'AITA for not telling a man that the research he was mansplaining to me was my own?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not telling a man that the research he was mansplaining to me was my own?"
I (33f) work in a very small, technical, specific, male dominated field. I won't give too much information on it as I think you could easily find my identity if I did, but let's just say it's a sub category of law.
I graduated 9 years ago (for anyone wondering, the system in my country is different than in the US so I only studied for 5 years), and am now a lawyer as well as a researcher. I published some work here and there but nothing too major, and no one outside of that field knows my work.
Yesterday I went to a bar with a couple of friends who introduced me to one of their friends who works in the same field as me. I was pretty excited to meet him because it's rare to meet people who work in that field. He doesn't exactly do the same thing as I do, he's not a lawyer but a legal advisor, but we work on the same topics.
So naturally we started talking about our work.
At one point we were discussing a point on which we had different opinions, so I explained mine to him and he replied by saying that my opinion was based on nothing while his was based on the work of a professional (you guessed it, me).
He basically started explaining my work to me, but in a completely wrong way and missed all of my points. I asked him if he was sure that that was what the author meant and he said that he was because it was "pretty simple actually." For another good 20 minutes he explained all of it to me in details, like I was a first year law student.
I didn't say anything because it was pretty funny to watch him say things that were completely wrong with so much confidence. After that the topic changed and the night went on, but at the end of the night right before leaving I decided to tell him that I was actually the person that wrote the work he had quoted, and that he hadn't really understood it.
He reacted very badly and got angry, and he told me that I had manipulated him to humiliate him. He yelled at me for not saying it was my work at the beginning. I simply replied that he had embarrassed himself and left.
I woke up this morning to texts from my friends saying I was wrong for causing drama and tension and that I could've been nicer to their friend. I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong there. I mean yes, I could've told him right away, but is it that big of a deal that I didn't? I'm not exactly sure. AITA?
Shortly after posting, OP shared two small updates.
Edit: I forgot to make this clear and maybe it's a bit of a misunderstanding, but both conversations happened only between the two of us. We were the only ones talking about our work and our friends also weren't really there when I told him that I was the author. So it's not like I publicly humiliated him.
The only thing "embarrassing" for him here is that a woman seemed smarter than him, and I think that's what ge had an issue with.
Edit 2: I've seen some comments claiming that this post was fake because "that just doesn't happen", "i've seen many other stories where the same thing happens", "that's not realistic". I'm not trying to justify anything because I don't really care, but I just find it funny to see lots of comments from women sharing similar stories and then lots of comments from men saying it doesn't happen.
The internet was opinionated.
NTA and kudos to you for being so calm when he mansplained your own research!
Question: Did your friends also reprimand their friend for screaming at you? I mean that wasn’t exactly friendly either…
OP responded:
To answer your question, I have no idea. I left right after and he left to go back with my friends. The way I know them I think they did because they are always the people that want to avoid tension so I’m pretty sure they weren’t happy that he reacted that way but I can’t know for sure.
Verbingnoun413 wrote:
NTA.
This is hilarious.
OP responded:
That’s how I felt the whole night! Honestly I was laughing so hard inside I didn’t expect him to take it that way.
Yarnpenguin wrote:
This is as good as that man on twitter that tried to tell Margaret Atwood which religious doctrine the Handmaid's Tale was a critique of.
NTA.
OP responded:
Oh I remember seeing that tweet! It was hilarious. Men really have the audacity.
Difficult-Egg-9954 wrote:
Did you introduce yourself/be introduced to him by your name?
OP responded:
Only by my first name. And I have a pretty common first name (think like Mary).
Constant-goat2463 wrote:
NTA. A decent person would just laugh and apologize admitting he really must've looked funny to you, and then respecfully ask to explain the points he did not get. No matter how late you revealed the truth, and even if you said that a little bit bitter - any sane, healthily confident person would apologize for misinterpreting your text. He could continue argueing, but how he reacted was not normal. You're okay.
Mindless_behavior80 wrote:
NTA. The fact that he said your opinion was based on nothing was what did it. He didn't inquire about how you came to that conclusion and then quoted your published work. LMAO. He thought he sounded smart and overestimated his brain power. Instead of humbling himself, he lashed out. Just yuck.
"Stupid is as stupid does." - F. Gump
My Daddy taught me "I don't talk stupid." This story gave a very good example of why not to engage those who speak it fluently.