'AITA for refusing to accept my wife's money in exchange for giving up control?'
"AITAH for refusing to accept my wife's money in exchange of giving up control?"
So I am married for the second time and relationship with my current wife has been toxic more often than not. My first wife had passed away few years back and I have two pre-teen daughters from her. I also have a biological daughter from my current wife who is a year old. Relationship around a year back became so toxic that I had pretty much made up my mind to file for a divorce from her.
Her aggression was beyond control. However for sake of my three daughters and intervention from her brother, got me to stay put. Her brother told me her aggressive behaviour is nothing new and he told her he would get involved only if she "unconditionally surrenders" to the situation.
Since that time I was completely running the household and supporting the entire family financially and otherwise, certain ground rules were established and agreed upon, where we would live well within our means, and she would obey the house rules. So far with this status quo maintained we are able to live our lives through with much peace than before.
However it seems she is unable to live this life where she does not have much say. Recently she proposed to financially contribute some part in our household affairs and have some say in having her way around the house. I rejected her proposal by saying unless she is willing to contribute half, I will not want to accept her money but rather maintain the status quo as that gives me much more mental peace.
I have told her if she is that unhappy with the new status quo arrangement which she herself agreed to in the first place, she is free to leave. My another fear is that if I agree to her contributing a small part, firstly she will blow up the expenses and make overall life as miserable as before. AITAH for rejecting her offer?
The internet did not hold back at all.
anonymousmousey wrote:
NTA. But you really should get the f--k out of there. You say you're staying for your daughters, but you're really just teaching them that if they act like your wife people will placate them and do everything they can to avoid conflict.
You're teaching them that being treated like s--t is okay as long as you don't have to have any kind of confrontation and can stop the person treating you like s--t from becoming worse by agreeing to be held hostage by the threat of their tantrums and ab-se.
Flygonosk wrote:
YTA but not for rejecting her offer but to stay and keep living in that t-xic relationships.and teaching your daughters to normalize that kinda behavior. You should stay put with your decision and divorced her last time. But at the end is your choice to keep being in a mean and t-xic relationship.
dana-banana11 wrote:
Based on what you describe you are abusive yourself, this sounds like coersive control. There might be a good reason for gettting to this point but you both have a very bad influence on each other.
HarvySnake wrote:
Honestly what you are describing paints you as controlling and ab-sive. You make a vague claim that she was “aggressive” but talk about her spending behavior later.
That doesn’t match up. Was her “aggression” insisting on having the same freedoms you take and trying to live what she thought was a normal, adult, married life just like you? If that is what you are calling “aggressive” you are so far in the wrong. It’s common for partners to have income disparity and they work with that in a healthy way.
Most importantly if the insistence is a 50/50 split on bills, etc…the person that earns more must also agree to live at a lifestyle the other person can afford. Which you clearly don’t want to do. Your demand that she contribute 50/50 comes across as insisting on an unobtainable goal. It’s manipulative and controlling and dishonest and insincere.
Marriage should be an equal partnership in terms of equal joint decision making and equal freedoms to take actions and the rules of the marriage apply to both equally. You clearly have more freedom and power and you clearly control her financially.
If there were problems with her spending too much the proper course would have been to have full transparency in the budget so she understands that the family can’t spend more than a certain amount and, in extreme situations, therapy to help with impulse control. What you don’t do is try to keep the other person under your thumb.
ETA: It sounds like some very significant details on what was "aggressive" are left out and to me, YTA.
ETA2: Looking at your post history as some have jumped around saying and I see that the aggression, as you mildly put it, was her being extremely physical ab-sive, but by your own description in this post she stopped.
Her past doesn't justify being financially controlling now. Withholding money won't stop your partner from punching you. Nor would giving her equal access to money suddenly allow her to attack you. She can do that right now "poor" as she is, but she isn't. Draconian financial control isn't a long term answer. Go to marriage counseling and find a healthy solution.