'AITA for not wanting my husband’s ex-wife to watch our daughter when we return to work?' UPDATED

"AITAH for not wanting my husband’s ex-wife to watch our daughter when we return to work full-time?"

My husband (M38) is trying to convince me (F28) to have his ex-wife be the primary caretaker for our daughter instead of utilizing daycare when we return to work. Our daughter will be 3 months old when my maternity leave ends and the plan has always been for her to go to daycare.

We have read reviews and interviewed the director at the daycare and up until about a month before our daughter was born he seemed satisfied with this arrangement.

Around the 7-month mark of my pregnancy my husband got the idea that we should ask his ex-wife to watch our daughter instead of utilizing daycare. We have a very positive co-parenting relationship with her and have never had so much as an argument.

We all work together to do what’s best for their son (M8). While we have a great co-parenting relationship, I’d like to maintain the current boundaries we have in place. To me having to drop our daughter off every day and pick her up before and after work has potential to blur lines and create an arrangement I’m simply not comfortable with.

While I understand this would likely save us money and give HIM peace of mind with personally knowing who will be watching our daughter, I don’t think it is something I will ever be entirely okay with. He insists I need to “put my ego aside” and “take emotions out of my decision making” to choose what’s best for our daughter.

This arrangement would also require him to alter his work schedule significantly and require either one of us to take off work when she or their son is ill not to mention we would have to plan summer vacations around her schedule as well. Maybe I am more comfortable with the idea of daycare since I was in one until roughly 5th grade and still maintain contact with the teachers I had while there.

I just want to maintain boundaries, so AITA for not wanting my husbands ex-wife to watch our daughter full time when we return to work?

Edit: she would be paid, just not as much as the daycare.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

flapimusic wrote:

Honestly, you’re not wrong for wanting to keep things simple and stick to the daycare plan. Boundaries are important, especially in blended families.

I_am_aware_of_you wrote:

“Hé insists I need to”put my ego aside” and “take emotions out of my decision making” to choose what’s best for our daughter. “ So he is doing that by suggesting his ex based on what emotionless and ego less arguments??? And seriously is this even discussed with the ex...why the f would she want that??? Because he didn’t give her a girl the first time round???

murphy2345678 wrote:

NTA ALL decisions that parents make concerning their children are emotional! If your husband wanted his ex to raise his kids then he should have stayed with her instead of getting divorced.

Unreasonable-Skirt wrote:

That’s going to end up where you and your husband ate going to be co-parenting with his ex wife. She’ll be the one spending the most time raising your child until she’s old enough to go to school. About 5 years of his ex being primary parent of your child. Of course you’re uncomfortable.

mtngirl60 wrote:

Found it! I had to go to your comments. So he wants to pay her a greatly reduced rate to watch your three month old daughter.

Why is my Spidey sense tingling and telling me that he is already somehow discussed this with his ex and that this is going to save him being asked for additional child support or some other financial assistance to his ex-wife. I’m absolutely with you. I would not be comfortable with this arrangement. She is his ex-wife for a reason, no matter how good a coparenting relationship everyone has.

Let me say that again. She is his ex-wife for a reason. And when he’s talking about ego, he’s talking about himself. I guarantee you that this benefits him because he gets to put more money into his ex-wife’s household Actually gets to utilize funds that you make from work to help do so. So his ex-wife benefits. He benefits.

The household, his son spend probably 50% of his time in benefits. And your peace of mind goes to s-t. Because no matter how good a coparenting relationship, he may have with her and no matter how good of relationship you may have with her, she’s not going to parent the way you would like. When you pay for daycare, within reason, you can request accommodations. And please note I said within reason.

No, they’re not going to send you a picture every five minutes. But when you’re talking about his ex-wife, if you try to ask for any accommodations, such as making sure, your daughter is changed every two hours regardless of whether she’s wet or not because she tends to get heat rash from a diaper and it is what the pediatrician recommends…

What is most likely going to happen with your husband and the ex-wife both is that they are going to minimize your concerns because you’re a new mom and you just don’t know. But they’ve been through this before. The potential for that sort of thing with your child is huge. And suddenly, you’re the third wheel in your own child’s care. Just because he at least partially raised a child early on with his ex, you didn’t.

Just because he is comfortable with whatever she’s doing, you aren’t. Just because they did this seven years ago doesn’t mean they know shit today. The world has changed significantly in the last seven years. Pediatrician recommendations have changed significantly in the last seven years. And when you pay for daycare, if it’s a good one, they are keeping up on recommendations.

They are looking for milestones with your child to make sure that they’re on track and developing properly because they will want to know if there’s anything that seems out of kilter just as early as you possibly can. Your husband is a little too comfortable with somehow still parenting with his ex-wife when it comes to your baby.

Because that’s basically what it would be. And I don’t care if he likes daycare or not. This is not just his child. The bottom line is that you don’t want his ex-wife raising your baby, and that’s basically what it would be. She’s the one that will see a lot of milestones. And where daycare would be very diplomatic and tell you something like…

I think she’s about ready to start rolling over. Keep an eye out. Even if she already rolled over. They’re not gonna take those firsts away from you.

