'AITA for not wanting my husband's best friend around after what I found out?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not wanting my husband's best friend near after what I found out?"

I feel like I'm going crazy and I need a fresh perspective before taking the next step. I discovered that my husband (m37) and his best friend (f36) had a s#$ual relationship that lasted through out high school years and multiple relationships.

Apparently it was a known secret in their circle of friends....

Let me start from the beginning: I met my husband during the last year of college. He comes from a very small town and has the same group of friends since elementary school. I used to find it endearing, now I feel sick. His best friend (f36) used to be his deskmate in kindergarten. He used to talk about her a lot before I met her...mostly fun anedotes and childhood memories.

Honestly I was a bit jealous at the beginning; he had all these memories and shared friends with her...he even had a special nickname for her: Pokie. I let go of my worries when I met her. Pokie was not like the "horrible female best friend" in the movies. She was always supportive and sweet. She's a cake designer and she gifted us our wedding cake and made a beautiful speech.

Still there was a part of me that always felt a bit uneasy. Me and my husband never really talked about past relationships (mostly because I didn't want to focus on the past) but in general from what he let it slip he was a bit of and ahole as a teenager. In particular his friends sometimes talk about how it's incredible their group survived the "Summer of madness."

I always assumed that some kind of High school drama happened and that was it until I discovered what It was about. I was out with one of my husband's friend wife, Gertrude. Gertrude told me something about how she admired me for being so secure in my marriage even with "the one that got away" in the picture. I was confused.

I told her that I didn't understand what she was talking about and then she told me "oh...I thought you knew about Pokie and Maurice (my husband)." I died a little hearing that She proceeded to tell me about how they basically f#$%ed through High school years. How Pokie was my husband's first everything.

And I guess they cheated on every single boyfriend/girlfriend they had during that period with the other. The famous "Summer of madness" was the last summer of high school... apparently the whole group was fighting because some people were done with their behaviour, while others kept covering for them.

What's worse is that it all ended because Pokie put a stop to it. She choose a college km away from their hometown and stopped talking to my husband for a whole year.

After the revelation, I confronted Pokie. I shouldn't have but I was so angry and humiliated. I don't want her near me or my husband. I keep thinking about how they shared everything, about how not even our intimacy it's truly ours. It drives me insane.

She obviously told my husband, and we've been fighting since then. He's telling me over and over that there's nothing between him and Pokie. In his opinion, I'm overreacting to something that happened almost 20 years ago and has been closed and dead. But I fell like I can never trust the two of them together...AITA?

The internet swooped in with a lot of hot takes.

Flynn_JM wrote:

What happened when you confronted Pokie? Why didn't you confront your husband first?

ETA: Whose idea was the wedding speech?

OP responded:

She was surprised but calm. Which made me even more mad. She told me she thought my husband had told me about it and It was not her place to talk about it. Then she told me to talk to my husband but that unless he told her to stay LC she would not do anything. She was his "best man." So yeah...

Flynn_JM responded:

What did she tell your husband before you had a chance to speak with him?

What was his reason for never telling you?

OP responded:

He said he knew I would blow things out of proportions...

Flynn_JM responded:

The reason you are blowing things out of proportion is because he let you be around someone who was an ex for years without mentioning it.

How long into your relationship did you meet Pokie? BTW, is that a s#$ual nickname?

OP responded:

No it's something from their childhood...Just M and her father call her that.

I met her after a couple of months with the other Friends. They never dated ??‍♀️ according to G but also my husband the whole situation was pretty toxic.

All I hear from him are excuses some are even valid but I feel like It just make the situation worst...he calls me honey most of the times. I used to think the whole Pokie thing was cute and wholesome...now I feel a bit foolish

LeaJadis wrote:

You are not wrong. There is a REASON they chose to not tell you a significant part of their history. And what’s absurd is that you were eventually going to find out because you live in the small town they grew up in.

And if it’s “so dead,” then why are they still hanging out and being close friends? Am I really expected to believe he just lost all emotions…and what does that mean about him and his ability to love long term? If he stopped loving Pokie then it’s reasonable to expect him to stop loving everyone and anyone else…wtf?

Edited to add: His relationship to Pokie has been a hidden secret for 20 years, and he is still lying to his partner about their relationship. I don’t know if they are being intimate, but does that even matter?

OP wrote:

Okay, so a lot of people areaAsking me why I got angry at Pokie and not my husband. First: I am Angry at M. I can barely stand in the same room. Second: I feel childish but I WAS/AM JEALOUS of her! I didn't grow up like M. I barely remember the people I went to middle school with. To me friends are something different.

He had this girl that knew every single thing about him, that shared adventures and Christmases and birthdays, family and friends. It was a lot. I knew She was important to him so I tried my best. I thought that at least I had his love first...turns out she had that too. I was mad! Was It right? No! But in that moment she was the focus of my rage...

FlynnJM responded:

Have you told him this is why you are so upset? Did he admit he was in love with her?

