'AITA for not supporting my wife when she started to cry at a Swedish tradition?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for not supporting at my wife when she started to cry at a Swedish tradition?"

I (52 m) and my wife (47 f) already have three kids (13m, 13f and 20 f) but a few months back we felt like we could use a breath of fresh air so we signed up to take a foreign exchange student for a year.

We got a 16-year-old Swedish girl that I will call Sarah and that has worked very good, she’s very open and honest and loves to share how things are in Sweden how different things are here in the US.

It was her birthday just a few days ago so we gathered around the laptop while she was face-timing her family and they started singing in Swedish but the song was particularly longer and more repetitive so after the call I asked her about it and she explained that some families in Sweden sing a song where they talk about sh--ting, h-nging and dr-wning the birthday person after they turn 100.

My wife overheard this and started to get annoyed because in her words “it was inappropriate and extremely disrespectful to her household” when she sang that without her knowing.

My wife isn’t naturally sensitive to bad language or words but when she was born she had a 60-year-old dad that died when he was 96 so she is more conscious about how elderly people can feel just before they are about to die and she felt like the song was making fun of people when they are old and sick.

Me and the twins were embarrassed while standing there so I asked her to calm down and that it’s just a Swedish joke song that isn’t even meant in that way but she just started ranting about it was her house to and she shouldn’t be afflicted to such derogatory language behind her back.

Sarah obviously felt bad tried to apologize and that she didn’t mean to be disrespectful in that way and that it was just her family singing the song but my wife just stormed out and yelled how she couldn’t believe we had taken in a girl from such a cruel family.

I tried to talk to her in our room right after I assured Sarah that she didn’t do anything wrong and to just pay no mind. My wife was apparently more upset at me for not supporting and agreeing with her and started to cry about how I knew what she had gone through concerning her father but didn’t back her up.

The house has been extremely tense especially when all of us are in the same room but I really don’t understand how a Swedish song could make her so upset. But I'm wondering if I should have taken my wife’s side and been more sympathetic. AITA???

The comments had a lot to say in response.

Nanismus wrote:

It’s silly. Especially because THAT IS NOT THE MEANING OF THE SONG! It’s a joke song where you repeat the first part of the verse and only add the last part at the end. So one verse is ‘we will hang him, we will hang him…on the wall in a frame’ ‘we will drown him, we will drown him…in lots of champagne’.

So basically it’s a song to honour the birthday person - with a bit of gallows humour thrown in. Try googling it. Your wife is massively overreacting. Gratulerar med dagen! To your poor exchange student!

Ok_Narwhal_9200 wrote:

NTA. Here's the joke:

First verse: May she live for 100 years - of course she'll live for 100 years!

Second verse: "When she has lived for 100 years - then she will be pushed (the Wwedish word for push is the same as 'shoot')...ON A WHEELBARROW!

Third verse: When she has been pushed (shot) on a wheelbarrow - then she will be hung... UPON A HORSE!

Fourth verse: When she's been hung upon a horse - she will be drowned (same as the word for drenched)....IN A LAKE OF CHAMPAGNE. It is incredibly harmless and only becomes morbid once the person reaches their eighties, when the first verse becomes, in effect if not in fact, "May she live for another 20 years at least.."

Square-Minimum-6042 wrote:

Your wife is still upset that a 97 year old died? I mean, it was her father but come on.

The poor Swedish kid didn't do it behind your wife's back anyway. Was your wife jealous that the girl was getting attention on her birthday? Because this certainly got the attention back on wife.

OP responded:

Yes. I don’t believe Sara did anything wrong as well and I’m also a bit mad at my wife, but it was more of how her father was suffering and that he himself said that he didn’t want to keep living. I think then that when my wife heard the meaning of the song she interpreted it differently and it triggered an emotion for her.

[deleted] wrote:

Is it possible that she could feel threatened of this girl in the house? Does she feel like you’re attracted to her?

OP responded:

She's sixteen and living under my house so no…I don’t think my wife feels threatened. Just because she’s a young Swedish girl doesn’t mean I would “fawn” over her and endanger her, don’t make assumptions like that.

The next day, OP shared an update.

UPDATE:

I have read all of the comments, I was even up late at night to read them all and I’m very thankful that so many people gave their input on my situation.

I first talked to my wife this morning and showed her SOME of the comments after last night. At first she was pissed I wrote out our personal information but I explained that I didn’t write anything that could trace back to us and she calmed down. I first want to mention that no, my wife is not jealous of Sara in that way and I’m not attracted to Sara since some comments said that.

And also my wife is not psychotic or narcissistic. I agree it was horrible way to treat a guest and we have already talked to our organization and they are currently looking for a new host family for Sarah.

My wife is still upset but is starting to feel incredibly guilty and has apologized but I understand that no amount of sorry will make Sarah feel safe again. Tensions are still high but I showed Sarah some of the comments and she finds it hilarious and comforting and I again assured Sarah that she didn’t do anything wrong and dark children’s songs are in every culture and doesn't harm anyone.

And to answer some other questions: no my wife doesn't usually do this. She was starting to panic when I talked to her about what she actually said, and how Sarah probably feels being trapped in our house in a foreign country.

I also showed her the true meaning of the song by one of the comments which caused her to almost have a panic attack that I needed to guide her through.

We will investigate this further since I know some of you had theories about how it could be menopause, so we will look into that.

Again thank you for for the advice on how to face this but I want to mention that a lot of people assumed a lot of horrible things about my wife and I wanted to clear that up.

PS: I have already watched midsummer with my buddies and yes I enjoyed it very much.

The comments kept coming.

Geode25 wrote:

The wife explosive reaction was terrible and uncalled for specially since it was the poor girl's birthday but is placing Sarah with a new host family the right choice? I'm not sure.

Wonderful-Teach8210 wrote:

NTA. Poor Sara is going to spend the rest of her life trotting out the story of her insane American host mother to bewildered Swedes.

beachpellini wrote:

Messed up that people were accusing this guy of creeping on the 16-year-old because he quite rightly had a 'WTF?' reaction at his wife blowing her top over a birthday song.

Nobody tell her what Ring Around The Rosies means!

[deleted] wrote:

So you showed Sarah the comments, she found it “hilarious,” and now you and she have a little in joke at your wife’s expense. Sure, your wife had an inappropriate reaction to the song. But you’ve talked it out and she apologized. You’re working on finding a better situation for Sarah. Why go behind your wife’s back? Maybe you really are attracted to her.

OP responded:

No, I showed her the comments talking about Swedish culture and the ones that were nice to her , I didn’t talk badly to her behind my wife I only explained that she didn’t do anything wrong. Disgusting assumption.

RandomUser10081 responded:

What the f is this commenter's problem?