'AITA for overreacting after learning about the true fate of my little sister's remains?' UPDATED 5X

"AITA for overreacting to learning about the true fate of my little sister's remains?"

My mother and father divorced when I was young. They had an oops baby together after my mom remarried, which rocked that marriage apart. That oops baby was my little sister. She d**d abruptly in an accident 4 years ago at only 14. You know how people say the firsts after a d**th are the hardest? They don’t account for when there's no first to be had.

When they should have been getting ready for prom but never will, it's a completely different pain. My mom and I were talking about it, we were both drinking, and she slipped that my bit of ashes I carry that I thought were my sister's were just regular ashes. Burnt wood. She already poured out my sister's ashes without me or my brother in the plot she bought with my stepdad.

She couldn't fathom my r@ge because to her, the sentiment and emotions are the important aspects, not that it's physically my sister. My anger is prompted by the lies and the fact those sentiments and emotions are attached to some thing NOT MY LITTLE SISTER, and I had no idea she cast her ashes on a plot she wouldn't have cared about.

I scre*med at her to get out of my house, locking the door behind her and calling up my stepdad to pick her up. I threw the necklace out the window to the front lawn, then regretted it and tore it out of her hands when she picked it up. As she would say it I "made a scene" and embarrassed her. I kept scre*ming and calling her a liar whenever she tried to explain herself or get back inside.

I was threatening to call the cops on her when my stepdad finally showed up and took her away. He called me the next day and left a message saying that he wanted to talk about "what happened" and how he understands why I'm angry and hurt, he just wants to talk.

He said I need to talk to my mother too about this because she's a grieving mother (emphasis his) and my sister's death was a huge blow to the entire family and everyone is trying to regain our bearings still so some kindness is needed.

All I can think of right now is my mom's heartbroken face as I ripped my necklace with my "sister's ashes" out of her hands, or the way she turned away from me crying as my stepdad ushered her into the car. I called her names, I let my pain and r*ge take over me. But I can't get over the lies.

Four years of thinking my necklace had my sister, of thinking she was right by my heart, and it all came undone because my mom had too much to drink. How long would she have let me think this? How long would the lie continue?

Comments quickly came in.

CenterofChaos wrote:

Yea your mother is grieving. But you, her very living child, are too. Having your mother lie to you about something important is going to get an emotional reaction. What you do is up to you. But I wouldn't let her frame this as embarrassing her or that she's a victim in any way. She lied about it, she got dr*nk and tattled on herself, these are the consequences of her own actions.

OP responded:

It was an absolute mistake on her part that she even said it. We were talking about prom season and how hard it can be to be reminded of things that my sister would have loved. Then she started to say "I start crying before I even reach the cemetery sometimes" and she named it by name.

I started flipping then and was like "what cemetery? Why that cemetery?" in a sort of why are we talking about cemeteries when we're talking about her way. I kept pushing her for an explanation and that's when the whole thing came out.

Acmcshepherd wrote:

A recurring theme I see online is that the person that lied/started the problem/was the reason, is claiming that somehow the person who is mad embarrassed them. No, they embarrassed themselves by their initial actions.

Okay, I’m sure she is devastated by this loss, and that’s understandable, but that’s still not an excuse for lying about something this important, and even worse to then tell the truth, and expect you to just be, eh, it’s ok no worries. NTA.

MadMuppetJanice wrote:

I don’t know if this will help or not, but I had a patient tell me a similar story she had a locket of sorts with her brother’s ashes in it, I met her through the said “break down” that followed. (They called an ambulance) I told her before dropping her off to go where he was sprinkled and put the dirt in the locket.

Some of him would be in that. She seemed to like that idea. I never saw her again to find out if it helped. You might try that OP. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my sister.

Glowwey wrote:

Everyone was grieving though. How do you even justify throwing your daughter’s ashes without her sibling’s knowledge. And giving them wood ashes? Lies after lies. She took away from you guys and a chance to properly say goodbye and grieve. Now you’re grieving all over again. Forgive me for saying this, and hope it’s not harsh, but it’s like she k-led ur sister again and your back to square one.

Now your sister’s ashes is in some plot of land. And yall didn’t even know till now. I would not just be mad and hysterical. I’d go no contact after this BS. What are u suppose to do now? Kiss the plot of god knows where she dumped your sister’s ashes?

The way she just chose random plot to throw it tho…I just can’t. And she’s the one who needs comfort? NO. NTA! Was she being kind or thought or considerate when she gave some random ash to replace ur sister? NO!!!

A week later, OP shared an update.

I gave my mother an ultimatum of either telling my brother and father, or I will. She refused to, because "you reacted so horribly." And she told me not to tell because "You're doing this to hurt me and you're just going to hurt them." So I told them. I sat my dad and brother down and explained that the necklaces didn't have the right ashes in them.

I've never seen my dad break like that, and I've never heard my brother scr*am at me like that. He was angry that I knew before him and didn't immediately tell because "this is s#$t you tell me, you needed to tell me, we tell each other everything!", but he started crying and apologizing to me, admitting he's just so mad about what Mom did and he can't handle it.

So I guess that's clearly something else me and my brother share, we get overwhelmed initially before cooler heads prevail. My dad looked gutted but he was clearly trying to piece himself back together.

He said a lot of the same other people had said to me on my other post: "we can get some of the dirt from the plot where she was scattered, the necklace has the meaning we attribute to it and she's still with us even if her body hasn’t been physically with us."

I feel bad because some of it my mom said (ie the bit about the necklace being important even without her ashes in it) but I was able to accept that much easier from him.

