doesn't make sense that you'd want a second SAHM when the first one didn't work out.