'AITA for refusing to attend my brother's 'coming of age' birthday party?'

"AITA for refusing to attend my brother's 'coming of age' birthday party?"

For some background: I (22F) have a younger brother (4y difference). Our family has a history of having “only girls” in line so naturally my brother is everyone’s treasure (especially our mother’s who treats him like some delicate flower).

Basically, I grew up stuck between boarding school during the week and doing chores around the house on weekends because my brother was always “too young to do chores” or “it’s girl’s job to clean and cook”. It’s the same even today — I do chores, he goes out with friends.

I would lie if I said I don’t get annoyed by it — he’s clearly our parent’s favorite child and I often get told that I should “do better as a woman." In the past I used to be less vocal about it, but these days I’m starting to notice more things that don’t necessarily sit right with me, and one of them is my brother’s “coming of age” party. Here, that particular birthday party is the most important one you’d ever have.

Our parents organized everything for their son: reserved the venue, got him to invite all his friends and the whole family, hired a whole team just to decorate the venue in whatever theme their son picks, even managed to book a DJ that’s famous in the area and therefore hard to hire. And now, don’t get me wrong, I also think that this particular birthday is meant to be celebrated big, I really do.

But I still remember mine. My coming of age party wasn’t meant to happen. Our mother was against it, saying that we don’t have enough money to throw a whole party about it. At the time I was very persistent because I wanted to have this celebration. I fought with our mother about it really bad, and in the end it was dad who convinced her to allow it.

I did have my celebration, though now that I look back at it I really wish I didn’t.

My coming of age party was at a restaurant, with music played from a Spotify playlist, and just a few closest friends of mine (plus the close family). Am I saying it’s bad? No.

It was a great night and everyone had fun. It’s just everything around it: all the fights to have the celebration, the pressure of choosing only the “smallest number of guests,” having to explain why I couldn’t invite all of them, and all the preparations I had to do on my own. I was also told to give away the money I got in presents to pay back my parents for the party.

*It’s a tradition that guests give you money for you to start your adulthood with it. Some people use it for college, some buy their first car with it, whatever is your priority. I didn’t get to keep it.

And now that it is my brother’s turn to have his party, and seeing how different treatment he gets, I might have reached my limit.

I pointed out how unfair it is (as our financial situation didn’t change) and told them that I will attend the party only if he will give away the money he receives, just like I was told to do. Otherwise, I won’t go there. I felt truly hurt, still do, but…AITA for giving such an ultimatum? Because I definitely feel like one.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

mumtaz2004 wrote:

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but, based upon what you have shared, I also don’t think anything is going to change, either. Your family has made clear that your brother walks on water, his s--t doesn’t stink, he’s pure perfection and, well, you just don’t count.

You can continue fighting this and expending your energy needlessly or you can put your time and energy into YOU. Focus on your education, your job, moving out and being on your own, your friends, any family that does value you, YOUR LIFE. Do YOU! Your bitterness is fair and warranted but does you no good.

It will keep you bitter and change absolutely nothing. Let it go. Go live your life. Make a family of friends who care about you and appreciate you. Your bio fam have made it clear that the fact you lack a p-nis means they treat you like garbage. Don’t give them the opportunity. NTA.

Dangerous-Chart-526 wrote:

NTA. Tell them "Have fun, I am doing better as a woman now, I will spend my day with self-respect." Before telling them to pound sand, think about the potential fallout and how you will deal with it. Think it through and tell them. "If you harass me over this, I will block you." only works, if you do it, so think about it and start to protect yourself.

CrimsonKnight_004 wrote:

NTA. But don’t bother telling them to make your brother give his money back. Him getting that injustice done to him won’t erase what happened to you, and they won’t listen to you.

They don’t care about making things fair or even, they care about upholding this standard of mis*gyny. If you don’t want to attend the party, don’t. Their mistreatment of you has consequences, and it’s completely fair to distance yourself from them because of this.

Wanderinggnostic wrote:

NTA, but ultimatums aren't really helpful. In cases like these, it's usually best to bide your time, save every penny, and quietly slip away. Pointing out the behavior achieves nothing, they are more than aware of what they are doing and they do not care.

Fighting about it and making noise about it just make it worse for you by causing an openly hostile environment. You're still young, get a job, save money, get out, cut them off.

alien_overlord_1001 wrote:

NTA you have internalized the obvious misogyny here and that manifests as guilt. You are right to be outraged. I too grew up like this - the only girl and I got stuck with chores or being abused while my brothers just did whatever they wanted - my mother still brought them breakfast in bed when they were teens.

It’s total BS - your life and milestones are just as important as his. It should be of no surprise to anyone if you distance yourself from your parents when you leave. When they are old and sick, let golden boy take care of them. Don’t let them railroad you into anything.