'AITA for 'Permanently Destroying' my cousin's hand me down wedding dress?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for 'Permanently Destroying' my cousin's hand me down wedding dress?"

I, (18f) am getting married in the middle of October to my boyfriend (19m). We're planning on a smaller-scale wedding with mostly just friends and family, and considering that we both have large extended families it was definitely a challenge planning for that many people. (For a general idea of how big my family is, just my mom has 7 siblings who all have children of their own).

With our small budget, I was looking at redesigning or upcycling a wedding gown instead of having to devote a huge amount of money towards a brand new dress. I mentioned my plans to a couple people and was in the process of looking at options when my mom's oldest sister's daughter (my cousin) reached out to me.

Megan, (40f) got married in 2015. The marriage didn't last very long and they got divorced soon after. I barely remember the husband, as he never came to family gatherings and Megan and my mom aren't particularly close, so I was surprised she was offering something so important after a long time of distance.

Regardless, Megan had offered to give me her wedding dress, as it was in my size and she knew we were trying to avoid spending a crazy amount on a small budget. I loved the idea and the dress was beautiful. I did make sure she was comfortable giving it to me rather than loaning it, and she assured me that it held no emotional significance and she couldn't care less if she didn't have to hang on to it.

I thanked her and took home the dress.

One thing about me however is that I am a very chaotic seamstress, and I make the majority of my own clothes. And while I did love the original dress, I wanted to make some SMALL changes to the hem and neckline to fit the theme better.

The original dress was super full-skirted with a long hem, and since my wedding is outside, I wanted to make sure it wouldn't be dragging in the dirt. So I took some layers off the underside, removed the trim, and removed the sleeves to tighten the bodice. I was so happy with how it turned out, and my mom and friends agreed that it was perfect. Here's when the trouble started.

My mom had taken a picture of me trying on the dress and decided to send Megan a picture alongside another Thank You. However she responded with a cold comment over text and called me later that night. She said that I should have asked her permission before "ruining" her dress, and that if I had thought it was so ugly before I should have bought my own.

I tried to explain that the changes I made were small, and that I did ask before I took it if she wanted it back afterwards. She blew up at me saying that it was "too different" and that she could never wear it again, (even though she never gave the impression that she wanted to.

Megan has already started before that she has no interest in getting remarried ever). I asked what she wanted me to do, and she snapped at me that it was too late. She hung up and has apparently been telling people I "sl-tted out her wedding dress" and made sure I would embarrass her by out-doing the original dress.

I don't know what to do about it, the wedding is way too close to consider making myself a dress, and I have my heart set on having something unique and personal for my wedding. Her mother called both me and my mom saying I should have asked, that I am a "spoiled brat" for taking advantage of Megan's kindness and generosity.

My parents and a few family members who I've told think I should uninvite Megan and just wear the dress, but my aunt is saying I would "break Megan's heart" unless I find something else. Should I give up on my dress and see what else there is? To provide some context and answer some questions, Megan and I are not super close, from both the age gap and different lifestyles.

(Megan is the third cousin out of 21; I am the ninth.) Megan, being the first girl child in the family, grew up with a lot of expectations and pressure, and ended up marrying a very religious and controlling husband. After her divorce, Megan went through what can best be described as a breakthrough and reevaluation of her life and ambitions.

Since then, she completely changed her job, appearance, and opinions. She is no longer an active member in family events and only takes part in "important" ones like birthdays, funerals, and weddings. Despite this we have NEVER had any problems between us and our interactions have always been civil and kind. Secondly, the alterations I did were only limited to the skirt and bodice.

The "sl-tted-out" comment apparently stemmed from my removal of the sleeves, (turning it to a sleeveless top) and raising the hem to a tea length. (My ankles are exposed now.) Someone had pointed out to me that Megan's anger was a product of her own self-esteem, as she has naturally grown and gained weight since then, which I could definitely see even though she is still beautiful.

And thirdly, I am definitely planning on regular updates if any more incidents happen up to the wedding, and a full breakdown with photos after the ceremony. Thank you to everyone for their kind messages and loving support. You've all made me feel so much better and I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: As of yesterday, I found out from my fiancee that Megan had reached out to him with false concern about how my home-styled dress "gave the wrong idea" about our wedding and had the AUDACITY to ask him, the man I've been in love with for nearly three years, if he was sure he wanted to marry a woman who wouldn't "put in the effort" of getting a proper dress.

(She says this as if I hadn't spent WEEKS sewing the dress to make sure it was perfect.) Thank goodness my fiance wasn't upset by her attitude and responded that I had put way more effort into the dress than she put into her marriage, and that shut her up REAL fast.

She turned around and apparently has been crying to my elderly grandparents, her mother, some of the other cousins, etc, that I am a "trashy whore with a cheap shotgun wedding" (I'm not even pregnant lmao) with a fiancee who is only interested in our family's money.

(My fiance is a mechanic, and regardless of the fact that he is doing really well and makes a pretty good salary, she still seems to think he's beneath her.)

Some of my older cousins; the ones I don't talk to as much, have actually expressed concern about whether or not they want to go the the ceremony at all. I blame my aunt for spreading misinformation, which I managed to assure them wasn't true.

After all of this, I reached out to Megan saying that because of all her comments and insults she is no longer invited to the wedding. I admitted that I was sorry for the situation but I can't keep pardoning her rude comments on what is supposed to be a happy time in my life.

She snapped that she wouldn't show her face at my pathetic excuse for a wedding, and that she "can't wait to see how I act when he leaves [me]."

