'AITA for opening my girlfriend's gift that she did not want to open? She freaked out.' UPDATED

"AITA for opening my (M28) girlfriend's (F27) gift that she did not want to open?"

My girlfriend recently had a birthday. We had a small get together at our apartment but my girlfriend feels uncomfortable opening gifts in front of people because of the pressure and all of our friends know that.

She opened them privately that evening. Two days later my parents' gift arrived. My parents are on the wealthy side and bought her a designer handbag she had been openly admiring the last time we visited. They had purchased the bag that weekend and had been saving it for her birthday. She responded a thank you before she opened it and "would let them know" when she did.

The box sat on our dresser for about two days before my parents sent a text wondering if she had opened it yet. I asked her when she would open the gift and she just shrugged and said "soon." I was also really excited to see her open this gift, I knew that it was something she really wanted.

A few more days passed, my parents checked in again about whether she had opened the gift. At this point, my girlfriend came to me and asked if I could tell my parents to back off, as she was feeling too much pressure around opening the gift and it was making her not want to open it.

I admit that I have never really understood this, and I told her that I didn't get why she wouldn't open it. My parents weren't there and all it would require is a thank you text at the very least to acknowledge it. To me, it was the exact same as our friends leaving the party before opening her gifts.

She got really frustrated with me and said "you just don't get how uncomfortable it makes me."

About a week after the gift arrived, my parents texted me outside of our group chat and asked if she liked the bag. I told them she still had not opened the gift.

They asked me if they had made her uncomfortable, if they had overstepped in any way or something. They've gotten her gifts before that have never gone over like this, I truly did not understand why she was not opening it, and at this point I thought it was border line rude to not open it and acknowledge the gift.

She went out with her friends yesterday evening and I opened the box for her, displayed the bag on the dresser so that the pressure of opening it was removed and we could just move on.

I really thought I was doing her a favor and ending this awkward situation. When she got home and saw it she was pissed. She said she had guessed it was the bag she had wanted and felt awkward knowing it was an expensive gift and that she did not feel comfortable opening it yet.

I tried to explain that she was being a bit rude putting it off, but she said it was more rude of me to open it for her. We went to bed shortly after and she was very short with me this morning. The bag is still sitting on the dresser where I left it.

So, AITA?

TL;DR: my girlfriend felt uncomfortable opening and expensive gift so I opened it for her and she got upset with me.

The commenters had a lot to say.

dart1126 wrote:

NTA. Very weird. Why would she refuse to open it in the privacy of your own home? And it sounds like days have passed since her birthday so wasn’t like the ‘I want to wait for my official birthday to open it’ which I could understand.

I completely understand you opening it out of frustration, especially because it was from your parents and you knew what it was. Generally speaking though I would consider that not cool but man this whole situation is weird and I don’t blame you one bit. But in this case you had every reason to believe she was never gonna fucking open it because why didn’t she?!?

Knowing your parents are wondering and waiting and naturally expecting a thank you. For her to deprive everyone of that is weird and so rude I can’t even express it properly. Tell her if gifts make her that uncomfortable she just made every birthday anniversary Groundhog Day that much easier because forget it she’s way too high maintenance and weird.

Curious-One4595 wrote:

ESH, but mostly your girlfriend. It is reasonable for people to not want to open gifts in front of other people. There is an element of social pressure there, and a courtesy-induced need to pretend to like it even if it misses the mark.

However, refusing to open a gift in the privacy of one's home is not reasonable, and may be indicative of deeper issues which should be resolved through professional assistance. Your girlfriend should recognize that her gift-opening anxiety has gone beyond healthy limits and she should explore why since, minor as it is, it is likely to continue interfering with her significant relationships.

As for you, OP, you should not have opened it. You should simply explained to your parents that your girlfriend has gift-opening anxiety and not to take it personally, and to be patient. If your girlfriend expresses to you that the gift was too expensive, pass that on gently so they can adjust their gift-giving next time.

forgeris wrote:

NTA, if my gf wouldn't open my parents gifts I would tell her that I will tell my parents to never gift anything to her if it makes her so uncomfortable that it affects my relationship and she doesn't deserve anything from them because she doesn't appreciate it. Then will return the gift to my parents (or to store if parents don't need it) and tell them big thanks for trying.

I would also require an explanation what exactly is happening in my gf mind and why she felt anxious so in future I could protect her mind, or if she can't explain it and keeps acting like ungrateful brat in other instances then just drop her.

I hate people who create problems from nothing and this is a problem sucked out of her finger. It is very hard to live with such people as they will create drama from pretty much everything.

OP responded:

Dude, way too much. She's not ungrateful and she's not a brat.

Unlikely-Ending wrote:

I'm going to gently suggest that your girlfriend get counseling. I don't know her background, I'm only speaking from my experience, but when you grow up struggling, it's hard to come to terms with your life when that's no longer the case.

When my husband finally finished school and started working his way up through the company, every raise paid off a little more of our debt. And then suddenly, in our 40s and right as our son was entering high school, we owned a house.

I installed cameras inside and out and hit an alarm system and every kind of insurance you can think of for this house. But if someone knocked on the door and told me that this was all a mistake, and this house wasn't really mine and I needed to leave, I would 100% believe them.

Because deep inside, I'm still that poor, struggling kid/teenager/young adult/new mom, that didn't have enough food, that moved around a lot, that maxed out credit cards so I had enough in my bank account to pay bills and could NEVER afford nice things.

Your girlfriend may have impostor syndrome. It may make her feel like she's not good enough to own something that nice. Like she doesn't deserve it. Opening it for her didn't change that. It just highlighted it.

