'AITA for paying for my kids' class trip when their stepsister and stepcousin can't go?'
"AITA for paying for my kids' class trip when their stepsister and stepcousin can't go?"
My ex and I (both 30) separated after the birth of our twins 8 years ago. We had only dated for 14 months when she got pregnant and we only stayed together during the pregnancy because we wanted to try and be a family for our kid's sake. But she met someone else and fell for him and wanted to "have a chance at love". Our separation was amicable enough.
We co-parented well for the first two years. But when she met her husband (not the guy she fell in love with during our relationship) things changed. He was a single father and sole provider for his daughter who was the same age as our kids and she declared I would be responsible for including her like she was my child too if I was buying gifts or doing anything fun with our kids.
This started us on a bad path and now we parallel parent instead of co-parent because I was expected to babysit her stepkid (and nephew and now younger daughter) when I wanted to have fun with my kids and I was supposed to spend equally across all kids for gifts. Ex and I have 50/50 custody. Nobody pays child support because we both have our kids an equal amount of time. My kids and I are close.
I do not include the other children at their mom's house when I have them and I do not interact with those other children. Three years ago their stepdad's nephew moved in with them and a year later their mom and stepdad had a baby daughter together so they have a stepsister, stepcousin and a half sister at that house and my ex is expecting again (potentially). This is partially where the fight comes from.
The school the kids go to is small so they're in the same class as the steps. And they have a class trip coming up in November to an interactive museum. It's expensive for a class trip at their age but I can afford it and the kids want to go so I paid. But my ex was pissed.
She and her husband can't afford to send the stepdaughter and nephew and my ex told me I should either pay for all four to go or all four could miss it.
I said no. I told her I have the right to pay for them to go and the trip falls during my parenting time so I can send them. Her husband told me I was sabotaging their family and being a dick to kids who get to see their family go on the class trip they can't be a part of. He told me I should care more about all the kids. My ex backed him (of course) and said the kids hating each other will be all on me. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
East_Parking_8340 wrote:
You have zero responsibility towards children so wholly unrelated to you and, frankly, if you start there will be a never ending series of demands. TBH if they can’t afford to pay for the trips why on earth are they potentially having another child.
Where are the step and nephew‘s parents in all this? Where are all the bio grandparents? You do need to make sure that your children are not being penalised by the mother and stepfather whilst they are with them. I dread to think what will happen when you help your kids through college. NTA.
OP responded:
Stepdaughter only has her dad (and now my ex). Her mom is not in her life. The nephew's parents lost custody and are unsafe. My ex and her parents don't talk anymore. I have no idea what her husband's parents are like and if they're involved.
I imagine there will be some controversy because I have money for my kids that they can do whatever they like with. Want an apprenticeship and to have money to help get them started? Covered. College? A big helping hand lol. Trade? Covered and helping with other expenses during that time.
Ok-Horror-1049 wrote:
NTA! Your ex made her decisions about how she wanted to live her life after ya'll broke up. But that's the point- you broke up. You aren't responsible for funding those decisions. It sounds like you are doing your best to respect her wishes in general when it comes to the whole dynamic (her wishes sound kinda f**ked up if you ask me...).
But it's not your responsibility to fund the children other than yours. Instead of asking you, they should be looking at ways they can tighten their belts to fund the kids that they are responsible for, and be glad that you are 100% funding your kids for this (instead of expecting her to pay for 1/2 theirs too)...
Suggestion for them: Not sure where they live, but one of them can take on UberEats on Fri & Sat nights to fund the trip for the other 2 kids if they can't think of any way to make extra cash.
OP responded:
Those are options where we live. I did it during C-vid because I found myself unemployed in 2020. Then I got better employment after a couple of months.
future-science1095 wrote:
NTA. This is ridiculous. So if you were to treat the step children like your kids do you get to trade off on claiming them as dependents on your taxes. I think not. Your ex and her husband are trying to pull one over on you. Keep that boundary.
OP responded:
Nope. I'm just supposed to dump a lot of money on them for birthdays and Christmas and include them when I take my kids to arcade or trampoline park and so on. Making everything equal of course.
Peony-Pony wrote:
NTA. "Her husband told me I was sabotaging their family and being a dick to kids who get to see their family go on the class trip they can't be a part of. He told me I should care more about all the kids. My ex backed him (of course) and said the kids hating each other will be all on me."
Sounds like Mr Big Talk needs to get a better job or start budgeting for extras for his children. You have no moral or financial responsibility or obligation to anyone but your children. Life's not fair. You can afford to fund certain things for your children. You're not responsible for another couples finances or children.
jemoss9 wrote:
NTA. What is up with all the people expecting their exes to financially/emotionally support kids they have no obligation to?
OP responded:
I think people see others do it (rare, but it does happen when there's good blood there and everyone comes together) and they grow to expect it. They forget once you break up the obligation changes. Gotta keep putting the kids first but you don't need to bend over backward for your ex.
Ok_Homework8692 wrote:
NTA it's on your ex and her husband making their kids resentful, not you. Their kids expect you to pay because your ex tells them you will, they didn't come up with that all on their own. If they can't afford those kids why on earth are they having another one? I would not start paying for anything, its a slippery slope.
OP responded:
It is a slippery slope and they already had high expectations that I didn't meet so it will only make that worse.