'AITA for not treating my kids' stepdad as their second dad or encouraging them to?'
"AITA for not treating my kids' stepdad as their second dad or encouraging them to?"
My ex-wife and I share two children. Our son is 9 and our daughter is 7. When our daughter was 8 weeks old my ex told me she was done with our marriage and wanted to divorce. A year later, and before our divorce was finished, she started dating her husband Jeff.
I do suspect they were dating before this and that was why she suddenly decided she was finished with our marriage but I have no proof and I'm not going to start a war over it either.
I don't think it would do any good for my kids. I can't say I have ever wanted my kids to call Jeff dad too or to call us both their dads. I have never said anything about this to my kids. I would never stop them if they did call him dad sometimes.
From a young age they called him Jeff and say he's their stepdad to others. That has not changed. This has bothered my ex and Jeff over the years. Particularly when my kids get family tree assignments for school or get asked to write about their family. They don't add Jeff to their family tree and when they talk about him in assignments about family they call him Jeff.
They do seem to like/love Jeff and the relationship is good. Which at least he treats them good and they feel that way. But it's not enough for them and my ex and Jeff have been telling me I need to start sharing Father's Day with them or giving them the Saturday before to celebrate with Jeff.
With Mother's Day/Father's Day, per our parenting plan, my ex gets the kids all Mother's Day weekend and I get them all Father's Day weekend. So Saturday and Sunday. This is something they feel has been unfair to Jeff and I said my ex should share Mother's Day weekend with him if they feel like this.
There is a growing tension between us because they have said I need to start calling Jeff 'dad' to the kids faces. Like saying you're going to your mom and dad's house or going home to mom and dad. Instead of saying mom and Jeff. They say I should include Jeff in all parenting discussions. I should run things by him and not just my ex. I should call us the parental unit and not just me and my ex.
They said I should be encouraging the kids to embrace him fully as the third parent and second dad. And I said no. I told them that won't happen. They told me Jeff has been there since they were very young and he sees them 50% just like me and I need to accept the kids have two dads. I said I accept how the kids feel but I won't encourage them to feel that way.
Jeff told me I was petty and that just because they provide them with a real family unit and I provide them with a single parent household doesn't mean I get to be that way. He also told me he disliked me for putting the kids through that and how he wishes they were his so I would go away. I told him to keep wishing because they're not.
My ex told me to think about if I died tomorrow and wouldn't I want them to still have a dad. I asked her if she wanted me to go out and find them a new mom just in case. She got pissed at me for that. They told me I'm not putting the kids first and I'm an AH for not lifting up Jeff as a dad. AITA?
The internet did not hold back.
vipserspm wrote:
You sure Jeff isn’t actually dad to the youngest kid? Maybe thats why they are so weird about it? NTA. You sound rational AF with all this.
OP responded:
I'm sure. I did a DNA test a while after they started dating (at least publicly) just to see if the kids were mine. They are. Confirmed. I think he wishes that weren't the case. I did it privately and without telling others because I have no real proof of any cheating. So it's just better. But I was able to confirm that and at least it takes the stress off me if they ever tried to claim Jeff is the bio dad of the kids.
Ornery-Platypus-1 wrote:
NTA. It sounds like Jeff and your ex are wanting to impose their need for validation/emotional expedience on your kids. If the kids organically grow to see Jeff as a second father over time, it's one thing...this is not that. Odds are, the ex is pushing this and 'ol Jeff is going along trying to keep his household's peace stable.
DreamyDaysie wrote:
NTA. Jeff needs to stay in his lane. Being a good stepdad doesn’t mean replacing you, and your kids clearly know who their dad is. You’re respecting their feelings and letting them define their relationships. That’s real parenting.
CatJarmansPants wrote:
So, the serious answer is to ensure that you have a legally binding parenting arrangement that deals with names, contact time and arrangements, and communications.
The marginally less serious answer is that you find yourself a wildly unsuitable 'GF', ideally one with a str-pper name, and you ask your ex if, now Krystal is going to be in your children's lives, she can half of the Mothers day weekend.
Communication is the key here. You need to be clear that you respect Jeff as a man and as a stepfather to your children, that your children obviously hold him in high regard, and that you're grateful to him for putting in the effort.
And that it will have been a difficult role for him to fill, and you appreciate how he's gone about it - but that you won't be giving up being 'Dad' any more than your ex would be happy giving up being 'Mum' if you chose to remarry. If the children want to call him 'Dad' then they can do so, but that you won't be pressuring them into doing something they clearly don't want to do.
Previous_Bowler4802 wrote:
NTA. Idk who Jeff thinks he is. And your ex too. To have the audacity to tell the biological father he needs to encourage another man to call his own children “dad”???? Absolutely wild my friend. You’re doing right by your kids, you are doing what’s best for them. If my dad (divorced as well) would’ve encouraged me to call my stepfathers “dad” I’d loose respect for him.
Like be a man, dad. You’re my dad. Stand up! So good for you for telling them to kick rocks. It’s up to you to fight fire with fire, or save the ammo for court. She’s trying to manipulate your kids away from you by encouraging this other “man” to be their “dad” and getting you to go along with it. She’s phasing you out.