Overall, I am pretty confident that Megan and I's relationship might not recover, but at this point I don't regret anything. Here's hoping everything else cools down in the next couple weeks and I can go into our day with no negativity at all. (AITA for altering my cousin's hand me down wedding dress after she told me I could have it?)

The internet was opinionated to say the least.

19ShowDogTiger81 wrote:

Wear the dress invite the cousin, use the pieces of the dress to make a decorative pillow for your rings and present it to her at the reception as the best cousin ever for gifting you the dress. It will be a public aaaahhhh moment and you will never hear about it again.

Odd-Mousse2763 wrote:

Totally NTA. Your mom blew it by taking photos and posting. That was unfortunate issue #1. Issue #2, do you have that text or email agreement (paper trail) of her "idc about the dress" convo that you can refer back to? Sorry that you're going through this. This isn't something any soon-to-be bride needs to deal with.

Truly, sounds like she was more emotionally connected to that dress than she thought. There's nothing you can do at this point other than add a note of appreciation of her "selfless" offering of the dress. 😈 Don't uninvite her, just make sure one of your MOH are watching her on your day.

canonrobin wrote:

Your cousin specifically told you that she was gifting you the dress and she didn't want it back. So now you are the owner of the dress. You can make any changes you want to it. She can't come back later and attach conditions to the gift.

It's your dress OP, you should wear it. Let aunt and cousin know that you will be wearing the dress and they are welcome to attend, but you understand if that's too much for them.

Mirabai503 wrote:

I guess I'm confused. She's mad that you "sl-tted out" the dress but now you'll also "out do" her? So she thinks the dress looks sl-tty and also better than the original. I think she told herself she had no attachment to the dress and then when she saw it altered, realized that she was very attached indeed.

Two months later, OP shared another update.

Hi everyone! I made a post a few months ago about my (18f) wedding dress and all the surrounding drama that came from it. (I had been given my (40f) cousin's old wedding dress from a failed marriage and altered it to better fit the needs of my ceremony and my style. She did not appreciate the changes and became very rude and hurtful).

My wedding was six days ago and I was asked to do an update, and I am happy to share how it all went down! I am still so happy how my dress turned out, and was very glad to have shortened the train, as there had been rain the night before and morning dew on the grass. The shorter hemline saved me a lot of mess and damage in the long run.

Plus, I felt beautiful and it made such a special day all the more amazing. I had told my cousin (Megan) that her behaviour was rude and unnecessary, and that I did not want her bringing her unpleasantness to my day. However her mother, who had been one of her primary supporters, had "apologized" in order to go to the ceremony.

So while Megan herself was not actually at the wedding, I had not completely excluded the issue. Megan's mother, (71f) my aunt, is your basic senior white woman, and usually expresses her opinions in a loud and unspoken manner, so I was uneasy in the beginning when she arrived. She didn't make a fuss throughout the ceremony though, and everything went smoothly.

(I sneezed while walking down the aisle but that wasn't anyone's fault in particular). The reception was at an outdoor garden where we had set up under a gazebo with a temporary floor for tables and eventually dancing, with a slightly elevated platform for the big table and speeches.

This is where my aunt decided to make sure everyone knew about her daughter's dress. After a few speeches, following my friend's champagne rendition of "that time we went camping and the tent slid down a hill", she made her way up to the podium.

She started her speech in the usual, unassuming way, congratulating us and remarking on how far we've come as people. Unfortunately she decided to tie this statement into a comment of "You've even made your own dress. I mean, not really, actually, it was Megan's first."

She then went on into how she remembered shopping for the dress with Megan for her own wedding, and going on and on about how it was perfect and "made for her". At this point in the speech I was just staring at her in confusion, while my husband and everyone else just sat there awkwardly waiting for her to be done.

She finished her speech with a half-a--ed backtrack to me looking lovely and wishing us good luck on our marriage. She ambled back to her seat and let the ceremony keep going, looking entirely too proud of herself. Other than that, the only other trouble she caused was her apparently showing everyone she could manage a photo of the original, which is really not that bad in the grand scheme of things.

I am so happy that my family and friends were able to be there and celebrate with us, and can't wait to see what comes for us next. Thank you again to everyone who commented and reassured me in the beginning, you've all been so kind. Who knows, I might even dye the dress another color and keep it around just in case an appropriate event comes up...😉😉😉

The internet was invested in the update.

Mechya wrote:

You should reach out to your Aunt and "thank her" for making a speech showing her support of you and your marriage. You got so many compliments on the work you did to the dress after she pointed out that you did all that yourself.

Everyone was super impressed by the before and after pictures, so you wanted to give her a personal thank you. I think that they would've made comments about it being cousins dress, and shown pictures, if you didn't make adjustments. So I think you picked the better path.

creakyoldlady wrote:

Once someone gives you something it is yours to do with as you wish. If she didn’t want you to alter it in any way she should have put that condition on the give. Then that way you could have refused it since it wasn’t as you imagined your dress to be. You weren’t wrong and your aunt and cousin need to suck it up and never mention it again.

Waifer2016 wrote:

Oooooo find out what Megan's and your Aunts most HATED colours are and dye it to match! Then wear it at the holidays . Ya, I'm twisted. I might need help 🙃

tufted-titmouse-527 wrote:

I feel like telling the aunt "Awww do you feewl better about yourself sweetie? You got to let everyone know the details behind how my dress came to be (that they probably couldn't care less about). Good for you, you sure showed me!" People like this will have plenty of hardship in their lives, and that's payback enough. I'm glad you didn't waste any more energy on her on your wedding day.