'AITA for reconsidering my entire relationship after a single conversation?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for reconsidering my entire relationship after a single conversation?"

I (33M) have been with my girlfriend (31F) for 12 years. Last night we had an argument about one of my friends. This is not a new friend, I met her a year ago through a food drive my church held and have mentioned her name (granted, her name is much more common amongst men, for arguments sake, her names Charlie) pretty regularly over the year.

Last night, I mentioned Charlie and that “She” was going to head round on Sunday morning to pick me up for Church (girlfriend's atheist) because our car is in the shop. My girlfriend hit the roof!

Going on about how this was not okay, that she’s probably just trying to get me to cheat on her. I was genuinely stunned, firstly because, I find it incredibly hard to believe that in a year I’ve never mentioned Charlie’s a woman.

Secondly, when did this become an issue? My girlfriend plays a social sport, the sport she plays is primarily played by men, so the club she plays for has 1 woman’s team and 4 men’s teams, Saturday nights after they play they all head to the club rooms and get drunk, she has friends that play on the men’s teams and I have never had an issue with those friendships.

I had this moment while I was lying in bed last night, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Not to the level she got to last night but I’ve lost friends over the years because she’s put an idea in my head about them so I drifted away.

Even right at the start of our relationship, I was adamant I wanted to embark on a military career, within 3 months I’d pulled my application because she didn’t like the thought of me being in a barracks at basic training with maybe 3 woman. Controlling is the only word that comes to mind. AITA that within 24 hours of this blow up I’m ready to walk away completely?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Well that escalated! Thanks for everyone’s input, I’ll add some context for people here. The not married thing, she hates the idea of marriage because she doesn’t believe a woman can just be given away from one man to another. I have no issues with this. People saying I omitted that Charlie was female to hide it.

I went back through my texts with my girlfriend, there are multiple times I’ve mentioned Charlie’s a woman. The first one I can find is ,Dec 10th 2023, my gf asked me who’s going to a planned church lunch. “Michael and Alex are coming, they got a sitter for Noah last minute. Charlie can’t, she’s doing the food drive with the new guys.

Still haven’t heard from Seb and Liam” She’s known Charlie’s a woman for 9 months. I’m not a devout Christian, my faith is important to me but my church work is mainly to help the community.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.

Ok-Analyst-5801 wrote:

It's not the blowup that caused you wanting to leave. The blowup made you look back and notice a series of situations that has caused you to look at your relationship, and her, differently. Now that you've noticed it, it's hard to unsee this behaviour. You should talk to her first.

Bring up all the situations where you have had to give up friends, and the situations where she hasn't, and make it clear that you need this to change. Her reaction will point you in the direction you need to go.

OP responded:

Thank you. Really good advice. The thing is, since I posted, I’ve basically gone through everything that’s happened in our lives, there are literally 100s of these little situations where I wanted to do something and she would put a bad idea in my head about it so I wouldn’t go through with it.

I feel like I’ve missed out on so much stuff I wanted to do. Travelling being a big one too, always wanted to go see the world, she didn’t, so I haven’t. Yet.

Zestyclose_army7847 wrote:

YO my guy, your girl might be projecting.

OP responded:

Well if she is then I’m definitely making the right decision.

Few-Coat1297 wrote:

Some people will want to make you think the worst of your GF here, saying she's the one cheating and pushing it back on you. Maybe. But it's far more common if she is cheating, that she's more distant, hides her phone, doesn't initiate sex etc.

So think on those.

You want to us to get inside your gfs head on this with very little. The first thing that struck me was did you ever say 'Charlie' was a girl, or did she find out by accident?

The second thing I noticed is you are together 12 years and not married. Maybe make sure you both are on the same page re this. Finally, clearly she is operating a double standard in her socialising with men and this. So she needs a clear reminder of same.

rhmarkuson wrote:

It feels like there are numerous things to unpack here. You’ve been together for 12 years, but a fight makes you consider breaking up? You have made what sounds like an important friend but have never introduced her to your GF?