OP responded:

No, and it drives me insane! Why can't he say that he was in love with her? It's plainsShe was his First Love. But no "I don't get It and am delusional," "they were kids and confused"...

F that! What's confusing about ditching your friends and your GF for a summer in order to bang your "best friend?" G told me about the Castle of lies he spun around that poor girl...I feel sick thinking about it.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hi guys, First of all thanks you for all the response, the messages and the support I got. Currently I feel like I don't really have friends l can trust but at least I can have some validation from you. There's a link to the previous post if you need It.

So I have a small update and things don't look good. I had a pretty big fight with husband last night. He went to the usual Friday game night.

Some of you asked me about that; he and his friends had two type of game nights.

One is normally on Friday as most of them don't work during the weekend. It's a group thing and they play some kind of D&D. Usually is hosted by Andrew.(M37) who is the master of the campaign. Then there are sporadic game nights in wich some of them play video games and chat. In that case the numbers of people are variable.

As I said last night Maurice went to play D&D. I asked if Pokie would be there. He was annoyed and told me yes. I asked if he had seen her this days. He told me that he went to get coffee with some of the guys and that Thursday he went to grab lunch. I was pissed so I raised my voice and asked why he can't stay away from her at least for now.

He told me and I quote "I can but I'm not going to cater to your tantrum. I didn't do anything so I'm not going to act like I'm guilty of something." I reiterated that I don't want her in our life now that I know and he asked me what do I want him to do. "It's a small town and we are neighbors. All of my friends are her friends. Unless we move we are gonna have contacts."

So I told him that maybe we should move. Maybe we should start over in a place where I can trust people. He told me I'm insane. That he's not gonna sell his granma house that he loves and move somewhere away from his family and friends just because I feel insecure and to grow the F up. I stormed in our room and he went to his friends.

When he came back he started gaming on the PS instead of coming to bed. I could hear him talk so I went to the living room. I asked him Who he was playing with. I kid you not he was playing CoD and chatting with Pokie and Andrew. He was with her just a couple of hours before!! I asked him to come to bed.

He told me he had to finish the game and that he needed to vent frustration. I'm not proud of me but I raised my voice again and said something like "can you even breath without seeing her for 10 min?!". He didn't even look at me. He just told me "if you're gonna make a scene tell me now so I can turn off the mic." I slept in the guest room.

This morning Joachim, the friend that work in my office, came and talked to me. Apparently Maurice. has told them everything Friday. He was "venting." He told me that Gertrude. thrives in drama and that's why She opened that can of worms. He assured me that there's nothing between Pokie and Maurice.

And that this situation will became an issue just if I make it one. I asked him what he meant and he told me: "You married him, you know how he is. Maurice is like emotionally dependent on Pokie or whatever. If She killed someone he would dig a hole and help her hide the body. If you want this marriage to work just learn to coexist..."

I asked him if he thinks Maurice still loves Pokie. He told me that maybe I should ask my husband because he doesn't know. At this point, I just can't let this go. I feel like a crazy paranoid woman but I just can't let this go. I asked Gertrude out for lunch Wednesday. I begged her to tell me everything she knows because I need to know. Still...I'm scared of what I'll learn.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Abby_Rain_87 wrote:

Unfortunately your husband made his choice and he chose Pokie so now you need to make yours. It's a shame that he did this to you he's a piece of s#$t and you deserve better and you will find better.

Flynn_JM wrote:

I mean it sounds when push comes to shove, Pokie is the relationship he values. Has he done anything to make you feel secure in this marriage or is it just 'stop overreacting/having tantrums?'

Can you go visit friends/family out of town for a bit? Maybe some space will give you and him some perspective. He can realize what he is truly giving up for a woman who rejected him years ago.

JoReads8069 wrote:

I’m really sorry but it’s time to leave. He can stay away from her but won’t cater to your tantrum? That right there is the nail in the coffin of your relationship. He doesn’t care about your feelings there is no way to sugarcoat that. You’re not insane but you do need to get away from him. At best this man is a liar and at worst a manipulative prick and probably worse.

I have no idea what he relationship with this woman is but whatever it is, it matters more than your marriage. Time to cut and run you are never going to be first. He really is a POS. Edit to say it doesn’t matter Gertrude tells you - your husband has already told you all you need to know. You don’t matter.

Violet_owl22 wrote:

He doesn't respect you. Why would you want to exist in this relationship unless you want to be polyamorous? Your husband is absolutely in a relationship with this other woman. Just tell him you're done and want to divorce. That you can't live feeling like a mistress in your own marriage. I don't like ultimatums, but you've tried and tried to get him to see your side, and he won't. So leave.

Ten days later, OP shared an update.

Hello guys, First of all thank you for the messages and the chat a lot of you sent me. Thanks you for checking on me. I'm sorry I didn't reply and also for updating so late but I needed time to think and sort my self. For those of you who are new there's a link for my previous post if you are interested. Some of you pointed out how I was spiraling and acting kind of crazy: you were right...I was.

