'AITA for not telling my friend I wasn’t buying her ballet ticket because of her parents?' UPDATED

"AITA for not telling my friend (17F) I wasn’t buying her a ticket because we didn’t want her parents and 11-year-old sister to come to the ballet with us (17F)?"

So, I wanted to go watch a ballet with a friend of mine who’s really into it. We go to school together and have a group of six friends, so naturally, we asked everyone if they wanted to come along. They all said no—except for one of them (let’s call her Cassie).

Now, here’s the thing about Cassie: her parents are super strict and controlling because she’s lied to them a few times in the past, and they found out. Because of that, they barely let her go anywhere. For example, our whole group can’t even hang out at a shopping mall because they won’t let her go, so we always end up at someone’s house instead.

We’ve talked about it a few times when she’s not around, and honestly, we’re all kind of tired of always hanging out in the same places. But no one really says anything because they don’t like conflict—I’m usually the only one to speak up when something bothers me. Anyway, Cassie said she wanted to go to the ballet with us and asked me to buy tickets for the three of us, promising to pay me back.

I agreed and said I’d do it as soon as I got home since tickets were selling out fast. About an hour before classes ended for the day, she mentioned that her parents and sister wanted to come along. I had a feeling it was because they wanted to keep an eye on her and if they didn’t come, they’d never let her go.

I said it was okay but then I thought about it and asked my friend if she’d be okay with Cassie’s parents coming too. She immediately said no, that we just wanted a girls’ night out without any parents around. I agreed. So, we called Cassie over to where we were sitting and tried to explain that we didn’t feel comfortable having her parents come with us.

We really wanted to figure out a way for her to still come along, but as soon as we brought it up, she got really hostile. She just turned away and started talking to someone else, totally ignoring us. My friend and I decided that since I was the one buying the tickets, I’d just get two and not tell her anything until she asked. I’m seeing Cassie on Monday and i’m sure she’ll get really hysterical when she finds out.

The internet had a lot of comments and questions to share.

NotThisAgain234 wrote:

NTA but own your decision and let her know that if she wants to go she needs to get tickets for herself and her family because your event was for a girls night and clearly it wasn’t working out. You could add that you hope you will be able to do something together soon, if you’re not too tired of dealing with her issues yet. It’s okay if you are.

What her parents are doing is weird, rude and inappropriate and it’s not your problem to deal with. I do have some sympathy for her but less so when she’s being rude along with trying to impose her family on her friends.

AkvaPali wrote:

If her parents are going too, why can't they buy the tickets for their family?

CallingWater wrote:

Isn’t that what they were going to do? It’s hard to tell, but OP seemed to have a choice between buying two tickets (herself and her originally interested friend) or three (including Cassie). Not six (adding Cassie’s family).

So Cassie’s family would be there but not immediately part of OP’s group in the seating. They might be expecting to be around the girls all the rest of the time, though. I think OP’s completely off the hook with respect to figuring this out, since Cassie rejected her attempt to do so.

SnackinPenguin wrote:

So she’s putting the blame for her current situation on you. Sucks but she gets to own what she caused. Because she lied (multiple times), her parents don’t believe her, and their trust is broken in her. That’s on her. Since she’s a year away from being considered an adult in many places, she can practice talking it out like the rest of us.

She gets to have a super awkward conversation with them on what it takes to rebuilt their trust on her, so she can go unsupervised.

She’s in her feels and doesn’t see what’s obvious. An invite for her, isn’t an invite for 3 more. On your dime. Yeah no. NTA.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Update: since many of you were curious about Cassie’s parents. After reading your comments, I thought more about it, and honestly, I think their reasons for being strict are pretty legit. Without going into too much detail, Cassie has lied to them a lot—we’re talking hundreds of times about where she’s been and who she was with, even back when she was just 13.

So it’s not so much about them being controlling; it’s more about trust. In fact, they’re much more lenient with their younger daughter (she’s 11) because she’s always honest with them.

As for the safety concerns some of you mentioned, we actually live in a pretty safe area. My parents even offered to give us a ride to the theater so we wouldn’t have to take the bus, and the theater itself is on the most crowded street around. So it wasn’t really about security either.

The internet did not hold back in response.

illbebacknow wrote:

NTA, why is she still your friend, seems like you have others. She lied and got caught and now her parents are overreacting. Do you really see anything changing in the future?

OP responded:

She’s more my friend because we are part of the same group but honestly we are all tired of this situation repeating every single time. I’m the only one who stands up and says that we should go out even if Cassie can’t go, but they seem to be scared of confrontation or whatever and stay at home.

arbitrary-ladybug wrote:

Having been someone with Cassie's parents (coincidentally, before I came out as trans my name was also Cassie). NTA. At all. At best, the only AHs are the parents. Listen, teenagers lie. It is what it is.

Putting your kids on lockdown and never giving them privacy/freedom when developmentally and situationally appropriate will worsen that. If they haven't figured that out now that their kid is seventeen, they never will.

That being said, if the only options are have grown adult chaperones during the time of your life when you're supposed to be exercising your freedom for the first time ever, or excluding the friend, excluding the friend is an unintended consequence of preserving that freedom. I get it.

randomerkat wrote:

Gonna go against the grain here and say YTA. Even if you decided not to go with her, the mature and responsible thing to do would be to tell her immediately so she can make plans of her own if she wants to.

Plus, as someone who had crazy controlling parents, without knowing the details of your friend - I can easily call to mind many "lies" I was accused of and punished for that I was forced into confessing to just make the yelling stop. I was then gaslit into believing I'd done those things or I really was a bad person. Have some empathy for your friend, there may be more going on than you know.

Gumbysfriend wrote:

So her parents expecting free tickets for them.and the daughter ? That's expensive.no let them.all buy the their own its their family Night and you won't be sitting near each other either. Don't mention anything in front of her about where your going what your planning again she's out of the loop her fault too shoukd of been.straight up with her parents long ago.