'AITA for refusing to let my brother bring his GF to Thanksgiving after she disrespected my wife?'

"AITA for refusing to let my brother bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving after she disrespected my wife?"

I (31M) am married to Lily (30F). My brother Josh (29M) recently started dating Lindsey (27F), and while she’s been polite at family events, Lily feels Lindsey has made some passive-aggressive comments.

For example, at a recent BBQ, Lindsey said it was “selfish” that Lily and I weren’t planning to have kids anytime soon. Lily felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything at the time. Another incident happened at a family dinner when Lindsey remarked, “I’m surprised you two are so happy without kids."

"You must be really good at being selfish.” Lily was hurt by that comment, and it made her feel like Lindsey was judging our life choices. Most recently, at a birthday party, Lindsey made a comment about Lily’s career, saying, “It’s cute that you’re working part-time with no kids while Josh and I are really focusing on our careers.”

Lily was annoyed, but didn’t say anything because she didn’t want to start drama. Thanksgiving is at our house this year, and when Josh asked if he could bring Lindsey, I told him I’d prefer if she didn’t come. I explained that some of her comments had made Lily feel disrespected, and I didn’t want that to ruin the holiday. Josh got upset and said I was being petty.

He argued that I was overreacting and that Lindsey was “just being honest,” but I stood my ground. Now Josh says he won’t come if Lindsey isn’t invited, and my parents are caught in the middle. My mom thinks I’m being too harsh, but I feel like I’m just standing up for my wife. AITA for refusing to let my brother bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving?

The internet had a lot to say about the situation.

4th_Chakra wrote:

You're awesome for standing up for you wife. I read a lot of these sorts of stories, and the SO often stands off to the side, letting their spouse fend for themselves.

"He argued that I was overreacting and that Lindsey was 'just being honest,'"

So your brother defended Lindsey, rather than saying, "Hmm, you know, she was badgering Lily with her opinion. I'll go talk to her. I'm sorry my girlfriend treated her that way."

"Now Josh says he won’t come if Lindsey isn’t invited."

That's his choice. But it is your home, and you and Lily are entitled to not be subject to the har-ssment of someone with an agenda. She is your wife, and you are standing up for her. Good for you. Hopefully your mom understands that eventually.

NTA.

A-Strange-Peg wrote:

NTA I have a great phrase which you still be able to use "It's never occurred to me Lindsey would even want to come after she made it very clear she dislikes us, our home, our family and the childbearing choices we were forced* to make'

LOL and you WERE 'forced' by your right to make choices w/o her opinions.

You might also want to remind Josh that people who actively and repeatedly insult and hurt others under the guise of 'just being honest' are often called b*llies and are seldom invited back to launch another attack. Maybe CC your mom and ask her for advice. See what Josh (or Lindsay) says, then decide.

In the long term, if it looks like Lindsey is going to marry Josh, the entire family would do better to gently teach her: "We don't talk/treat each other like that in this family" as maybe she just wasn't raised right and is unaware her b-lly words are NOT the best way to act and make her look like an AH.

kimba-the-tabby-lion wrote:

NTA, but I am not sure why you are hiding behind Lily. Two out of three examples you give, Lindsey talking about both of you, but somehow only Lily is offended. Say you don't like being called selfish either.

And honesty is no defense. I think when most people are rude, they mean it. If someone says I am selfish and my career cute, it's actually worse if they mean it (ie are honest) than if they are just saying it for some petty point scoring reason. If Lindsey really believes what she is saying, then she needs to equivocate if she wants to interact with you socially.

Wonderful-Teach8210 wrote:

ESH. This is your family, and it is your duty to shield your wife from their shenanigans. And Jesus - Lyndsey isn't even a member of the family! By all means, disinvite her. But the only reason she feels so free to run her mouth is because no one has been brave enough to tell her to shut it. Are you going to avoid her forever? Stiffen your spine.

BxBae133 wrote:

The problem is that Lindsey gave your wife several opportunities to say something, and she didn't. Being assertive and standing up for oneself is not wrong. Your wife seems to struggle with that. I'm not sure why. So now your brother and Lindsey are confused.

The first time Lindsey associated waiting on kids with being selfish, your wife could have responded with, "that's so interesting that you think that," or, "why would you think it is ok to call me selfish?"

Or many other responses that would have put it back on Lindsey. She could have followed with, "I would appreciate it if you would resist your desire to comment on my lifestyle, especially in a way that feels like you are diminishing me."

Nothing nasty. Just addressing it, shutting it down, and moving on. Now you're going to have a whole family drama that will probably outlast Lindsey. Your wife isn't wrong, and it is wonderful that you are supporting her. However, those comments should have been addressed.

Severe_Chicks213 wrote:

ESH. You should have stuck up for your wife from the beginning, instead of leaving her to deal with all the commentary on her own like it’s not your problem. You also should have had a Frank discussion with your brother and sil, establishing boundaries and giving them the chance to change behaviour before banning them from a major family holiday. How do you expect this to make things better?

Did you really think your brother would turn to his wife and say, “ah well, guess this is what you get for being such a cow! I’ll see you after thanksgiving babe <3”.

This is a move you make when you’re prepared to sever the relationship. It is an end game move and you used it in the first round.