It was hard to admit that I was doing as much damage as Maurice. in the situation and It was even harder to realize that maybe our marriage has more issue that what I thought. I'll start by saying that I never went to that lunch. After our fight that Friday night, my husband spent Saturday at his mother's house (She lives 30 Min from us with her new husband).

He stayed there the whole day and I discovered from his story on IG that he took his two stepsibling to the laser game and than to dinner. He also took them to Pokie Bakery for dessert. I was livid but resigned at this point, he had clearly said that he didn't care for my disconfort so it's not like I was expecting much.

I ignored him when he came back later that a evening, I just didn't want to fight again. He came to me and told me that we should talk. When I didn't say anything he told me that he was sorry for being an ahole the day before, that he had started to sound like his father and he hated it and that the last thing he wanted was for our marriage to be like the one his parent had.

I told him that he dismissed my feelings and that by still going to Pokie he kept doing it and that I felt completely disrespected. I tried to explain as calmly as I could how hurt I was to know a) about their past by someone else b) that everyone around me knew and never told me anything up until now.

I explained that I felt like a stranger because our friends suddenly reminded me that they were HIS friends with their behaviour and that I feel like I can't trust anyone around me because no one told me the truth. Then I asked him point blank if he still loves Pokie and why he kept everything a secret.

And that's when he told me the truth. And oh boy was I not ready.

Maurice. basically confessed that he had loved Pokie like crazy.

"Like let's elope even if we're 16 and stupid level of crazy" but his parents were divorcing during that time and it was incredibly ugly and violent, so his teenager mind decided that love was dangerous that by having relationship you loose the people you love. Ergo never have a relationship with someone important to you. In his case Pokie. He admitted that it was stupid but "I was not exactly the smartest kid."

He couldn't stay away but he also couldn't bear to loose her if an eventual relationship would implode so they stayed in this limbo...until the Summer of Madness. Pokie was already pretty tired of the situation but then She discovered that she was pregnant. It was Maurice's because at the time she was single and as stupid teenagers they weren't using protections.

I was already shocked as it was, but to hear my childfree husband say that he had wanted that baby the moment Pokie showed up in his room with a drugstore test left me...speechless. So I asked what happened. And he told me that two week after founding out she lost the baby. They were still trying to come up with a way to talk to their families in his room when it happened.

She got appendicitis and somehow It got her tubes inflamed and caused her pregnancy loss. He told me that his worst memory is calling Pokie's mom and his mom from the hospital while hearing Pokie's cries from behind the door of her room. Maurice also told me that that was pretty much the moment he became childfree. He told me "I never want to hear someone I love cry like that ever again."

Also because of that pregnancy loss it has become impossible for Pokie to have children without planning and medical help. That's why her divorce was so brutal. Most of their friends don't know...they still think she just got appendicitis. Maurice told me that after what happened she run off to Uni avoiding him and pretty much the whole town for a year.

He told me how confused and lonely he felt and how much he missed her, not the girl he loved but his best friend" the one who knew me better than myself and that I could always count on." So when she reach out when Maurice grandma passed, he pretty much promised her that they'll never put themself in a situation like that again. That they'll be just friend and nothing more. And that's what they have been.

He told me that he'll always love her but that whatever they had Is done and he married me and loves me and that's what should matter. When I asked him if he was willing to see Pokie less and have a different kind of friendship for my sake he told me that while he loves me he values his friends enough to not cute them off.

He told me that after 13 years together I should know this about him. So I told him that After 13 years I should matter enough. I packed a bag and told him I was going to visit my parents because I needed time. And that's where we are. I took some time from work and I'm still at my parents. It was a lot and I still don't know how to feel...I'm mostly empty.

The internet was deeply invested.

ChanceReason6617 wrote:

If you're going to stay with him, you have to accept that you'll always come second. He told you that and showed you that every time he went to her. Listen to what he says. If nothing else, at least he's honest.

Abby_Rain_87 wrote:

His whole outlook on life revolves around his deep love for Pokie and everything they experienced together, good for you for standing your ground and walking away for time to reflect.

I wouldn't know how to move forward from here I would probably wish him and Pokie the best and walk away for good but f it would be devastating at the same time staying would too. I wish happiness and peace for you, you deserve better!

rmcspadden wrote:

You asked him to change the dynamics of his friendship with Pokie, and he said no. Just divorce him at this point and gain some peace of mind. You’ll always be pitting this friendship against your marriage.

If you had known the extent of their relationship beforehand, then you wouldn’t have married him. Now that you know the truth, make a clean break and find someone that loves you first and foremost. It sounds like your husband and Pokie need to go to counseling together to work on past trauma. They would probably have a future together.

I_Drive_a_vulva wrote:

This man is literally choosing to put his high school sweetheart on a pedestal. Hes willing to lose his lover/wife/marriage over a high school friendship/relationship he holds on a pedestal. I couldn't stay in this marriage.

He never intended for you to know any of this information, which is shady as f. Id bet a large sum that if you divorce, him and "pokie" would rekindle things.