'AITA for offending my in-laws by deciding my daughters won’t have a Quinceanera?'
"AITA for offending my in-laws by deciding my daughters won’t have a Quinceanera and the reasons?"
Context: My husband (m 35) and I (f 34) have two daughters. The oldest Lexie (14) is not my husband's biological child but he has been nothing short of a father to her. Our second daughter Rosie (husbands bio) is just a baby. Last weekend we got together with hubby’s family at his parent’s house.
MIL started talking about how we need to prepare for Lexie’s Quinceanera next year. Hub’s family has joked multiple times about Lexie getting to have a Quince now that she’s an honorary Mexican thru my husband. My husband's family is from Mexico. I am not of Latino origin. They grew up in the Catholic faith. I did not.
While I love that hubby’s family considers Lexie their own and includes her in other Mexican traditions, Quinceaneras are the one exception. I have told my husband before I don’t agree with what it historically represents and we aren’t Catholic. My husband has also said he understand this.
I tell my MIL that Lexie won’t be having a Quince and has told me she just wants to go do something with her friends. My MIL snapped at my husband in Spanish and left the room. I was then bombarded with both of my SILs, one their husbands, and my MIL from the other room demanding to know why Lexie couldn’t have a Quince.
My husband told them to stand down but for the next 20 minutes they kept making passive aggressive comments like “poor Lexie won’t have a Quince like her little sister will.”
I finally said in a stern but calm tone:
"I understand it's a tradition. But I do not agree with the original meaning of Quinces in that now a 15-year-old is a woman and ready for marriage. I know it's modernized now and means they're just entering womanhood but I still don't agree with the symbolism. They’re kids. Besides Husband and I don’t practice Catholic faith. Lexie is not having a quince and I don't want Rosie to have one either."
From all directions shouts of "WHAT? Rosie HAS to have one!" and "Rosie is Mexican! You can decide for Lexie but not for Rosie!" came from all my in-laws. All last week my husband was getting texts about how much I offended them and that a Quince (more so for Rosie as his bio kid) is a right of passage and marks a milestone into womanhood.
I told my husband that if Rosie really wants one in the future I would be open to hearing her reasoning. But I won’t encourage or force her to. My husband hates confrontation and told me this morning that I'm the jerk for not just giving in because disagreeing with how they feel about Quinces is offensive to them.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
themajorfall wrote:
I could kinda agree with this, but only if you hold yourself to the exact same standards. When you got married, did you take your husband's last name, wear a wedding ring, walk down the aisle with your father, wear a white dress, wear a veil, or he have groomsmen?
Because all of those are sexist traditions stemming from women being objects owned by men. And when your baby was born, did you give her your last name or hyphenate your last names?
Because giving the baby that you grew and birthed only your husband's last name is also a s-xist traditions. If you did any of those, I don't really see how you have the right to deny your daughter a party. But, if you avoided all of those because of your own standards, then this is keeping in line with that and it's fine to not have a quinceanera.
Historical-Pie-3792 responded:
Lord help any woman that isn’t the perfect feminist. Why does she have to check all of these boxes in order to establish a boundary?
ThatInaHat wrote:
I mean, considering that it has a larger cultural meaning than just that, it feels sort of insulting to boil it down to a historical meaning that no one applies anymore. Like someone else pointed out: did you get a ring, walk down an aisle, wear a white dress, take your husband’s name?
Does Rosie have your husband’s surname?
These are all cultural traditions that have historical meanings, but in modern day they mean what the people participating in them want them to mean.
If Lexie really doesn’t want a Quinceñera (and isn’t just saying what she thinks you want to hear after you made a Statement), that’s one thing. But not allowing it for either daughter (and Rosie will grow up seeing her cousins having theirs) seems a bit much, and telling your husband’s family that their cultural tradition is gross seems…also gross. YTA/ESH I think.
Major-Cauliflower-76 wrote:
YTA. I am Mexican and believe me it does NOT mean any of those things anymore, and not even sure why you tied it to being Catholic. Lots of non-Catholics have them, it´s just like a sweet 16, only a year early. Your husband's family accepted you, accepted your daughter and made you part of the family. That doesn't happen every day. And you are repaying them with this? Yeah, totally the AH.
Top_Education7601 wrote:
INFO: Why do you keep mentioning the Catholic part? In your mind, what does that have to do with the Quince? Also, do you understand that this isn’t some hardcoded magical ceremony that can only have one meaning and outcome?
I get why you are dead set against certain meanings, but can’t you just throw those out and embrace other aspects of the tradition? I assume you have no trouble doing this with other holidays and ceremonies (like weddings).
MageVicky wrote:
YTA your husband's right, as a Latina, I'm offended. I assume she's not gonna have a sweet 16th, either, right? Because the historical context of the sweet 16 is the exact same, "a young woman debuting in society, looking for a husband", or is it just that it's a Latino tradition the part that bothers you? To us, a Quinceanera is just a party, just like your sweet 16 party tradition.
SiroccoDream wrote:
YTA.
Has Lexie expressly said she doesn’t want a Quince, or are you forcing your own opinions upon her? Would she love to have one because it would make her feel closer to her step father, but she doesn’t ask because she’s afraid of enraging you?
You married a man of Mexican descent, had a baby with him knowing that Quinceañeras are very important to his family, but never discussed NOT having a baby with him because you hate the patriarchal overtones of the Quince tradition…and only brought it up now? Poor Lexie and Rosie, they apparently have a mother who doesn’t want to include their opinions in their own lives!
Expensive_Pain_5987 wrote:
ESH. What are your daughter’s thoughts? Do either of them want a Quince? You made a decision without anyone’s input. That’s AH behavior. Your relatives want to make the decision without anyone’s input. That’s also AH behavior. I think both daughters have a right to give their opinion.
I was raised in an area where my friends had a Quince. A few opted not to have one but regretted it later. In most cases it’s about celebrating their birthday and culture. This is a once in a lifetime event that your daughters deserve to have their voices heard.