Maybe because he didn't lie to me for four years and drop a bomb on me out of nowhere because I pulled apart a lie. He held my brother and I as we cried, and he apologized for the pain, and he said it wasn't fair that I had to be the adult when my mother should have told all of us a lot sooner.

Dad's going to try to talk to my step-father to find the plot because my mom has been refusing to talk to us anymore, not answering messages or picking up the phone. Her social media has even gone dark. He's going to find out where the plot is and go to the site. I don't know if I could if it were up to me.

It just feels like the final bit of proof that this fucked up nightmare is real and my sister is mixed with dirt and rocks and grass of an unmaintained and unvisited plot. My mom and I always had some issues, but that's normal. This is worse than anything, and we had a rough patch when I came out that we didn't even talk, but we mended fences after.

I can't see ever forgiving her, not with how she dropped this on me, blamed me for my reaction, and left me to do what she should have done. To top it off, she won't even show the decency to explain why or even talk to me. When we were discussing cremation, it was agreed we would all get a necklace with the ashes.

My mind keeps going over things that just didn’t add up fully, times she almost slipped or things that make complete sense now. She almost left behind her necklace on a trip and didn't freak out like I would have, because she knew where my sister was the whole time. She volunteered to be the one to separate the ashes and gave dad "the rest". I assume those ashes are the same as ours, fake.

God this whole thing just makes me want to curl up in a hole and never see the light of day again. I've been on and off crying all week without being able to stop, or just so angry I could scream. In the middle of my damn workday and suddenly I'm rushing to the bathroom to hide the fact I'm breaking all over again because I can't stop my thoughts.

I quit smoking after my sister died but I picked it right back up again. My dad has been calling me every day to check in on me and remind me of how much he loves me and how much my brother loves me. I think he's afraid. My brother has come over each day since the talk with his girlfriend to make sure I eat something.

I don't know how to end this post. I feel lost and like I don't know anything anymore. I feel like a burden because my dad and brother are both dealing with the revelation too but they're clearly thinking of me and checking in on me. I'm going to look into grief counseling but the therapist I saw after my sister died isn't practicing anymore and my insurance isn't accepted by a lot of therapists.

I try to remind myself that my little sister wouldn't have minded so much becoming woven into a tapestry of grass and flowers, and that I can visit her once we know where she was cast and make sure her site is always beautiful. Thank you to everyone that helped me and shared their own perspectives and stories. I really appreciate it.

The internet was invested in the update.

Ms_PlapPlap wrote:

You mentioned she said the cemetery's name when she tattled on herself? Can you call and ask about the plot? It's probably under your mother's or your sister's name. Then you can visit and not have to go through your mother at all.

OP responded:

It's my mother and step-father's plot. If trying through my step father fails, I'll try that. I didn't think I could just call up and say "is there an empty plot sectioned for the so and so family" but it's worth trying.

CarefulSignal7854 wrote:

That’s really f#$ked up what your mum did. And I would like to say the only reason she doesn’t “understand” how you feel is because she knows where your sister's ashes are and she knows she can visit them at anytime.

FamilyGuy421 wrote:

I am head of a cemetery commission. Just call them up. We don’t care about drama, just information. The best of luck to you.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. That means a lot.

Agreeable-League-366 wrote:

I knew she was going to make you tell. It's all about her. How she felt. She didn't care about how the rest of the family felt. She has shown how incredibly selfish she is. I'm sure if you think back she has manifested this in other ways. When she wants something she will try to communicate with you again.

Have your eyes wide open about this and then make the choice that protects you. I'd recommend just letting her go. She's unable to give to you anything you need. One way relationships just sap away from you. Stay safe.

_Trinith_ wrote:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I felt so crushed for you after I read the first one, and I’m so glad to know that you have the support of the rest of your family in this. If you live in the US, psychology today is an amazing website for finding counselors/therapists. You can search by specialty, whether or not they’ll do virtual appointments, and what insurance they take.

Among a lot of other things. It’s worth looking at. Maybe there’s an equivalent in your country if you’re outside the US. My sister and I planted our dad underneath an elm tree, off to the side of a trail on his favorite mountain to hike. We feel like, as the tree grows, dad will nourish it. Some of the things trees can store as they grow is wild.

Including human dna. You can google it. And he’ll be a part of everything that’s growing there. Your sister is in the grasses, the wildflowers (because while those are probably seasonal, they will drop seeds, and she’s in those too), definitely any trees or bushes. She’s nourishing part of what is likely a beautiful ecosystem.

It doesn’t change the devastation of not having her actual ashes. I can’t even tell you how badly I’d be holding up in your position, but when I self destruct I don’t do it by halves. My friends and family would be absolutely terrified. But it’s…something of a consolation prize in a way? You can’t see, or feel, or touch her directly. But I believe she’s still there in a way. Just like my dad’s in that elm.

Two weeks later, OP shared another update.

This has probably been the worst month of my life in years. I'm going to start with the minor stuff that's been happening or whatever because my head just feels like a brick. I got a promotion I'd been aiming for before everything. My boss did tell me I had already got it before this all happened and it was held off on announcing so I could have time to process before I had to adjust to the new job requirements.

I couldn't even feel proud. I know a month ago I would have but I feel numb. I'm working a lot more hours now than normal, usually about 6am to 7pm, give or take. Paycheck looks nice I guess. My dad keeps telling me I need to work less, so does my brother, but my job is one that engages my mind enough that I'm nearly brain dead by the time I’m home which is nice.

I'm non-binary and prefer they/them pronouns but she/her are not offensive. Realized belatedly that people were calling me that. I started drinking more than usual. After blacking out one night I let my dad take it all and I haven’t bought more. I don’t think I've ever gotten blackout before so it's terrifying to hear about the night but have barely any recollection of it.