Your husband’s ex-wife is just gonna tell you…she rolled over today! She took her first step today! Or whatever else.

And not even to be mean. Just because it’s an exciting thing. But it should be your exciting thing. Your husband needs to get some therapy. And yes, I’m gonna be honest with you. I am not at all.

Thrilled about the difference in your ages. I almost 40 years old, he should have more common sense than this. And the fact that he’s not showing it or, even giving your concerns consideration really makes me dislike him.

OP wrote:

She works Friday/ Saturday nights. This works well for her and she is able to avoid childcare this way. I have a career and job that I love and want to return to after maternity leave. Daycare was always the plan even prior to me getting pregnant.. well until now.

She would be paid, just not as much as a daycare. I’m sure she could use the extra money and her schedule allows for it since she only works Fri/sat nights. My husband currently works 4 days a week and could change the day he takes off to Fridays instead of Mondays to allow this arrangement to work.

She is in a long term relationship and seems happy so to me it seems unlikely that there is anything suspicious going on between her and my husband. It’s not even that I don’t trust his ex to watch her occasionally, but more as like an occasional babysitter. I am just uncomfortable with the idea of her being a primary caregiver for our daughter.

I have argued that we would be at the will of her schedule and the potential for last minute cancellation could be problematic. He countered with “well I have plenty of sick/vacation time so it’s not a big deal.”

fleetdancer wrote:

NTA. That would seriously blur the lines. Ask him what happens if she does something you don't like. Would he be okay with you criticizing her? Or firing her? How would that affect the coparenting relationship? He'd basically be raising another kid with his first wife. If he wanted to do that he shouldn't have gotten divorced.

OP wrote:

Custody is 50/50

He is a very involved father. We attend every soccer practice/ game. Sundays regularly involve special outings and helping with homework/extra practice for the areas his son struggles with have never been an issue

OP wrote another comment, sharing how she takes care of her stepson.

What I do to take care of him is limited to maintain appropriate boundaries. For example bath time is only done with his dad and in the entirety of our relationship I’ve only watched him independently for longer than 30 minutes once.

Not to mention he is 8 years old, so he knows who his mother is and can understand the roll of a step parent to certain extent. I’m not afraid to say I don’t want to increase the time we are spending with his ex. I don’t know a lot of people that are looking to be in constant communication with their spouses ex though? She hasn’t agreed to watching our daughter.

The idea of it was mentioned to her by my husband a while ago when he brought up the price of daycare with her one day. Apparently she said I’d do it for half that and he seems to have taken that comment and ran with it. I had asked him not to discuss it with her further because I don’t want to pursue that option. Since then he has continued to push me to reconsider.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

I am pleasantly surprised with the update I came to give today. After showing my husband the post I made here, he seemed genuinely surprised with the overwhelming number of people that were siding with me on this.

After reading through comments we had a very cordial conversation about why he feels his ex would be a better option than daycare. He went on to explain that he was often watched by his father’s ex growing up and that he felt it created a village for him to rely on as a kid.

With his ex watching our daughter he feels we would eliminate risks associated with daycare and this would allow our daughter to have the undivided attention of one individual. Thanks to this post he was much more willing to hear me out and ultimately left the decision up to me, but still made his opinion on daycare very clear.

After our argument the other night i gave in to a certain extent and told him to reach out to his ex to see if this is something she would even want to do. While she wasn’t opposed to it, she wasn’t necessarily jumping at the opportunity either. She seemed indifferent and more like the money would be beneficial, but wasn’t going to be offended if we chose daycare at the end of the day.

I have stood my ground throughout this and made it clear I’d like to maintain our current coparenting dynamic and avoid putting ourselves in a position where we could jeopardize the relationship. We still don’t agree on the matter, but he has accepted my choice and validated my feelings. All in all a great outcome. Thanks for all the input guys.

Commenters had lots to say in response.

Zombiehealthy2616 wrote:

Wait. So he was making all these plans in his head and became vitriolic about it without even having a conversation with his ex about whether she'd be willing to babysit? Dude puts his wants and feelings before both of you frequently doesn't he. He sounds extremely selfish.

OP responded:

He had a brief discussion with her months ago when discussing the cost of childcare where she responded with “hell I’d do it for half that” He took it literally while to me it seemed more of just a lighthearted remark. I had asked him not to discuss it with her further because I was opposed to the. Evidently she was serious.

Seahorse_93 wrote:

Still not sure how I feel about him telling you to "put your ego aside" just because you weren't comfortable with his suggestion.

BellaSantiago75 wrote:

The fact that he still wants her to watch your baby when she wasn't even enthusiastic about it is very concerning.

pcnauta wrote:

I'm not a big fan of your husband's decision reason - "A very unique situation worked for me when I was a kid, thus it WILL work for us now (even though I haven't actually investigated whether my ex wants to do it)."

He's thinking with nostalgia and NOT his brain.