'AITA for offering multiple solutions to my GF’s problem, only for her to reject them?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for offering multiple solutions to my girlfriend’s problem, only for her to reject them and then blame me?"
I (19M) am at home in Bootle, while my girlfriend (19F) is at her uni accommodation in Liverpool. Tonight, around 9:20 PM, she complained about being hungry but said she had no food in. She has money but refuses to buy ingredients to cook.
I offered to send her money just in case, but she refused. I suggested she grab something quick from Tesco (like a meal deal), but she refused. I even offered to take the train to see her and bring food, but she refused that too. Lastly, I offered to pay for a food delivery—McDonald’s, KFC, Taco Bell, Boojum—but she turned them all down.
She started acting cold, then abruptly ended the call with a blunt “bye” before I could even respond. A few minutes later, she texted me: “Why am I being treated like this?” I don’t understand. I tried everything to help, and she shut down every option, only to act like I’m the bad guy. She does this often with other topics too. Am I missing something here? AITA?
Not long after posting, OP shared an update.
EDIT: Just wanted to put some info here. It’s been over a hour and she’s still saying how she’s hungry. There’s been plenty of times in the past where I’ve let her vent and she gets annoyed that I haven’t helped her or done anything.
She doesn’t do anything if I’m not there. If she wants to go on a walk she needs me. She won’t cook if I’m not there. She relies on me to be there while she completes rudimentary tasks.
The commenters did not hold back their thoughts.
Ok-Acanthacea5744 wrote:
NTA - Honestly she sounds exhausting. It's one thing to vent about troubles at work or something and just expect a kind ear, but when someone complains about something as simple as that they are hungry, but then absolutely refuses to do anything about it... that's just asinine.
weirwoodheart wrote:
Unlike a lot of Men v Women conversations like this where the men provide solutions but really, their lady just wanted to vent their emotions, this situation literally is a 'do a thing to fix it' problem. I can only presume that maybe she wanted you to say "oh that sucks you have no food in babe, why don't you feel like getting some?"
"Feeling a bit lacking energy? Something upset you so you don't wanna go out?" or something along those lines. But really, if that was the case, she needs to use her Big Girl Words and say so instead of this nonsense. NTA and honestly dude that's just tiring, I might consider if this is the girl for you.
HortenseDaigle wrote:
NTA based on OP's comments. She complains when he tries to empathize and she complains when he offers to help. She may have mood/emotional issues going on preventing her from helping herself or she could just be hangry.
Ok-Finger-733 wrote:
You are 19, you are way to young to be tied down with this kind of drama. You are in different cities, living different lives. Be free young one, move on.
The next day, OP shared another update.
EDIT 2: It’s the next day and we have talked. She said the reason she denied all my options was because she missed me and didn’t have any motivation to make food or eat. I understand that completely but she denied all my other options to get her food.
She even told me there was an other option I didn’t say and that was to come over and make food with her. But how diffident is that from what I said about getting on the train and bringing food.
The comments kept coming.
hamilhead wrote:
NTA. You provided logical solutions and multiple options. Speaking as a student, I sometimes can’t be bothered to cook - maybe encourage her to go to a nearby Iceland and get some stuff for her freezer? I highly recommend the Cathedral City mac and cheese, that way she at least has some food in no matter what.
OP responded:
She really doesn’t like frozen food. Haven’t had a cathedral city in years tho myself ahaha.
whatsername235 wrote:
NTA and I'm baffled by any judgement otherwise.
The only thing you didn't do was ask what she wanted, go out your way to buy ingredients, go and cook it and seriously inconvenience yourself.
She sounds exhausting to be with and there's really only two outcomes here. She's being difficult deliberately to get you to break up with her, or she's being difficult deliberately expecting you to drop everything. Neither ends well for you and you should know you're worth more than someone who treats you this way.
Ill-Ambassador-4495 wrote:
NTA. There’s a disconnect here where people think that men often choose to offer solutions instead of showing empathy, and that this is a conscious choice to dismiss their partners feelings. The thing you need to understand is that to most men, helping to resolve an issue that’s stressing someone out is literally how they show empathy.
They’re seen as the same thing. I don’t know whether it’s nature or nurture, but men are very practically minded and find it callous to indicate sympathy without trying to fix what’s wrong.
OP did nothing wrong, his partner needs to communicate to him that she just wants to vent and over time he would probably be able to intuit that automatically. But it’s not a defect in men that needs to be fixed, it’s just that a good relationship takes a lot of communication and learning.
teebs86 wrote:
NTA - at all. I cannot believe the comments I'm reading... When someone says they are hungry it's not that difficult. If I said to my partner I'm hungry but I refuse to cook and he said ' do you want a solution or vent?' I'd say I'm not a '19-year-old girl thats looking for a fight because whatever you say is wrong'. I'd say what I wanted to eat.