About my sister: My mother finally responded to my brother, and according to him she was a wreck. All tears. All apologies. All "You have to understand!" There must be something wrong with me because I look at her and I want to hurt her. I want to break her heart, I want to make a spectacle of her disgusting behavior, I want to ruin her life.

I think part of me recognizes that's why I'm not so overly cautious about details, but at the same time I can't do it. The rational part of my mind kicks in and I realize that it wouldn't do anything but make it worse. I'd just feel guilty and sick after the brief moment of satisfaction. But then I think to myself, "So how and why could you do that to us? For years?"

Her and my brother had a much better relationship than her and I ever did. She still did that to him. Like yeah, Dad and her never got better after the divorce, and after the affair they struggled with even coparenting for a multitude of reasons. Her and I have had our issues. But the bond between her and my brother has always been strong, or at least used to be, and she did it to HIM of all people.

She tried telling my brother that she did it impulsively, in a fit of pique, but when he pressured her about why she was the one to volunteer to handle filling the necklaces, she said that it was because she was okay with it at first but then when she saw the ashes, she didn’t want to "destroy" her further. Her word, there. Destroyed.

Like the relationship between her living children? Like our trust in her? Like the memorial we agreed upon for my sister? I don't know how to feel. If I even trust her story. But her wording makes me feel like it was planned. God yet again it becomes an accidental revelation, where she tried to uphold a lie but got caught and that's how the truth came to light.

I managed to talk to the funeral director. My sister's fingerprints are part of their records. I'm going to get her touch tattooed, but I found a means of getting that on a necklace so my brother and dad can have that if they don't want a tattoo. Still struggling to get in contact with the owners of the cemetery. A lot of unanswered emails and voicemails.

I've also been looking for therapists and counselors in my area, or ones doing telehealth. I have an appointment upcoming but I'm nervous. My stepfather has stepped back. He set a boundary that he won't talk to us until we agree to discuss this without "blaming anyone" and anytime the conversation starts going toward asking about motive or who knew what and when, he says the conversation needs to end.

He's even hung up on us before and threatened the cops on me, even implying it'd be deserved after I did the same to my mother. EDIT: I tried Findagrave and she's not there, same for my mother and step dad.

The comments kept coming.

Responsible-End7361 wrote:

Suggest you tell stepdad "OK, fine. But my mother better not try to contact me in any way for anything else until the ashes issue is fully resolved, so tell her she is now down 2 kids, maybe 3."

Magerimoje wrote:

Regarding contacting the cemetery - leave a voicemail saying you want to purchase a plot. If anyone listens to the voicemail, they'll usually call back ASAP for a sale. When they call back, tell them you want to purchase a plot near your parents and give your mom & step dad's names and ask what their plot numbers are.

Once you have the plot numbers,hang up and block their number so they can't keep calling trying to sell you shit you definitely do not want. But that might get the info faster. This is how I found the location of my infant cousin. Also, some cemeteries have plot numbers and location maps online now. Worth checking.

CavyLover123 wrote:

Your stepfather is trash. F#$k him. Your mother sounds mentally unhinged. Just unstable and looney. And not a safe person to have a relationship of any sort with. Also, don’t feel bad about pouring yourself into work. This early period you just get by however you can. If that’s work- distractions are fine. Particularly if you’re prone to rumination.

If it feels like it’s all bottled and building up- then work isn’t enough and you need to get some support. Friends therapy support groups religion mediation whatever works for you. But there’s no defined timeline for any of this. You grieve and go numb at your pace how you need to. Glad to hear you stepped away from drinking! You’ll get through this. Sending you hugs. 🤗

Minute_Box3852 wrote:

What? Is your stepfather your mother's keeper? He doesn't get to dictate conversations that have nothing to do with him. In the future, if I were you and your brothers, I'd make it crystal clear any future communication will NOT involve him since he's mister wannabe alpha male enough to think he can decide when a conversation is over.

awkward_enby wrote:

You're better than me OP cause I would do everything in my power to hurt her more. I'd make sure there were legal documents drawn up in the even of my death that she would not be allowed to handle my remains in any way shape or form. I'm sorry you're family is going through this. I hope you find closure.

A month later, OP shared another update.

I wish I could give good news but there’s not been much and I haven’t had much time besides working. I’m just going to keep on doing whatever this is so long as there’s not a problem.

I went to therapy. I tried a few sessions, and I’m so grateful she worked with me to get me on her books, but she wasn’t helpful for me. I wasn’t clicking with her and I felt unheard. I’m still on the hunt for a therapist. I feel very entitled saying that. My father is not as well as he wants to pretend. He is so focused on fixing this for us that he has to have lost sight of himself.

I hate seeing him like this. My brother is angry. I have never in my life seen him so mad or heard him say such horrific things about our mother and step father. We are all just existing, it seems. My brother tried the plot hack idea. The cemetery is full. They’re not accepting new burials. I tried as well and couldn’t get even the plot numbers.

I got so angry I was crying. I didn’t take it out on them, as it’s not the cemetery’s fault I can’t manage my emotions, but it was absolutely crushing to come across yet another block. Our mother still won’t really talk to me, with one choice exception event, and even my brother is touch and go in conversation with her.

She’s so quick to shut everything down. The exception is this: My mother offered to let me purchase the plot from her. She said I can share it with my brother and this way we can be buried together where our sister is. She phrased it like she was giving me some sort of peace offering, or paying me a favor.

All total costs together, the liner, the plot, the headstone, the permits (because our state requires one for such sales), the care, will be over $9,500. Her and my step father are willing to forgo the cost of the headstone to make it easier for my brother and I, to make up for us not being there for the scattering.