Cool-Limit192 wrote:

I’m surprised not many people have said this already, but I’m saying YTA for a specific thing. She mentioned specifically that she was uncomfortable because she knew it was an expensive gift. You also mentioned that your parents have given her similar gifts, so it’s a pattern. Have you at all considered that she’s uncomfortable (like she has said) receiving said gifts?

I’m a bit confused. You all know she gets uncomfortable receiving gifts. So why are you getting her expensive things, knowing how she feels? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I feel like there’s a super easy fix and it’s just not getting her expensive gifts.

upfrontagency1 wrote:

Probably will get downvoted to hell but:

YTA. It seems like you don’t really understand your girlfriend. There are people who are feeling indebted as soon as they are receiving a gift and they feel the need to repay the debt by gifting something of similar value.

This happens more often with poor people as money is more present as a topic in their everyday life. Your gf seems to be of that kind. Receiving a present of a value she would not be able to repay would likely put some pressure on her. Not knowing what to do about it she left the present in the package to postpone the inevitable as far as possible.

You forced her to face the unpleasantness of to be burdened with a debt she probably would not be able to pay back. Your parents could reach out to clarify that this present is not defining a new standard but is a mere appreciation of how lovely they think she is. If you are wealthy you have to think twice about the presents you give.

beep_beep_crunch wrote:

ESH.

Parents should have left it alone. Who just ask after a gift over and over again. Maybe ask once and let it go. The person who received it will let you know. And if they don’t - they’re the rude one.

Don’t open other people’s bday gifts.

Even with all of this, your gf comes off as a person lacking understanding about social norms. Yes, your parents overstepped, but if she’d just dealt with it, there wouldn’t be a situation to begin with.

I’m familiar with the “don’t tell me what to do, because it makes me not want to do it” mentality, but that’s not something for others to get used to about you (maybe up to a point). It’s something you overcome. So she needs to work on it. It’s not a quirk. It’s not endearing. It’s rude.

The next day, OP shared an update.

I wasn't planning on updating, but there were some things in the comments I wanted to address. Most importantly, my gf and I are still together. Not once did it cross my mind that she was avoiding the gift because she wanted to break up with me.

We've been together for 3 years and are in a loving relationship. I messed up in this situation, but we'll get through it.I was raised in a polite, always send a thank you card kind of way (which is seems other people in the comments can relate to), but my parents were in no way bombarding us with texts or harassing her over this gift.

We have a group chat together, and they sent a follow up text every other day or so just wondering if she had opened it. They are definitely nosy midwestern parents, but we both know they were not coming from a place of negativity or blame or in any way trying to pressure her into something. They were genuinely excited to have been able to provide this gift for her, they have a great relationship.

Yes, my girlfriend has expressed discomfort around opening gifts before, but not in a way that indicated she doesn't like receiving them. She has told me she just hates the pressure of reacting a certain way in front of people and also thinks it can be awkward for other gift givers.

Usually, if someone gifts her something she opens it as soon as she is in private. On her birthday, I left her gift by the bed and went to get breakfast. When I came back she had opened it and was happy with it. That's why I was so confused as to why she had not opened this gift.

As f-ed as it sounds, I really did think I was helping by opening the gift. Comments have helped me realize exactly where I went wrong, but I never had the intention of manipulating her or coercing her or controlling her. I admit that I let my own desire to see her joy at the gift overshadow the true intention.

When we returned home from work yesterday, we sat down together to work it all out, starting with me apologizing for ruining her gift. She told me she had called my parents on her lunch break and thanked them. She told me she had a feeling they'd gotten her the bag after she'd been talking about it and was both excited and anxious about the cost.

She said by the time the package arrived she had gotten her hopes up and felt guilty of potential disappointment if she opened it and it wasn't the bag, and that her anxiety around it continued to build up as it sat there. She apologized to me for not being able to communicate that clearly beforehand. I do understand this, and I know that I jumped the gun a bit.

We also talked a bit around neurodivergence. I appreciate everyone who posted about their experience with anxiety/autism/OCD. It's not the first time she has been told she has autistic or OCD tendencies, though at the moment she is unsure if she wants to move forward with getting a diagnosis.

The comments kept coming.

First-Entertainer850 wrote:

Dude. I have OCD, I have anxiety. Your girlfriend’s behavior sucked and her refusal to consider getting a proper evaluation and help sucks more. What she did was really disrespectful to your parents. Gifts being a source of anxiety is certainly an explanation for her behavior, but it’s not an excuse, and you treating like it is, that’s just coddling and enabling her.

To prevent acting in a way that is hurtful and disrespectful to other people she cares about, she needs to see a professional and work on it. I have very little sympathy for people who are disrespectful, blame mental illness, but refuse to seek help.

Dragonfeet1 wrote:

I am guessing it is the last time your parents buy her a nice gift.

They spent a pile of money on it. I understand taking it home but open it when you get home in private. All they wanted to know was that their thoughtfulness and money was appreciated. It clearly wasn't.

When you love people and you're neurodivergent, if you want to keep them around, you have to learn to act like a normie, or at least near enough to not be offensive. She needs to work on this skill.

Lumpy-Jellyfish wrote:

This is kind of confusing, because it seems like your girlfriend was never going to open the gift as it was causing her major anxiety. If anything you did her right by opening it to be honest. I suggest y'all communicate this to the parents or she isn't ever getting a gift like this from your parents again.

CapOK7564 wrote:

I’m glad it worked out! I'm similar to your GF, I hate opening gifts in front of people, or getting expensive things. Therapy would do her well, if she’s open for it, just so she can work up to believing and understanding that gifts from family/friends are OKAY! If they couldn’t have afforded it, I'm sure they would’ve gotten her something else. So glad things worked out, OP, best of luck in the future!