'AITA for refusing to attend a wedding when my husband is not welcome there?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for refusing to attend a wedding when my husband is not welcome there?"

My (30f) friend (31f) is getting married in August. She invited me and my husband to the wedding already in October when she got engaged. I was asked to be her maid of honor. She didn't have the date imidiately as she wasn't sure how it will be with COVID and now she has the date and she told me she thinks it would be better if my husband didn't come.

I asked her why and she didn't want to tell me at first but then she said it is because he is shorter then me and it would look weird on pictures. He has around 165 cm (5 feet 4.961 inches) while I have 166cm (5 feet 5.354 inches). I think the difference is not that big and I offered I woudn't wear heels but she said I must wear them cause I am the maid of honor and bridesmaid will wear heels as well.

I said that if my husband is not invited because of his height I am not coming to her wedding. She said that the day is about her and not about me and my husband and I should respect her wishes about her day. She said that she counts with me as with the maid of honor and I can't do this to her.

I told her she is being shallow and that it is either me and my husband or none of us. I talk about it with my husband and he think I am not the asshole and actually would think it would be bad of me to agree with my friend, however he doesn't like her that much (she doesn't know that so it couldn't play a role in it).

So I am not sure if his opinion is really objective. I asked my friend and she said I am the AH cause it is just one day and it is about the bride so I shouldn't make a drama out of it. So perhaps I am the AH because I am focusing on me being there with my husband and not at what the bride wants?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

zukolover96 wrote:

NTA. Are you sure this is actually about the height? Does she have any issues with your husband?

OP responded:

Well it is true she used to say he is not good enough for me cause of his interests and look but that was a long time ago. They are not friends but they are not mean to each other or anything.

IbeatSARS2x wrote:

NTA. I can’t believe she is demanding this request of you. She is being 100% ridiculous and this is 100% disappointing in her character.

Hopefully this is not normal behavior for her because I would question our relationship and she will apologize. Do not move forward with any wedding festivities. Politely and firmly stand your ground. It would be wrong of you to attend, especially as the MOH role without your husband.

OP responded:

She was always a bit petty but she never actually demanded anything like this. I was shocked and very sad. I would stand my ground but the other friend that said she is right made me doubt my decision. Thank you for support.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA and I would completely ditch this person as a friend.

OP responded:

We have known each other for a very long time so I don't want to end the friendship but I think that she won't forgive me if I won't come to the wedding.

Sure-Peach5391 wrote:

NTA. And she definitely is. Being asked to be her maid of honor implies you are good or close friends - and asking a close friend to exclude their SO because of something as superficial and disrespectful as this is rude, hurtful and not something a good friend does.

Had she expressed that she wished he maybe not be included in some pictures, sure, if it makes her happy on 'her' day. But excluding him from an event because of his 1cm shorter height than you?? I would not want to be maid of honor to someone like that and I would reconsider the friendship somewhat. Has she asked stuff like this from you before?

OP responded:

I also think 1cm is not much and that is why offered I won't wear heels but she didn't like that idea. She never asked me anything like this before. She said she thinks he isn't good enough for me, but she never demanded that I will exclude him from events (not even back then when he was my boyfriend).

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit 2: UPDATE After all the support I got there I am making a move. I wrote her a text saying that I understand that wedding can be stressful and she wants it perfect but that it really hurt me what she wanted from me.

I wrote that I am standing to what I said and unless my husband is invited, I am not coming. I wrote I want to be there for her and help her as the maid of honor but I can't do that if she will have superficial demands.

Edit 2: So far no reply, I am giving her time till tomorrow and then I will write her that we are not coming so I can close it.

The next day, OP shared another update.

FINAL UPDATE: So she finally wrote me, she very rudely told me that if this is my attitude I can /the F word/ off. I was polite in my message and she can't do even that. So we are not going and I don't really want to talk to her after this all. I tried my best to be solve it and to give her a chance. It's sad but I guess she really was a toxic friend as many of you said in the comments.

People had OP's back all the way.

Stoat_King wrote:

NTA. You and your husband are 100% correct. What on earth did she think your response would be? I think "Both of us or neither of us" is entirely fair. For someone who is about to get married, she seems to have an odd idea of what marriage entails. You cant have it both ways. It sounds like she is essentially saying "My marriage is important, yours is not."

OP responded:

Thank you so much. I really started to feel bad cause of the other friend saying I should respect the bride and that it's her day. I woudn't mind it if she just agreed with me not wearing heels but this felt like too much to ask. I am also worried it would hurt my husband if I agree with her and I didn't want to lie to him and pretend that the reason is something else.

dfwnighthawk wrote:

NTA. A couple is one. Excluding one because of some superficial trait is offensive and wrong. Replace height with weight, or physical deformity, or scar. Or race.

katiethekatie wrote:

NTA. I was fully prepared to come on here and vote differently because I assumed there would be an actual reason why she wouldn’t want your husband there. But holy moly. Is she planning for your husband to be in every single picture? From my experience the SOs of the bridal party are maybe in like 2-3 shots of the whole day. She’s being incredibly rude and shallow, and you don’t need to deal with that.

Ssshushpup23 wrote:

NTA the whole ‘weddings should be about the bride everything has to be their way and they can treat people however they want without consequence’ is a load of horse s-t. You’re not obligated to go and may choose to decline for any reason you see fit.

OP responded:

Thank you. I was just feeling bad cause she needs to find a new made of honor now.

Wingskull wrote:

NTA - while it's her wedding it is your choice to be part of it and if you decide not to, she has to accept it. She's the AH in this for excluding your husband. A wedding is after all a union so if she can't accept your union to your husband and the fact, that it's the two of you or none, then it's her problem and she has no right to belittle/judge you.