No mention about how Dad wasn’t there either. No true “sorry”, just what amounts to “if you want access to your sister, pay me for the privilege”. I want to say she doesn’t intend it this way, I want to agree with my step father that this is her attempt to reconcile so I should meet her halfway.

I can’t keep doing this. I want to put this behind me somehow. I want to forget about the plot. I want to forget about my mother entirely. It feels like it would be easier to completely cut her out, make peace with what I have of my sister, and never, ever think of my mother again.

I feel like a horrible child thinking that way, and my step father’s attitude doesn’t help that feeling. I tried explaining I just want some of the dirt from the plot for part of a memorial but my step dad started threatening to sell it back to the cemetery because “clearly nothing else will satisfy you."

My brother and I are in agreement that it’s a baseless threat especially if they really did cast her ashes there, because our mother would never do that and then separate from the plot. We both know even if we buy it from her, she’ll visit our sister still.

I can’t help the concern that she did something else with the ashes than we think and what she’s let on, like that the cemetery is unrelated and she was somehow clever enough to keep up or think up a convoluted lie when dr-nk. I keep looking at my bank account. My brother doesn’t want to buy it off her, I don’t think, but he’s also still furious at the offer so I don’t want to say he doesn’t.

He means well, I think, but anytime I try to broach the offer, he starts in about how we’re making our own memorial and that her offer is needlessly cruel, so I shouldn’t entertain it. I could afford it, if I shuffled some bills around and worked more. Almost for peace of mind I want to say yes and take the offer.

She gave me a deadline. I still have a bit of time but it doesn’t feel like enough.

My Dad has taken over trying to figure out the legalities of this situation, what he can do to force her hand to share where the plot is or what he can do to make things better. He’s fit to be tied.

He’s doing what he can, looking into what legal avenues we can pursue and what can be done to force her to give the location. It seems like we don’t have many options. It doesn’t feel right or fair. He keeps saying what my brother has said, trying to reassure me, but I can’t not think of it. I’m not sleeping much these days. I think the only thing going well in my life is my work and I still haven’t had anything to drink.

I think maybe the next option we can try would be letting the cemetery know ashes were illegally spread on their grounds, but what will they do in response? I know I’m being paranoid and catastrophizing when I fear that they’ll do something to clean my sister from the plot, or take it away from my mother and I won’t be able to access it.

So I guess the update is everything is as f-ked up as it has been since that stupid night with my mother. I do want to address the outpouring of support everyone here has given me. It has meant the world to me, and given me a place of stability and external perspective where my current life is far too close to provide that. Thank you all.

People had a lot to say in response.

ElehcartheFirst wrote:

I'm so sorry.

Your mother is awful. And you're not going to get closure if you buy the plot from her. Because your mother is going to find other ways to t-ture you.

You are not a bad child for wanting to cut off contact with her. If you were a bad child, you feel gleeful about doing it. I don't think your relationship with your mother Is salvageable. And I think she's a horrible horrible person for doing this to you and your brother and yes... She is forcing you to pay for the privilege of knowing where she states she scattered the ashes.

I don't think she did it there. I think she is seriously mentally ill and after you purchase it from her, she will come up with another story of what she did with the ashes. I want to tell you something that helped me. And I don't know if this will help you. But all matter goes back into the universe.

And every breath you take, every gaze at the stars or the sky...you're seeing your sister. Your sister is all around you. Where her ashes are...it's not her. Your mother is forcing you to go through the second loss. But every time you feel that calming breeze, every time you see that twinkling Star, every tickle of pollen in your nose. Start to think of that as your sister.

I'm an atheist so I'm not trying to say anything paranormal or supernatural. What I'm saying is her matter - the essence of who she was - never left. You cannot destroy matter. So she is around you. She's just around you as carbon and hydrogen and helium and oxygen and all The other elements. I wish all the best for you.

OP responded:

A lot of me recognizes that it is pure symbolism at this point. Maybe even before then. But it aches and I struggle to deal with that. Maybe the next therapist I try will help with that.

Prudii_Skirata wrote:

Your sister is gone, physically, but you have your memories and you need to make that enough. Your mother and step-father have souls of dog shit and they will use your deep want for something more tangible and physical to hold onto control over you with a white-knuckle grip.

You need to let go of the physical to be free of them. My own mother wanted to be buried near trees, because she found peace in the sound of wind moving through the leaves. Once she was in hospice care and tripping on pain meds, my old man convinced her to go with cremation.

He stole her urn from me to try and keep control over the family and maintain himself as patriarch and his house as the seat of power for get-togethers. When none would bend to his ego or tolerate his uppity new wife, they scattered Mom's ashes without telling any of us where it happened, or even that it was happening.

We were all informed afterwards, in a Facebook post. The only peace I could make with it was to just choose a place I associate with my Mother and good memories, tell myself that is where she would be and let that be enough. Anything else would keep me chained to the will of a soulless AH instead of cutting him off and being free of him for all of time.

chez2202 wrote:

Tell your mother you are willing to buy the plot from her and get her to have the contract drawn up. She will have to put the plot number on it. When she sends you the contract to sign you will have the information you need.

Don’t sign it or hand over any money. Just go to the cemetery, speak to the administrators there and show them the paperwork. They will have to tell you where the plot is and if she owns it and is legally able to sell it to you.

Then tear it up and send it back to her and go visit your sister, plant something she would like and get your soil. If she refuses to give you a contract to sign before you hand over the money you will know that she is lying and that your sister’s ashes are not there.

