'AITA for not taking my child to daycare because it’s in the same direction my wife travels?"
"AITA for not taking my child to daycare when it’s a 20-minute drive in the same direction my wife travels?"
I work a 2 day on-2 day off/three day weekend on-three day weekend off schedule at nights. On days I'm off, I tend to our newborn (almost 5 months old) at night so my wife can rest.
However, my wife can never seem to get up on time, and asks me to take our baby to daycare for her. Mind you the daycare is 20 minutes away in the direction she's already traveling.
She has a work vehicle that she's allowed to use to transport our baby, but she insists I take him, because she's always running late. AITA for not wanting to spend our gas and mileage on our lone vehicle when she's already heading that way? I'd understand it if she was late rarely, but it's almost always. And then I get accused of doing the bare minimum.
The internet had a lot of comments and questions to add.
Conscious_Cat_6204 wrote:
It makes more sense for her to take baby if she’s already going that way, but it’s so hard to get yourself and baby ready for work at the same time. Could you get the baby and her lunch ready so she has less to do in the morning? If you don’t already that is - it’s unclear from your post who does it now.
OP responded:
I do get him ready in the mornings when I’m not at work.
CosmicStrawberryblue wrote:
INFO 1: you say you tend to the newborn at night on the days you are off. Who tends to the newborn at night on the nights when your wife has to be up for work the next day (and you are working the night shift so are unavailable to help)?
Is your wife the default? i.e. are you getting a full day’s sleep and then get to go to work fully rested, but she is getting woken up all night every time you’re working night shift and she still has to go to work the next day? Could this be impacting her ability to function well in the mornings?
INFO 2: Even if it’s in the same direction, it could have an impact on her total commute time. How long does it extend her commute to do the drop off? Let’s say she has an hour long commute, and the daycare is in the “same direction,” but actually she has to make a 10 minute detour to get off the highway, drive through the neighborhood, do the drop off, and then 10 minutes more to get back on track.
That’s 20 extra minutes she has to spend each way doing the drop off/pick up. So at that point, you’re valuing your 40 minutes of free time over her 40 minutes of commute time each day.
INFO 3: Is she the one who gave birth to the baby? If so, your wife may still be recovering from birth and struggling to get her energy back up.
Even if you doing daycare drop off is not a great option in the long term, she just gave up 9 months of her body and health to bring this baby into the world. She’s probably exhausted and completely depleted of nutrients. At least you got a running start when baby was born of good health/not being depleted of energy due to pregnancy. As someone who is currently pregnant.
I can tell you she started out completely sleep deprived, in pain, and low on vital nutrients that give her energy before the baby even arrived. If you started at a 100, she started at a -100, and it will take time to get back up out of the hole. If I were her husband, I would be bending over backwards to help her recover, even if it makes more sense logistically for her to expend the effort doing the daycare drop off.
INFO 4: Is it possible that there is a reason aside from pure logistics that dropping off your infant is hard for her? Was she only able to take a very short maternity leave and now is being required to return to work before she feels ready?
Is she experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? Could she be experiencing the very normal hormone dump that happens after giving birth and is struggling emotionally with leaving her infant with strangers?
INFO 5: Is her income important to the family? If so, then consider whether this is a hill to die on.
If she genuinely is struggling right now to recover after giving birth and get your newborn to daycare and make it to work on time, then wouldn’t it make sense to inconvenience yourself for 40 minutes a day on your days off to make things a bit easier for her until she has had more time to adjust/recover to life with a baby?
INFO 6: Does your wife ever get alone time in the house and get to send the baby to daycare on her days off? Assuming she works a “normal” M-F schedule, which is how most daycares operate.
It would seem you have a benefit of your days off being baby free, while she still has to spend her days off tending to the baby. It might make sense for you to put in a little more effort into the daycare drop off/pickup to try to make up for that discrepancy.
International-fee-255 wrote:
Info: has she always had trouble getting up or is this now because of the baby?
OP responded:
It’s always been an issue. She actually does better now that she has had the baby.
DemenTEDbudny85 wrote:
I don't think anyone is TA here because I see both point of views . I understand not wanting to make an unnecessary trip but I also understand her perspective. She's running late for work and could get in trouble and she needs your help. However I also get that it is frustrating when someone is late consistently.
OP responded:
Yeah, I’m definitely seeing mixed reviews here.
3xlduck wrote:
NTA.
Seems like the problem is mostly that she does not get up on time?
But, we don't know how you split up the household duties and childcare at home...
OP responded:
I feel like I give back as much as I can when I’m there.
Fortunetellingboobs wrote:
NAH. She's exhausted, you're exhausted. You both need to get through this stage together. Start by making a list of everything you do and everything she does. Is it even, more or less? If so, she's got to work on her lateness problem.
If not, then use the 20 minute car ride to listen to an audio book or learn something new via podcast. It could be a nice little drive you and baby start doing together.