'AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s child-free wedding after she asked me not to bring my baby?'
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister’s child-free wedding after she asked me not to bring my baby?"
My (34F) sister (29F) is getting married in three months. She’s having a child-free wedding, which I totally respect. My husband (35M) and I have a 3-month-old baby. When my sister first told us about the child-free situation, I assumed there would be some flexibility for immediate family, especially newborns who can’t be left alone.
I talked to my sister and asked if we could bring our baby to the ceremony, explaining I am breastfeeding and we don’t feel comfortable leaving our baby with someone for an entire day.
We have to fly into the town where she is getting married (and we don't know anyone there) so we would have to leave the baby with a stranger there, or leave the baby back home with someone we know for a long period of time.
I am quite anxious about being away from our newborn for too long, which my sister knows. To my surprise, my sister was adamant that no children, including our baby, would be allowed at the wedding. She said it wouldn’t be fair to make an exception for us when other guests are also not allowed to bring their kids.
I asked if we could at least bring the baby for the ceremony and leave afterward, but she said no, explaining she wants a strict no-kids atmosphere the entire day. I told her that if our baby couldn’t come, we’d likely skip the wedding because it’s too hard to leave our newborn for such a long stretch of time.
We thought about the idea of just having my husband attend, but that also seemed a bit strange too. I also don't want to just leave the baby with my husband and go by myself. My sister got very upset with me, saying it’s her special day, and she feels like I’m putting our baby above her wedding.
She even hinted that I should figure out how to "detach" from the baby for just a few days and that we should understand how important this event is for her. Maybe I am being unreasonable for not willing to leave my baby behind, but I just feel like I should be there for my baby at all times (plus I know how anxious I am gonna feel that entire day).
My sister’s argument is that it’s her wedding and her rules, and while I respect that, I also think she should be more understanding of our situation. Am I really TA for refusing to attend her wedding if I can’t bring my baby?
The internet had lots to say in response.
thealchemist2000 wrote:
Another day, another AITA for not going to a child free wedding, or variations thereof. After 5 million of these stories, it’s still difficult to understand why those holding child free weddings get upset when people with children can’t/won’t come to your precious wedding. It’s equally difficult to understand why those with children keep wanting exceptions for their rugrats.
Not the AH for not going, not the AH for wanting a child free wedding. There, I hope that clears it up for future posters. Also as a side note, no one has a b-llet to your head about funding a wedding you don’t want to attend. Don’t fund it and don’t attend it.
SolmaRedditUserNow wrote:
I was at N A H. I mean, she doesn't want kids at her wedding. I get it. I've been to more than one where a squawling baby just interrupts the ceremony, or speeches, etc.
Some the parents are awesome and rush the kid out of the room to calm it down, other parents just cluelessly give a "what can you do" and seem oblivious that they are interfering with things going on. Completely get it.
That said,
when I got to this part:
"she feels like I’m putting our baby above her wedding. She even hinted that I should figure out how to "detach" from the baby for just a few days and that we should understand how important this event is for her."
Whoa there nellie. Holy crap, your sister is a piece of work for this statement. so NTA. I suspect she may regret such statements once the wedding is over or upon reflection. At least I would hope she does. Utter bullshit things to say.
Further. your kiddo will be around 6 months old at that point. This is not to say that the previous months suck, and aren't wonderful etc etc etc...but around that 6 months mark... shit is getting AWESOME.
Babies are laughing, they actually know you, the toy thing is kicking into gear and playing, they baby talk at you. You're doing the hold-hands-dance thing and they dig it. They're super fun. Sure the poop starts getting serious but, you know, good with the bad.
In the unsolicited advice section I would have said perhaps this is where since this is your sister, if you're good with flying with the kiddo, you do so. Then hubby just has the baby for a few hours while you do the wedding, and then you leave. However. would completely understand skipping this given sis's attitude.
IrrelevantManatee wrote:
INFO: Why are you not willing to leave the baby with your husband while you go to the wedding? Is he incompetent?
Edit: Just because it's not clear, OP doesn't have to travel alone and spend days away from her child. She can bring them along and breastfeed before/after the wedding. They would just have to leave the child with the dad for a couple hours. I was questioning why she wasn't willing to do that.
EquivalentTwo1 wrote:
NTA. Logistically you can't leave your baby for that long. Your sister doesn't want to make an exception, so she decides to be mad that you're respecting her decision? To be honest, it's very difficult for people who haven't or don't breastfeed to understand how hard it is to be away from a 3 month old.
They can be cluster feeding at that age. Even if they are not, you'd have to figure out pumping, keeping things clean and cool, not over pumping, and that's even if you can pump. Some people cannot, some babies refuse bottles, it's a whole nightmare that can have big consequences for the health of the baby and mother.
"I'm not risking a starving or dehydrated baby or mastitis by choosing to be away from my baby for x many hours." Is a valid decision so is the brides "no babies." They are incompatible positions. I am sorry there is no good answer for this.