Conscious-Survey7009 wrote:

You need to let the cemetery know what she did. It is illegal. I’ve said that since the first post. Also, you can get a tree planted in a park near you, your brother and father with a plaque that says “in memory of and her info”. We did it after my SIL passed away.

Her tree has a bench beside it and overlooks the water. We know where she is interred but this is where the whole family goes to remember her. We plant flowers around the tree in the spring and hang a couple ornaments on it in the winter.

We go as family several times a year but also alone on walks to sit and remember or even talk to her. It means more to us all than where her ashes are interred. Doing this may help bring you three some peace and a place to go remember. Keeping you all in my thoughts and hoping you can memorialize her on your terms and peacefully.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

Me again for the fourth time. Sorry. I know I've been posting a lot and will move somewhere else if it's unwanted, it's just been very helpful to post here and work through it. Around a month back my boss pressured me into not working Saturday like usual.

I wasn't (still not) used to having nothing to do on Saturday anymore. I went to the park. It was overcast and muggy and gross from rain. My sister would have been complaining and asking to go to a restaurant instead and people watch there.

I probably looked like a creep while my mind raced. It was something to do. The deadline my mother gave me weighed like the sword of Damocles and I felt anxious and angry every time I thought about it or noticed the date. It was consuming me. I lost my sister. I lost my mother and stepfather. I think I lost my mind. But I haven't lost my brother. I haven't lost my father. I have a steady job I enjoy.

So I stopped trying to talk to my mom. I let the deadline pass. She started reaching out to me instead. First just calls but not leaving a message, and texts asking if I was at home or if I can call her. Then her Facebook posts about isolation causing mental illness in the elderly and the voicemails from my stepfather asking me to open the door to communication and reconciliation.

Then she started calling me at work, or in the middle of the night, and the one time I picked up because I didn't check the caller ID, she immediately told me to stop being cruel. I hung up and blocked them both.

My stepfather came to my door with a box, waiting there for ten minutes before he left it behind, as per a neighbor who noticed and was concerned about a stranger on my doorstep.

It was full of a bunch of pictures and junk I made for her when I was a child. Stupid school level arts crafts. I burned them all. It was strangely cathartic, like I took my first breath after being under water. She tried using dad to pass along messages to me.

My dad refused her immediately, asked me what I was planning to do and how I was feeling, and when I said I was done with her, he joined in with that too. So did my brother, mostly. He commented on one of her passive aggressive "this generation doesn't know how to take care of their families" posts by hinting toward the grave, but nothing else.

It's been almost two weeks now since she last tried to speak to me. I'm trying to just consider her and the ashes gone, just like my sister is, and focus on the memories and how I can honor my sister as she was. I recently started with a new therapist and he's been helpful so far but it's early on.

At least I feel a little less disconnected from him like I did the previous one. He specializes in grief and trauma. Therapy is as difficult as I remember it. It's hard to process the fact I'm dealing with her loss again, recontextualized with such a deliberate betrayal, but also the loss of the relationship and trust I had with my mom. It was never perfect, but it's hard for a kid not to want that bond with their parent.

It's even harder to realize how deep the lies went over the years and how it continues. I find myself wondering if she's crazy from grief or if she never loved me. I've set aside $2,000 into a separate bank account and every time I buy myself something nice, or spend the money on my family, or anything like that, I use that account.

My brother and dad and I plan to go on a trip to the campground my sister loved and I got the reservations. I bought some flowers. I went to the restaurant that her and I used to go to and it felt like she'd just left the room and would be back any minute. In an inexplicable way, she kind of is.

Having this money set aside is kind of forcing me to do something with the money other than focus on the plot and her ashes. I'm trying to work less but that's almost the hardest part. I'm averaging 70-75 hours a week still, because it does help a lot to be able to do something I am good at, enjoy, and keeps my mind occupied.

My sister would often try to use her minimal amount of fun money on us (mom, dad, stepfather, me and my brother) and her friends before she would even think about herself. She was a big giver. She would use money she got for chores and from her own birthday and Christmas to make Father's Day, Mother's Day, our birthdays and Christmases special.

She'd always have extra on her to buy something for her classmates who were hungry or thirsty. I used to lecture her about her spending because of it. I also used to sneak extra money into her little bank and I'm sure she realized but basically the point is it almost feels like I'm channeling her with this.

How she would want to try to get me a new sketchbook before she bought the book she'd been talking about for months, and she would absolutely not want me to buy the plot. She'd hate it if I did and tell me not to even think about it. I don't know how I haven't washed away by crying but I'm crying again. I'm ending this post here. Thank you again to everyone. It means a lot.

The comments kept coming in.

FindingFit6035 wrote:

You're on the of healing, you your brother and dad and you all have one another. Your mom has not only lost one child but now she's lost all of them because of her actions.

OP responded:

It's sad but I don't know if she even realizes that yet. I get the impression she thinks that she can wait us out for us to see her side, or that she can somehow find the right cheat code to unlock our forgiveness and understanding.

My_friends_are_toys wrote:

Your sister sounds awesome.

OP responded:

She was growing into such an amazing human being with such potential. I know everyone says that. But she actively worked toward making the world around her better, at being kind to people who didn't get that grace, and the more she grew up, the more she was able to act on her selflessness and generosity.

The more she was able to express her intelligence and compassion, the more she could show the world what was about to rock it. And then like a bubble popping, that was all gone. Just silence. Emptiness. So yes. She was awesome.

JustAsICanBeSoCruel wrote:

It will get better little by little, the more time passes that your mother is out of your life. The anger you feel won't fully go away, but you in a sense 'get used to it' to where it doesn't affect you as much.

A scar will form over the wounds on your heart, and then she and all of this won't hit you so hard and there won't be any more tears.