Your GF gets drunk with her teammates every Saturday? You were considering a military enlistment but dropped that because your GF was worried about basic? Dude, if you want to salvage a 12-year relationship the two of you might benefit from some therapy.

Putrid_You6064 wrote:

Perhaps it’s the one-on-one time with said friend that she doesn’t feel comfortable about. She’s hanging out with those men in a group setting.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Never expected my post to blow up the way it did. To those who took the time to give constructive advice. Thank you. To those that create imaginary situations in their own heads to justify their position. You guys are weird.

The last week has been nothing short of chaos. Sunday morning, (last week) I told my gf that I wouldn’t be getting a ride to church with Charlie. But, that we needed to talk when I got back. Sat in church, just thinking about everything that had been flooding into my head for the 36 hours prior and what I needed to do.

I sat down with her when I got home and started talking about how her reaction to a very simple thing, that had no ulterior motives, and was just a friend being helpful, had set off a chain reaction that was making me reconsider our relationship.

I explained in excruciating detail all the little things that I had not pursued, the friends that I’d lost, because of her insecurities and constant guilt tripping.

She cried and tried to guilt me even more by saying that my relationship with Charlie was hurting her because my gf can’t have kids when Charlie can, even though I’ve never expressed interest in having children.

I finally see through her lies and deception, it’s all a smoke screen to keep me in check.

I left her.

I’ve been crashing on a friend’s couch for the last week. Not Charlie’s.

I’ve wanted to go see the world for as long as I can remember, I’m finally getting started.

Got myself a one-way ticket to London, fly out in a week. See where I end up.

PS. I was never interested in Charlie. She’s a friend, nothing more.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

HilMickaelson wrote:

Dude, you did well leaving that toxic relationship, but for your own good, get tested. Her accusation of you cheating could just be her projecting. She basically believed you were cheating on her because that’s what she was doing to you. Also, you might want to start therapy to stop being such a people pleaser and learn how to value yourself and put yourself first.

OP responded:

Yeah I did the panel during the week. Clean. If she was cheating, I’ve made the right choice but I don’t care if she was. I’m free of her.

Beneficial_Syrup_869 wrote:

Pick & Cheese - The Cheese Bar in London is so fun and so good! Ate a weird amount of cheese and sipped wine, lovely venue too! Enjoy! Also, if you can pop over to Dublin (Ryanair) amazing place or train up to Edinburgh or Glasgow can’t go wrong there! Cheers on a life not being dictated by your ex!

OP responded:

Thanks mate! I’ve just put it on the itinerary.

Plan is to head straight from London up to Edinburgh. It’s where my family’s from. I’ll drive up so I can do whatever I like on the way.

ChoirMinnie wrote:

From reading both posts I get the impression this feeling has been brewing for you for some time. 12 years is a h-ll of a long relationship, I guess we either stay with that person for life or realise our first choice of partner actually isn’t as compatible/good for us.

Your now ex sounds like she could use some therapy and time for herself to learn what she wants out of life and emotionally healthier ways of addressing things. I hope you have a good time in London (I’m in the UK if ya need any tips 😂) Best of luck!

Forsaken-Ad-3977 wrote:

Wait, she can’t have kids? While you two have issues I have a bit of an understanding on her emotional state and frame of mind. I have been with my wife for 32 years and she has PCOS, she can’t have kids. When we first started dating and got married she lived constantly with the fear that someday I would wake up and decide I wouldn’t want to be with her because I wanted kids.

I have always tried to calm those fears and soothe her by telling her how much I loved her and she was the one for me. But it is always a constant fear in the back of her mind because she feels like less than a woman given how society hero worships moms (and rightfully so).

It wasn’t my leaving her she feared, it was the feeling of not being woman because she couldn’t have children, and now given todays political climate and the craziness being said it’s all coming back to the surface. I’m not saying this is the reason for all of it or even may of it, but it is worth considering.