What your mother did, and what she continued to do, was selfish because she is a selfish person. You can't fix that.

She will never learn. She will never regret what she did. She does what she wants to do simply because she wants to. There is no reasoning with people like that, and so the less you have to do with them, the better. I'm so sorry you are having to be so strong to go against your mother.

Some of us just draw the f-ing short stick in that regard, but you are doing perfectly. She might never stop giving up - she's lost control of you, and if anything, she'll only hang on more bitterly because she is desperate for that control back - but it will become easier and easier for you to walk away as time goes on. You are strong. You will be okay.

Over four months later, OP shared another update.

It's been some time since I last posted here or elsewhere (and my last post on my profile was not wonderful.) I don't realistically think I'll need or want to update again after this but I do plan to keep the account because I've also been lurking in grief forums which has been a big help too.

I just know I posted a lot, sorry. Said it once before but it has been really helpful to have this community's support. It was actually really surprising and reassuring, it helped a lot to feel less like I was to blame for it all. I have my sister's fingerprints.

I had to call again and again and I felt terrified they would be like my mother, but the person I spoke to was so incredibly apologetic for not having delivered sooner. It was kind of nice, in a selfish way, to have someone apologize for not following through on a promise to me. Dad also found a footprint of hers in clay from when she was a baby, one of few things my mother let him have.

Working on finding a tattoo artist now. I'm not dead and I'm sober since f--king up again in August. (Tomorrow marks 100 days.) Dad is doing great, he spends a lot of time at a community center that has scheduled events and outings for older people to get together, and my brother is engaged to his girlfriend.

She's wonderful, she makes him a happier person, and she has a knack of reading people and making you feel like she's always genuinely happy to see you. I think in the coming months I might see if she wants to spend some time together too, to bond. It might be nice to know her better and spend time one on one.

My mother showed up to visit me September 14th. I let her in. She actually admitted she was wrong; didn't stay that track, of course not, but she lead with that hook. The first words out of her mouth were an apology. "I'm so sorry I hurt you with her ashes." She even seemed like she meant it at first.

I told her I didn't want to talk about anything to do with my sister then she boundary stomped (I AM learning from therapy, I'm just slow and dumb) she started guilt tripping me, weeping about how this whole time she was always just trying to make things right but we couldn't come to a reasonable compromise.

When she did it she couldn't get over her own pain and she was sorry, and "life is finite but a mother's love for EACH of her children is infinite, I let my pain overwhelm showing you that love," and how she kept trying to find a way to fix what she said to me so thoughtlessly.

I believe her admitting it was thoughtless but I don't believe the situation was thoughtless. She offered to separate the ashes and she lied for years with many chances to come clean. But she said her attempts to mend things kept falling through and we wouldn't help her find a solution "for us all to have what we wanted."

I didn't ask for elaboration. Call me stupid I let it go even though I am more certain than ever that she did something less than legal with my sister's ashes. I'm actually really proud of how I handled her apology, how it compares to how I would have just accepted it before; thanking her for it but not forgiving or absolving her.

She didn't seem to notice I never said anything like "It's okay" or "I forgive you" or even "I understand." I didn't bring up the plot or ashes again. I let myself not quite pretend we were fine, like this never happened, but I just tried to see if I could even stand to be around her anymore. We just sat together and talked about banal, unimportant things and her work and what she's been up to.

Other than stringing me and my brother along about our sister's remains. I even hugged her. I ruminated over that hug, that whole visit, for a while after. I have the vocabulary now to know she was hoovering me, deliberately trying to get me to come back into her sphere of influence so she could control me and get whatever it is she gets out of my emotional distress, but in the moment I was stupid.

When she was leaving I promised her that I would call more, but I wasn't ready to keep seeing her in person again. She did not like that I didn't let her come back in my life without any sort of barriers or limits.

She refused to understand, she had banked on this working on me: coming over unannounced against my wishes, empty promises that she loved me, and unsubtly blaming me for the fact she refuses to tell me the full story or take accountability. Unfortunately it would have before. Again, shit night all around but proud that I learned better.

She told me "keeping yourself alone is an ugly way to live, you'll regret it later" and how my sister would hate how I'm destroying the family over a mistake that she has tried many times to fix, how it was a mistake made by a mother suffering a loss I will never understand, and we all stood together after her death but I have single-handedly ruined everyone’s healing process.

I know ultimately my reaction gave her exactly what she wanted, a chance to play the victim because her child called her horrible things when she was "just trying to make amends."

My response then was like projectile vomit but curses and vulgarity and sheer cruelty, calling her words I have never once in my life uttered before. I told her she has been ruining our lives ever since she broke things off with Dad, that she apparently loves shaking people up and squeezing them for her own entertainment and satisfaction.

How she is a horrible human being that I wished never procreated because she has done nothing but bring misery into this world, the only good thing to come of her was reduced to dirt and rainwater because of her own selfishness.

Things from previous years came up, big and small. The time when I came out. My first serious boyfriend that she freaked out over and made disgusting comments to. My track meet that she missed in favor of screwing around with my current step-father. The fact she treated me like an inferior back-up to my brother.

Every single time she made me feel small in comparison to her love for herself. Again I feel like an idiot: I danced to her tune, one way or another, and gave her a reaction that validated her feeling of being the REAL victim. I can picture it now: "Can you believe my ungrateful, evil child? Yelling at me and cursing at me for apologizing for a little misunderstanding."

At this point I doubt she would bother gendering me right though. She ended up slamming my door on my hand, threatening to pour her ashes down the drain. I followed her to her car and just kept screaming.

I have never felt such rage and irrational panic flow through me. She drove off and I haven't entertained her BS since. She IS still trying, but I know I have to wait it out. My therapist likened it to a toddler used to crying and getting a cookie, now doing it repeatedly in hopes that the cookie will come.

The longer I deny her the cookie, the more likely she is to give up and search out another source of the emotional boost she gets out of it because I made it too much effort to try to get it out of me. Pretty sure that has already happened with my brother, since she nosed around to ask what he was up to and I know my brother's tendencies and the way he's felt toward her ever since this began.

During the fight I started experiencing some palpitations and vertigo, as well as breathlessness and fatigue and eventually later on nearly passing out. But I ignored it then because I was angry and focused on the fight, then later because it was only intermittent and I never actually completely passed out. Also I didn't want to bother with it or deal with it and frankly didn't care.

I cared about my job, my work, I cared about my brother and father, I really didn't have it in me to care about an issue with my heart. It was at the point I debated canceling my yearly check up. Thought process was a little like if there was anything wrong I didn't want to find it, not sure if I wanted it to get to the point of no return or just didn't want one more thing to go wrong.

Been through a few therapists at this point, to the point I wondered if I just don't want to feel better or put the work in to fix myself, but the one at the time he hinted that it could be considered passive suicidal ideation and that therefore I was a risk to myself.

Pretty much a false threat but enough to push me. So I agreed to go to the doctor, but unfortunately had a minor incident beforehand and had to go to the emergency room.

Stress induced cardiomyopathy. Basically I literally worked myself up so much for so long my heart said "I want to have a temper tantrum too." Honestly in the end it wasn't that bad, sounds worse than it was, looked more than it was, because some lifestyle changes and medicine were enough. Time off work, reduced hours when I came back. No smoking.

My dad's still been calling to check in often and to chit chat but he's not doing it daily anymore and it's not like a big thing anymore, we're just talking. And my brother and his fiance have "just happened" to be in the area a dozen times since. But I do appreciate it when they come by, or dad does, because it's more fun to cook for them than just one person and my house is less quiet.

The neighbor that called 911 for me never really treated me any different, not about her having to do that for me, not about the fact I've had two very loud and messy confrontations that disturbed the peace.

I'm grateful for it. She came by with herbal tea and ready meals for me a couple times for the first few weeks and a jar opener to let me borrow, then surprised me with one of my own. But she didn't fuss over me or act like there was an elephant in the room either.

She just treated me as normal. I appreciated it so much but didn't know how to phrase my gratitude without feeling inadequate because I'm ashamed of my issue with my mother leaking into spaces where others could have overheard, but I settled for starting to bake. I used to love it. So for while I was just dropping these packages of brownies and cookies at her doorstep like a weirdo.

Thankfully she's not allergic to anything or diabetic so it wasn't as if I were repaying her kindness with something harmful. I felt weird singling her out so I also made some stuff for my other neighbors and my dad and brother and sister-in-law. Dad used to joke when I got in a baking mood I was trying to fatten them up, but he hasn't.

He's just said it's nice to see me acting a bit more like myself.

It's selfish of me and shows how self absorbed I am that I didn't know the family across the street was struggling until I delivered some to them, so I started giving them actual meals too instead of just sugar.

At first I was afraid I was intruding but they haven't told me to back off since and it's been some time since I started. It's been nice talking to him too about his struggle taking care of his wife and kids, or getting him to go out for some time with his buddies or getting some one on one time with his kids so caregiver fatigue doesn't get to him.

Or spending some normal hang-out time with her like watching movies, or helping do her makeup and nails because it's hard for her to leave the house, or cleaning the house up or grocery shopping, or helping with the boys.

I say helping with the kids but mostly just supervised distractions for them or getting them out of their hair for a little bit of time. It feels weird being leaned on by people outside my family. I'm not good at grieving, or stress, I didn't handle either right, I'm not good at emotions and I'm still drowning some days, but I help where I can and I'm just glad that it's actual help. Plus the kids are cute.

The older one is delightfully opinionated about things like what blankets go with which sheets and which pillow needs to be in what order, and he enjoys playing games where he can boss me around and make a story, and the younger one was shy at first but now screams hello whenever he sees me and doesn't hesitate to tell me all about what I missed since the last time I saw him, every second.

I decorated for Halloween and even dressed up. It felt strangely nostalgic even though it was the first time for me doling out candy instead of trick or treating or doing nothing at home. I didn't get all too many kids at first, but then I lost track of time and the kids and suddenly my bowl was empty.

My across the street neighbors came through and I don't know how to put it. I know the kids are dressed up but it kind of surprised me how many kids and parents I recognized and how many recognized me as they came by, but especially how positively they seemed to react?

I don't know. Makes me feel like I'm actually part of the neighborhood. It isn't like I was some recluse in the neighborhood before, but I didn't reach out much to others and when this mess started I was basically ignoring them.

It was kind of nice to feel like they might actually enjoy having me as a neighbor.

Taking down the decorations was less fun than putting them up but I think I want to go bigger next year or see if there's anything in the community for events that maybe I could volunteer my time toward.

If I remember right the theater used to run a few plays during October and the proceeds went to one of the high school's drama club. I knew the more family oriented holidays would be difficult so I started preparing early.

Getting a game plan in place with my current therapist (who is still not the best fit but feels more like what I need even if what she says is not what I want to hear), brother and dad, planning who to visit and when, how to handle any Mom Related Events, things to do to distract myself, just making plans in general. But in the end I ate dinner with my family and it was lovely.

My brother and his fiance hosted. It was a good time. I haven't laughed that much or spent time with my family in such a relaxed environment in a long time. I could breath. I brought by some food to my neighbors across the street and a little gift basket each for both kids, and invited my next door neighbor over for pie and to join me in Christmas tree shopping the day after.

(Christmas itself is going to be hard. I know it. I could go on about why, and how the camaraderie and goodwill and the feel-good-ness of everyone being together made it her favorite holiday. This is already so long.)

My mother's husband apparently showed up at my house on thanksgiving per next door neighbor and dropped off a plate of food and a jar of cranberry sauce with a note. I threw it all out. I plan to talk to my therapist about it and to realistically plan on what I want to do about the fact she and her husband keep dropping by my house.

My brother is just so happy with his fiance, and she's genuinely a kind, funny person who just suits him and he lights up around her. She asked if I would help with dress shopping (which is the ultimate proof she's a sweetheart, I'm as fashionable as a potato sack so she's only asking out of the kindness of her heart to invite me into an important part of her wedding preparation, which truly I'm grateful for).

Plus she's thinking of going back to finish her degree before marrying and listening to how my brother talks about her passion and drive and every other positive quality he admires is really sugary sweet, rot your teeth.

I know they fight, everyone does, but they do handle those fights in a way I honestly have high hopes for them. My brother and my future SIL (still not used to calling her that but I love it) haven't set a date exactly, especially if she does go back to school. It will be at least next year so they can save up. I keep looking at the amount left of that original $2,000 I put aside and I could help a lot with that, or with her schooling.

I don't know what I'll do in the end but I think that is the perfect use of the remainder. I don't know what my mother is going to do with the rest of her life without any of her kids. Guess what? I don't care. I know I said similarly before but I have even more support now. I have had a lot of help to recognize that what she's pulling is manipulation, not love.

That helps keep me on the right track. The loss of her aches, like when you pull a rotted tooth, but I'm allowing myself to feel that pain instead of trying to fix it or numb it. She isn't the mother I want her to be. She isn't even the sort of person I would willingly want to be friends with. I don't allow myself to check her socials. I have her and her husband blocked everywhere I can.

I changed the locks a while back. I don't allow myself to think much about her threat and what it means about the ashes. There's so much about this that hurts. I feel like I can't move on from my sister without it somehow being a betrayal, or like the ashes were actually inhibiting my grieving which makes me feel like I wasn't honoring her the right way.

It's hard to move on from my mother because it practically encoded in my DNA to love her. Plus I've never been that good about enforcing boundaries in regards to my loved ones. I'm working on it though. I'm realizing I'm not good at ending things or wrapping them up and I've been adding to this one update for a while now so it's gotten really long now.

There's more in my present than my sister. It feels callous and wrong but also like a good step to admit that. And I don't just mean my work, which was what I was relying on so much, or the endless chase after my mom and answers. I'm spending time with my neighbors and doing things other than working, I'm getting out of my house, actually planning for longer than a couple weeks ahead.

It feels weird. The hole is there and it's still so deep and gaping and painful just to look at. But I don't feel anymore like the best I can do is teeter on the edge, I'm not falling in all the time or barely hanging in anymore. This time I think I actually have the support and the knowledge I need to be able to stay strong and not let my mother ruin things for me.

I'm going to post this then go out to dinner with my neighbor. Thank you to everyone who has helped me work through this absolutely nightmarish rollercoaster and to get to this point. I owe a lot to all of you. I never would have dreamed feeling even an ounce like I could ever come out of this spiral for a long time.

The internet was glad to hear an update.

Different-Leather359 wrote:

Oh, I'm so proud of you! For your sobriety, standing up to your mother, going to therapy, trying to get your health under control, and actually getting out and spending time with people.

I'm just a random internet stranger, but please believe how proud I am of you. None of those things are easy at the best of times, and especially hard when you are dealing with grief. I wish you the best for your coming years.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. It's certainly been a hard road so far. I wouldn't be able to take these steps without lucking into having an amazing brother and a dad who loves me so much it makes up for the missing love my mother was supposed to give me.

The support of this community that cheered me on and discouraged me from self-sabotage, the various therapists who even if they weren't a good fit for where I was helped too, and the neighbors who I didn't realize could become my village.

Ravynwave wrote:

I’m glad you’re doing better now and hope you continue to heal along with your family. I’m sure your sister is smiling down on you.

OP responded:

I got to know my beautiful, amazing, kind sister for all of her life, and even though it wasn't long enough, it will never be long enough, it feels like her impact lives on so much longer this was. I'll make sure of it.

AliceinReverse wrote:

In case others haven’t told you - I’m really proud of your sobriety journey. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s what we do afterwards that matters. And despite incredible stress, you continue your journey. I know you have a lot going on, but please be proud of your own resilience.

OP responded:

Thank you for saying so. There's no one else in the family that I know of who struggles with substance abuse, though that isn't to say they aren't silently, so it does feel pretty shameful to be the one that couldn't cope without resorting to such extremes. I know alcoholism or even just binge drinking can wreck your life, and I'm fighting too hard to build my life back up. It helps

Yetis_unicorn wrote:

I don’t think you realize how rare it is for people in your situation to actually find the strength to cut off a toxic parent and get healthy. Most people stay trapped in that terrible rut for the rest of their lives.

I think you’re stronger and smarter than you probably give yourself credit for. Most people don’t have the courage to break this kind of toxic cycle. I think your sister would be very proud of you and happy to know that you are moving towards and better future for yourself.

OP responded:

It only feels like strength sometimes, sometimes it feels like I'm giving up or failing to be a good child or giving up on the actual good times.

No one is constantly horrible, and she wasn't, she had her moments, so the important part is to remember that her motherly moments aren't worth suffering all this pain and distress. It really is hard to separate yourself that way. Thank you, I like to think my sister would be proud too.